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Words That Shall Resonate No Longer: "Vanick" and "Ninessa"

June 25th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The impossible has happened.

“Amicable”

After three years of dating, some well-documented spats, and a handful of dropped “Where’s the ring?” hints, the inevitable has happened: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, world’s least interesting sublebrity couple, have called it quits.

And no, we can’t really imagine a good reason to ever talk about this again.

[via ONTD]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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When Worlds Collide: Speidi And Blago

April 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

So this is what it looks like at the 1st Annual Totally Fucking Shameless [In the Woods] Convention:

The Apocalypse Is Most Certainly Near

What’s worse: having everything to be ashamed of, or nothing to be proud of?

Kinda boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

[People: When Blago Met Speidi]

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Thanks, Eliza!

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Trucky In Love

January 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Star Magazine has reported that Jennifer Aniston recently scribbled down a love poem for her main douche man, John Mayer. And wouldn’t you know it, he went around and turned it into a beautiful Mayer ballad, a surprise unleashed upon her over the holidays while the two vacationed in Mexico.

Oh, my! Could we soon witness the release of the next great Mayer oeuvre? What could possibly top “Your Body Is A Wonderland?”

Let’s take a peek at Aniston’s lyrics:

Lucky in love, lucky in love
Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me.
Didn’t forget me
Now you’re alongside me
You’ve brought luck to love
I’ve been hit by a truck in love.

Um. Wow.

Looks like somebody’s been taking classes at the Tila Tequila school of Poetry, though they might be better served by sticking to a healthy regimen of Pilates, beach lounging, shopping for clothing basics, and taking on the occasional romantic comedy role.

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Late Registrasian

July 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV… and finally registered to vote! Wow! We’re so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz…

zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good… job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who’s counting?

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Catching Some Raysian

June 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Rumored lovebirds Keanu Reeves and Karate Lady in St. Tropez

KEANU: So then you shake it. Shake-shake it. Shake it. Shake it.

KARATE LADY: Like this?

KEANU: Shake it like a polaroid picture!!

KARATE LADY: Where did you say you learned this again?

KEANU: Ibiza. No, on the set of Matrix: Reloaded.

KARATE LADY: I liked that film.

KEANU: Nobody liked that film, China.

KARATE LADY: I think your accountant did.

KEANU: You’re goddamned right he did.

KARATE LADY: I can’t believe I’m dating Keanu Reeves.

KEANU: Yeah you are! Did Marky Mark ever have pecs like these?

KARATE LADY: Well, I mean, he had pecs. What happened to you?

KEANU: What do you mean?

KARATE LADY: I mean…

KEANU: I’ll tell you what I mean: you’re so beautiful, of course I’ll go out with you. Look at you. You look like a little china doll, China.

KARATE LADY: Actually, powder pecs, if we’re assessing porcelain skin and bones, you’re the china doll here. I look tall and tan and young and lovely.

KEANU: (confused) That’s cool.

KARATE LADY: (confused) Okay.

KEANU: So when do we get to go eat together at Mr. Chow? I love his noodles.

KARATE LADY: Uh yeah, me too.

KEANU: Do you think I should call him “Dad?” or “Mr. Chow?” or “Mr. Dad?”

KARATE LADY: Um, I think I’d prefer a salad at La Scala.

KEANU: Always?

KARATE LADY: Yes, always.

KEANU: Hunh. Okay. Wanna learn a different dance?

KARATE LADY: Sure… (sighs) Are you going to be filming a new Matrix sequel anytime soon?

KEANU: I dunno… Why is everybody always asking me that?

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Just Another Daysian In Togethersville

April 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

NICK: Ah, just another dinner at DISGRASIAN’s favorite restaurant, Katsu-Ya. Dude, I’m so full of crab rolls. I need a little fresh air.

VANESSA: Nick, roll that window up. Can’t you see I’ve got something in my eye? I think it’s an eyelash.

NICK: Is it an eyelash in your eye or are you still pissed that I patted the waitress on the behind when she took the specials menu away?

VANESSA: She was pissed, not me. Remember how she called you a filthy, fat, D-lister? You better wait awhile before you go back there.

NICK: Good point.

VANESSA: That window is still down! Everyone is taking pictures! I look all irritated! Now everyone’s going to think we’ve broken up!

NICK: Are we breaking up?

VANESSA: No, stupid! We’re a celebrity couple! We brag all the time about how happy and well adjusted we are.

NICK: Right. We are really well adjusted. So we’re not breaking up, but somebody’s going to think we’ve broken up.

VANESSA: Yes, dummy. Although I’m starting to get just irritated enough to want to break up with you.

NICK: You do? You can’t do that!

VANESSA: Well I would, if it would raise either one of our StarMeters, just a little bit.

NICK: Do you think it would?

VANESSA: (sighs) No.

NICK: God, I’m so bored.

VANESSA: God, I’m so bored.

NICK: I sure hope somebody cares if we’re breaking up.

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