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In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:
“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”
Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…
Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!
*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.
Filed under: "Bill", Adoption, Amazian Jr., Angelina, Angelina Jolie, anonymity, Brad Pitt, Chinese Exclusion Act 1882, Hardass Asian Moms, I Call Bullshit, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, In Touch Magazine, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Mental Abuse, Pax Thien, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Yeah Yeah
Hmmm… bet somebody‘s happy that the Saints won the Super Bowl!!!
And by “somebody,” I mean every person in America except for the Colts, people that don’t believe in dinosaurs, grouchy Indianapolis mathball devotees, whoever Reggie Bush dumped to bang Kim Kardashian, folks that don’t care about Black people New Orleans, a couple of sour Vikings fans, Tim Tebow, jerkoffs, assholes, and strange hard-nosed people like my sister who show their conviction during the most curious of times, declaring “AFC all the way!!!!” and rooting for the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV even though we–as Steelers lovers–spend every waking moment during the rest of the season hoping for their failure.
So yeah, somebody is totally fucking thrilled!
Filed under: AFC, Angelina Jolie, Bourbon Street, Brad Pitt, Celebrities At Sporting Events, George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, Indianapolis Colts, Kim Kardashian, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans, New Orleans Saints, NFC Victory, Party Time, Reggie Bush, Saints Beat Colts, Saints Win Super Bowl, Scott Fujita, Super Bowl 44, Super Bowl XLIV, Thrilling Outcomes, Tim Tebow
It was with heavy heart that I state the obvious: Jen’s and my teams are out of the running for this year’s Super Bowl ring (my freakin’ Steelers, defending champions, didn’t even make it to the postseason).
I can’t speak for my illustrious writing partner, but this year I find myself (for the first time in my life) hoping that an NFC team takes home the big prize (Dear lawd, do not let Continue reading Who Dat Rootin’ For Dem Saints?
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Awesome Football Teams, Brad Pitt, Brett Favre, Drew Brees, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans, New Orleans Saints, NFC, NFL, NFL Postseason, Philip Rivers, Playoffs, Punks, Super Bowl, The Cowboys, The Steelers, Who Dat?
“Eat this, Suri Cruise! I’m lookin’ fly on the red carpet! You think you’re so bad in your high heels? My sisters wear ties and hats and exercise pants and maxi dresses. And I am rocking this scarf and chapeau at the ‘Invictus’ premiere better than a veteran director at the Cannes film festival. You’ve been to Cannes, right? Wait–do you speak French yet? I do. I’ll translate: Cannes is French for “WE JOLIE-PITTS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU.”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cannes, Children That Dress Like Adults, Cute Kids, Cute-Offs, Famous Offspring, French, Live From the Red Carpet, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Men In Hats, Our Progeny Are Just Cuter--Deal With It, Precocious Younguns, Suri Cruise High Heels, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Throwdowns
“Dude. WTF happened? One minute, I’m on the hottest television show of all time and married to the hottest man in the universe. And the next, I’m forty, single, my ovaries are drying up, and I’m driving a motherfucking rickshaw. I knew I should’ve become a Scientologist when I had the chance. FML”
There’s a reason why most American actors and actresses, who typically act for film and television, only shoot commercial adverts for countries like Japan. Sure, the endorsements pay very well, but, let’s face it, commercials are a bit of a downgrade, and downgrading too much in your own market is eventually something an actor feels ashamed of.
Well, some people.
Some people have already shat themselves so many times in the American public eye–been chastised by film producers and kicked off of TV series and photographed looking like they were peeled off of a ceiling–that they have very little to lose. So they start doing American advertisements peddling, y’know, self-tanner, or leggings, or tacky and garish clothing lines:
Actually, watching this commercial again, I’ve decided that even Lindsay Lohan should be ashamed of this final product. That’s right. Even Lindsay Lohan.
ANGELINA: Because it’s cute, Mad.
MADDOX: It’s not cute. It’s more like–um, what’s the word I’m looking for–oh right…stupid.
ANGELINA: You don’t really believe that! (to self) Remember to smile, remember to smile, paparazzi everywhere. (back to Maddox) Why would you say that? Do you want to match Daddy, too? Is that it? You know we could run out and get you your own newsboy cap–
MADDOX: Ack! Mom! Seriously. That hat is gay.
ANGELINA: Mad, we don’t say things like “that hat is gay.” We’re a progressive, multiracial, multinational family, from all different socio-economic strata, and we are tolerant regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation. (to self) Don’t look pissed-off and hormonal. Don’t give anyone the death-glare. Look happy.
MADDOX: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through all this.
ANGELINA: How would you like it if somebody said, “That hat’s so boat people”?
MADDOX: I wouldn’t care, because I’ve never been on a boat that wasn’t a yacht, and we have a private jet. Which reminds me, why did we have to fly commercial to Japan?
ANGELINA: Because, honey, we’re just like everyone else. No better, no worse. And sometimes we have to fly commercial to prove that. Just like sometimes we have to carry our own luggage and strap on our own children to our chests with our own Baby Bjorns. (to self) See, world? We’re just like you. Look how we hold our own children’s hands!
MADDOX: Ow, Mom! Speaking of hands, do you think you could ease up on mine a little?
ANGELINA: Sure thing, sweet-pea.
MADDOX: Why do we have, like, 8 people with us on the plane if they don’t carry our stuff for us when the paparazzi are around?
ANGELINA: Because not everyone has 8 people around them at all times to carry their stuff for them. And we don’t want people to think we’re better than them. Because we’re not. We’re a normal family who happens to be better looking than everyone else and makes tons more money, but other than that, we’re just people. (to self) Hear that, everybody? We’re just like you. We relate. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful.
MADDOX: Whatever. Dad and Knox’s hats are still gay.
ANGELINA: (to self) La-di-da, isn’t life grand? I’m not mad because I’ve lost every award to that pale, babbling, criminal-dater Anne Hathaway! It’s just an honor to be nominated. And to have a beautiful husband and beautiful children! Not to mention beautiful boobs! And to be an ambassador for goodwill and peace and…and orphans! Look at my adorable orphans–and, no, I’m not talking about my beautiful boobs! We could do a production of Annie right here in Narita. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be suuuuuunnnnn!
Filed under: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, Knox and Vivienne, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Matchy-Matchy Nightmares, Photo Op Victims, The Changeling, Zahara Jolie-Pitt
Seen in the German edition of Vanity Fair:
“For me, our family is just what America is – a melting pot, a mixture of many different races and nations,” she says. “My children should be proud of their Asian and African roots, but that in no way means [is] a lack of respect for the fact that they and their parents are Americans.”
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
MADDOX: Goddammit, Dad, Pax copied me AGAIN. I get streaks in my hair, he gets streaks in his hair. Are you gonna let him get a mohawk, too?! Just cuz we’re both Asian doesn’t mean we have to look alike. Christ, I wish that little squirt would get his own steez.
PAX: Daddy, what is “steez”?
BRAD: It’s like this hat I’m wearing. Hats are a kind of steez. Before I started aggressively wearing hats in public, I was only known as, you know, the Sexiest Man Alive. But then, I got a steez, and I became, like, a satirist.
MADDOX: Sartorialist. You mean “sartorialist.”
BRAD: Man, you’re smart. How did a kid like you come from a guy like me?
MADDOX: Um, how do I put this? I didn’t.
BRAD: Oh. Right.
PAX: Daddy, this backpack I’m wearing is ugly. I want to get a one-shouldered bag like Mad. Please, please, pretty please?
MADDOX: Aw hell no.
BRAD: Come on, guys. Don’t fight. Not in front of the paps, anyway. We’re going to see some architecture in Venice today, remember? And you love architecture.
PAX: What’s “architecture”?
MADDOX: Oh please. We do not love architecture. What’s so great about looking at old, crumbly buildings? I want to shoot off some guns. Is there a gun range in Venice?
PAX: What’s a “gun”?
MADDOX: Jesus. I’m surrounded by idiots.
BRAD: True, but we’re gorgeous idiots. Would you be happier growing up in a family of ugly, unfamous geniuses?
MADDOX: Hmmm. Okay, good point. Not bad for an idiot.
BRAD: Yesss! So maybe you are a chip off the old block, huh?
MADDOX: Don’t push it.
The afterbirth has barely dried on new twins Knox and Vivienne, and already rumors abound about Brangelina’s next adoption. This time, Hollywood’s It Couple are apparently shopping around for a Chinese baby. And only DISGRASIAN has the scoop on who that lucky little kid will be…
That’s right, y’all. It’s yours truly!!! Congratulatory baby gifts are totally not necessary. As you can see, I’m already stylin’ with a bitchin’ pacifier. And I can personally attest to the fact that the Brangelina Family Bed is oh-so-cozy. (Is it wrong that I think Mom and Dad are hot, and sometimes I have fantasies about a three-way with them? Just wondering.)
So, yeah, this means I’m pretty much set for life…but don’t hate!
Thanks, Jasmine, for making my dreams come true!
Cute, indeed, although judging by this picture taken in December, not entirely original:
ANGELINA: Well, we are people. And we are on a boat.
MADDOX: Does that make us FOBs?
BRAD: Hey! Look at you! Speaking in arachnids! Aren’t you just a chip off the ol’ block?
MADDOX: I think you mean “acronyms.”
PAX: Even I know that.
BRAD: You say potato, and I say tomato!
ANGELINA: What does FOB stand for?
MADDOX: Fresh off the boat. It’s a bad name, but I don’t know why.
BRAD: We’ll all be FOBs once we get off this thing. Woohoo!
MADDOX: Mom, make him stop.
ANGELINA: Brad, please shut the fuck up. You’re scaring the children.
BRAD: Whatever you say, Ange. Who’s the boss? You’re the boss. I’m just Tony Danza.
MADDOX: So is being a boat person a good thing?
ANGELINA: Let’s just say it’s a good thing, shall we? Here…snuggle up closer to Mommy.
MADDOX: Mom, between your fat boob and this life vest, I can’t breathe.
PAX: What about me? What about me?
ANGELINA: (to Pax) Hush, honey. Just let your hair grow.
BRAD: She’s the boss, Pax. You, you’re like the kid who wasn’t Alyssa Milano.
PAX: Is that a good thing?
BRAD: Course it is. Come here, my little FOB, and give Daddy a hug.