DISGRASIAN™

Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine

Page Six, ever the bearer of truthful word, reported today that wow-and-I-do-mean-wow-face Mickey Rourke was accosted by Bai Ling at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont just the other night. In Richard Johnson’s own icky words, the odd duo “made out and partied pretty hard.”

I’ll be honest. My gut reaction was to write: Dude, I thought Rourke was freaking uh-mazing in his unrelenting lead role in ‘The Wrestler‘. That, however, did not cause me to hearken back to his younger, more beautiful days, and rekindle a desire to suck his mangled face. Dude, Bai. Do your Adductor thigh muscles only respond to IMDB stats? What is the deal?

Then, of course, I had to go and do what I loathe most: a little research. This naturally led me down a slippery slope to one of Bai Ling’s online biographies–which includes the following blurb about her personal life:

She is friends with Kimberly Stewart. She dated a play actor in the mid-1980s in China, and music composer Qu Xiao-Song in the mid 1990s, and Chris Isaak 1999-2001. She was briefly said to be romantically linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Rumors spread that Bai was engaged to him, but Carter denied the rumors, saying they were “just friends”. More recently, Ling has been linked to Dionne Warwick’s son, Damon Elliott, though the two are not currently dating.

ZzzZzZzzzzSo… okay. How can anyone with even a pittance of warmth in their heart (that’s about all I’ve got) look at that sad little collection of facts and not feel kinda bad for the poor woman? Ling’s personal life, despite her fondness for dancing and easily accessible breasts, actually seems duller than Sienna Miller’s mangy hair. I wouldn’t wish that kind of dry love life on anyone, not even this crazy bitch.

So instead, I’m really very psyched for Ling, and happy about the fact that she got some aggressive tongue action the other night, even if it makes me go “Eww.” Here’s hoping she got felt up and maybe even fingerbanged! Anything to spice up that sad little paragraph.

And–guys, take a look at Rourke’s fuckin’ FACE!–I do mean anything.

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Filed under: Aging Badly, Bai Ling, Boring Love, Crazyfaces, Eww, Hooking Up, Mickey Rourke, Nipples, Page Six, Sienna Miller is Gross, The Wrestler, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz

Then Again, Maybe Not

Oh Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo. Just as I was starting to think you guys might actually be kind of cool, you had to go and remind me that you are just really just a pair of B-list saccharine douchetards:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You guys are so LAME! “Our secret life” my ass. I promise you, unless there are s&m swings and/or spy work involved, your secret life is as boring as my 3rd grade diary–which read a little something like this:

“Hey Diary,

How are you? I’m great. So much to tell, I don’t even know where to start. So what happened today… Social Studies, English… SCHOOL! I can’t believe we have to go to school. But I got to sit next to Jared C. (sigh!) today at lunch, it was A-W-E-S-O-M!

You should have been there, Diary!!

Anyway, that’s all for now!
More Later!
Good night!

Love (and kisses),
Diana”

But back to this dreadful zzZZZzZZzcelebrity coulple–oh sorry, I dozed off– it all gets so much worse:

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Why haven’t you learned? Cheesing out your romance is like severing off your own pecker. Don’t you remember this?

I would refer to it as a manhood LOW.

Trust me.

Now hightail it to some new tropical resort and screw on VIDEO! It’s the only way.

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Filed under: Boring Love, Nick Lachey, Sex, Vanessa Minnillo, Video Can Save You

Not Surprising, But Kinda Gross

NY Daily News vomited up a pile of boring celebrity gossip this morning:

“John Mayer wasn’t licking his wounds alone in his room Thursday night after his split with Jessica Simpson.

The sensitive strummer was at Stereo ‘hitting on every super-skinny girl there,’ swears our source, ‘and only the really skinny ones.’ That would be the opposite of the voluptuous Simpson, who was in Cannes announcing ‘Major Movie Star,’ which she’ll start lensing this summer while Mayer goes on tour.

Despite the flirtations, particularly with one Asian model, Mayer left alone — perhaps already regretting the rift with Simpson.”

“Perhaps it was during these hiatuses that Mayer began to keep off-and-on company with an L.A. model named Caroline, one source claims. He ‘was always seeing the other girl anyway,’ said the source.”

1) Aren’t models just models?

2) The thought of John Mayer licking anything kinda makes me want to hurl.

3) “Sensitive Strummer?” Don’t tell me that any guy who writes the words “your body is a wonderland” down on a page isn’t just dreaming about blow jobs from groupies in a green room.

4) Yick. Please ladies, let’s not incorprate bloat-face into the dating pool. We’re already fighting the Asian moon cheeks, dude. That shit ain’t cool.

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Filed under: Asian Models, Bloat Face, Boring Love, Groupies, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, My Face Looks Like A Moon Pie

Beach Beautificasian

VANESSA MINNILLO: Some people look better au naturel, Nick.

NICK LACHEY: Not everyone.

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Filed under: Boring Love, Nick Lachey, Under the Mask, Vanessa Minnillo