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Loretta Sanchez, Blue Dog Dem incumbent representing California’s 47th Congressional District, would like to introduce her new web series*, How To Lose Votes And Alienate People. Here’s the first installation, pulled from a recent interview on Univisión’s Al Punto show:
Well shit, man. If I didn’t know any better, I’d venture that Sanchez’s eyebrows were–with an intensity–trying to cultivate a race war in Orange County. Those eyebrows betta hope this Vietnamese lady doesn’t come across them in a dark alley while packing Tweezerman Luxe Edition Swarovski® Crystal Slant® tweezers anytime soon. AND THAT IS NOT AN EMPTY THREAT!
*not an actual web series
Filed under: Anti-Latino, Blue Dog Democrats, Boat People, CA 47th Congressional District, Calling Immigrants Anti-Immigrant, Community, Congress, Don't Fuck With Jungle Asians, Drivel, Dumb Democrats, Dummyheads, Eyebrows That Frighten Me, Fools, Jungle Asians, Loretta Sanchez, Making Van Tran's Campaign Easy, Orange County, Race Wars, Really? There's No Better Option Than This Bitch?, The Vietnamese, Univision, Van Tran, Vietnamese Community, What If The Shoe Were On The Other Foot?, Xenophobia
My family fled war-torn Vietnam in June of 1975 by secretly hopping aboard a freight ship meant to carry textiles. Someone tipped my mom’s brother off to the opportunity and he immediately rounded up the rest of the relatives. They hastily collected their meager belongings, then hustled to the dock. My family was joined by about 200 other people on the shore. The ship docked and everyone quietly boarded the ship, tucking themselves into the dark nooks, while dozens of jumbo bins were loaded onto the deck. The ship left shore once again, and after a number of miles some of the bins began to move, as 150 more people emerged from underneath. They all went to America.
Every time my mom and I talk about this particularly fascinating bit of their story, we clash over one point.
I say, “So that’s how you came here!”
She says, “Yes, we came on a boat.”
I say, “Right. So you were boat people that came–”
She cuts me off and shrieks, “WE ARE NOT BOAT PEOPLE!”
I say, “Didn’t we just talk about the boat you came on?”
She says, “It was a freight ship!”
I say, “Isn’t a ship a large boat?”
Then she stops talking to me. Moms are so weird.
Today, I saw photos of those womb-rumbling cutie patooties Maddox and Pax Jolie-Pitt cruising coolly around the canals in a sweet speedboat:
…and all I could think was, “Mom! Boat people are so AWESOME!”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Awesomeness, Boat People, Boats, Cool Kids, Cool Photos, Hardass Asian Moms, Maddox Driving, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien, Pride, Refugees, Speedboats, Synonyms, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Venice, Vietnam
ANGELINA: Well, we are people. And we are on a boat.
MADDOX: Does that make us FOBs?
BRAD: Hey! Look at you! Speaking in arachnids! Aren’t you just a chip off the ol’ block?
MADDOX: I think you mean “acronyms.”
PAX: Even I know that.
BRAD: You say potato, and I say tomato!
ANGELINA: What does FOB stand for?
MADDOX: Fresh off the boat. It’s a bad name, but I don’t know why.
BRAD: We’ll all be FOBs once we get off this thing. Woohoo!
MADDOX: Mom, make him stop.
ANGELINA: Brad, please shut the fuck up. You’re scaring the children.
BRAD: Whatever you say, Ange. Who’s the boss? You’re the boss. I’m just Tony Danza.
MADDOX: So is being a boat person a good thing?
ANGELINA: Let’s just say it’s a good thing, shall we? Here…snuggle up closer to Mommy.
MADDOX: Mom, between your fat boob and this life vest, I can’t breathe.
PAX: What about me? What about me?
ANGELINA: (to Pax) Hush, honey. Just let your hair grow.
BRAD: She’s the boss, Pax. You, you’re like the kid who wasn’t Alyssa Milano.
PAX: Is that a good thing?
BRAD: Course it is. Come here, my little FOB, and give Daddy a hug.
A group of Canadian researchers are conducting an underwater excavasian off the Queen Charlotte islands in British Columbia to find evidence of the first North American settlers. These scientists believe that the first people to touch down in these here parts weren’t Siberian big-game hunters but Asian seafarers.
(Their theory) holds that ancient Asian seafarers, drawn on by food-rich kelp beds ringing the Pacific coasts of present-day Russia, Alaska and British Columbia, began populating this hemisphere thousands of years before the migration of Siberian big-game hunters – who are known to have travelled across the dried up Bering Strait and down an ice-free corridor east of the Rockies as the last glaciers began retreating about 13,000 years ago.
That’s, like, totally cool, because either way is a win for us. Yaysian!
Click here for full story.