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Happy birthday to Jamie Chung, who is awfully cute,
normal, pretty, zZzzzZzZ, and tan!
We hope you have a great year, Jamie, doing cute things with cool sorority girlfriends and having lots of fun! You’re so… um… pretty!
Filed under: Actresses, Asian American Actresses, Boring People, Cute Girls, God's gift to boring chicks is good looks, Hot Bodies, Jamie Chung, Jamie Chung I Almost See Nipple, Jamie Chung See-Through Shirt, Jamie Chung Shirtless, Much Ado About Nothing, Pretty And Popular, Real World Stars, Reality Stars, Reality TV, Sorority Bitches, Sorority Girls, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
MY GOODNESS! “FUCK THE HATERS?” Is Gwyneth Paltrow taking cues from DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers Kobe and Tila, or just trying desperately to strategically sully her organic-cotton-Coldplay-and-Apple-babies-yoga-granola image?
As she “spilled” to OK! Magazine: “I’m probably less square than people think,” she insists. “I never get drunk to the point of throwing up. But I get very talkative.”
Oh, she gets talkativezzZZZzZzZZZZzzz when zzZshezzZZzz ZzzzZdrinkszzzzZzZzz! I’m sure that would cool our hating jets if we caredzzZZZzzzZzZZz.
Jen will attest to the fact that I do not tolerate those without charisma well. I’m unusally harsh on bad party guests, drippy dinner attendees, fidgety young girls, and guys who have nothing to say about nothing. Charisma isn’t something you’re born with–it’s something you develop. Therefore, I believe that exhibiting or not exhibiting said charisma is indeed a choice. A lack of charisma, therefore, reflects a complete neglect for what other people are supposed to glean from your presence. And if you don’t choose to even be interesting to perceive, you totally suck in my book. Okay, you’re worthless.
Anyway, back to Mercury, a man who, by all standards, was once the living embodiment of charisma. Freddie Mercury was the opposite of worthless, ya hear? He might have blown a few rails off of some backstage drips back in the good ol’ days, but he certainly didn’t respect to those people, or talk and cuddle with them. He definitely wouldn’t have written “You’re My Best Friend” about them.
My friends, I must declare here that Freddie Mercury is sacred in my book. You can sing along with him. You can love him. You can impersonate him, but only by really digging deep to find your serious, true, inner Mercury.
I’m talking to this Japanese tool, who knocks off a few laughs by taking on late-life Mercury’s persona:
…who, will have his real chest hair ripped out of him, should he be so unlucky as to ever bump into me on the streets of Tokyo.
You have no idea how hard it is to find a photo of you where you aren’t hawking yourself on some pointless red carpet. Or wearing a far-too-aggressive push-up bra. Or jutting your ass out in some schoolgirl outfit/bikini/lingerie number for one of those glossy bathroom semi-jerk-off magazine spreads. Or hosing around with some useless celebutard who seems far too young to be hanging out with you, cuz you look like you’re freakin’ forty-five and apparently you just turned twenty-eight this week. Blegh! Jesus! Don’t you think there might be better ways to present yourself? More to do with yourself? What do you do? Who the hell are you? You’re rounding up towards thirty, for crying out loud! Two years away, but getting there.
Oh, which reminds us. Happy birthday. You’re twenty-eight. You look, uh, great.
How are you? I’m fine. I’ve been really busy or whatever, but everything’s great, just great!
Let me cut to the chase: I’m not a huge fan of yours. I am freaked out by your family. I am freaked out by your freckly legs. I am freaked out by your mug shot. Hell, I am freaked out by your Friday (Hee hee! Get it?). People say you can act–which is true on some level (I loved Mean Girls)–but I’ve seen you with that gravelly voice, shoving your hands in your pockets, shrugging your shoulders and acting petulant, in enough movies (Okay, I’ve seen Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me and, by God, Lucky You… which is more than I can say for most of the world) to know that you’re a bit of a one-trick pony.
I don’t think fame-dependency has been good for you. I’ve noticed that your weight constantly fluctuates (you’re looking a bit thin these days, by the way… I do hope it’s pilates and not yay). You parade around Robertson Blvd. with a perpetual come-hither lip snarl, but nobody’s coming hither. And now that you’re no longer under rehabordeathwatch, and your agent is freaking out because your “serious stripper” movie proved to be a fucking disaster, and the trades told everyone that your big-screen name is spelled F-L-O-P on television, you ‘re actually starting to seem… really, really desperate.
Is this why you seem to be taking cues from our DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shame-whore, Tila Tequila? Let’s face it, she needs attention like most people need air, and so do you! She loves her tits, and so do you! She loves sequined dresses, chapeaus, going blonde, and rubbing up against butch chicks…
The problem with this is not so much that we don’t bi your paparazzi-perpetuated lesbian love affair (drive-bis are tired, and we loathe them all).
It’s that we don’t care.
TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. BECOME MORE INTERESTING. DO SOMETHING. DO BETTER. DON’T JUST DO YOUR HOMELY FEMALE BEST FRIEND.
I’m so fucking bored of you I could tip a cow (but I won’t).
Filed under: Attention Whores, Boring People, Coke Face, Drive-Bis, Fame is Fleeting, Lindsay Lohan, Paparazzi, Pathetic, People Who Have No Shame, Samantha Ronson, Tila Has A Sphere of Influence?, Tila Tequila
The reigning Miss Washington, Elyse Umemoto, has been getting a lot of flack over a couple of racy candid photos that leaked on the Internets this week. TMZ called her “a bad apple,” the Miss Washington Scholarship Organization said they were “embarassed by the pictures,” and the pageant queen (whose term ends this Saturday) issued a public apology today.
Quite the brouhaha. Them’s must be some dangerous pictures! So what’s all the fuss about, really?
We took a look at the snapshots and have delivered an assessment on Umemoto’s real crimes below.
CRIMES: Ungraceful bend of index finger, wearing stupid pageant crown in public.
CRIMES: Purple eyeshadow and lurex top, fraternizing with actual frat boys. Also: if you’re gonna front that you like cooch-licking, don’t waste time with the peace sign. Use a cooch.
While perusing the limited organic deli options at the Beverly Hills Whole Foods today, I overheard one of those awfully average boring-chick conversations that tend to ruin the tone of the whole day for the casual observer. Two verynormal girls in verynormal clothes and verynormal hairdos were texting side-by-side on their verynormal blackberrys, discussing one of their pending “not-a-’date’-date dates for this evening.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: It’s not a “date”-date.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: How do you know? Where are you gonna go for dinner?
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I don’t know. He told me to choose.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: What are you gonna choose?
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I don’t KNOW! I’m not sure what we should do.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Oh, that’s cool.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Yeah.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: He keeps texting me all of this stuff I don’t understand. Like he said he would play guitar for me and I asked him what his favorite guitar is, and he wrote, [pulls out blackberry] “Definitely the Fender Mustang or the Gibson Lay Paul, or the Gibson SG, a classic.” Do you have any idea what that means? I mean, if he plays guitar for me, I think that’s like hot.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Really hot.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Rockers are like, hot or whatever… but I don’t understand any of this stuff he’s telling me about. Anyway, who cares?
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: [chuckles]
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: I think guitars are hot.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #2: Yah, me too.
VERYNORMAL GIRL #1: Is hummus fattening?
It is during moments like these that I wonder why there are so many uncool, boring-ass girls in the world and who the hell dates them, anyway? I also start to think of phrases like, “youth is wasted on the young” and “rock is wasted on the masses” and “I hate boring chicks.”
My beloved writing partner, Jen, is no such boring chick. I am struck by this thought frequently, especially when she’s doing something cool. Like stating definitively that The Coffin is a bitchin’ axe. Or singing like Patsy Cline. Or rocking Balenciaga as casually as if it were Banana Republic.
The folks at Rock Band announced that the entire album of The Pixies’ “Doolittle” was available for XBOX 360 download on Monday, and by 11pm that night, Jen and I were cruising right through “Gouge Away” to “Debaser.” As she channeled her inner Loverling and blasted through drum parts on expert, I looked at her and thought, “That lady, with those sticks, is so fucking cool.”
…Tila Tequila still fancies herself a stripper. And I fancy myself a blogger. SHOCKER.
Do any of you remember Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego a few years back?
That ok, we barely remember her either. If you do, perhaps what you best recall is that on the most boring season of The Real World ever, there was once the most boring reality cast member ever, and that, my friends was zzZzzJamiezzZzZzz. You’ll be glad to know that Jamie hasn’t given up her average pursuit for fame since her lackluster television “debut,” and is still mowing her way through the challenging world of swimsuit modeling (Jen said today, “well, I guess that makes sense”) and acting. Rest assured that her sound bytes haven’t gotten any more interesting: “I think I’m single because I’m really busy.” “I go on a lot of auditions.” “I travel a lot.” “I’m an Aries.” …but her Photoshop-enhanced, bulbous rack sure has. Never one to leave a snoozer in the fray, wonderbread network ABC Family, led by Paul “Not Like Bruce” Lee, has jumped to the rescue. He recently announced the net’s new series, Samurai Girl, which will star Chung in a fascinating femme fatale role:
“Samurai Girl,” based on the popular young adult novels, centers on 19-year-old Heaven (Jamie Chung), a Japanese girl who learns that her adoptive father is the head of the Yakuza and possibly had her brother murdered. She leaves her family to train in the ways of the samurai and to plot against her father’s evil empire with the help of her new American friends.
That ok, we barely remember her either. If you do, perhaps what you best recall is that on the most boring season of The Real World ever, there was once the most boring reality cast member ever, and that, my friends was zzZzzJamiezzZzZzz.
You’ll be glad to know that Jamie hasn’t given up her average pursuit for fame since her lackluster television “debut,” and is still mowing her way through the challenging world of swimsuit modeling (Jen said today, “well, I guess that makes sense”) and acting.
Rest assured that her sound bytes haven’t gotten any more interesting:
“I think I’m single because I’m really busy.”
“I go on a lot of auditions.”
“I travel a lot.”
“I’m an Aries.”
…but her Photoshop-enhanced, bulbous rack sure has.
Never one to leave a snoozer in the fray, wonderbread network ABC Family, led by Paul “Not Like Bruce” Lee, has jumped to the rescue. He recently announced the net’s new series, Samurai Girl, which will star Chung in a fascinating femme fatale role:
So funny, How often do you find yourself singing while walking around the house: “Oh, I get by with a little help from my American friends?”
Man alive! We do believe that retarded tingles we get while reading the Samurai Girl short treatment are the only things keeping us awake. If Jen and I can keep our eyes open until the show premieres, we’ll be maybe sure to possibly watch an episode or two.
Filed under: ABC Family, Bikinis, Boobs, Boring People, I Get High With A Little Help From My American Friends, Jamie Chung, Paul Lee, Uh... "Samurai Girl?", We Don't Care About Her Either, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz