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Second Verse, Same as the First

January 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I discovered over the weekend that you can sorta make a living–albeit in Linden Dollars–as a Second Life hooker. (The current exchange rate is 250 Linden Dollars to the US Dollar, and a high-priced Second Life call girl makes 2000-3000 a night, which amounts to 3 or 4 lattes in the real world.) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, because every economy in the real world also seems to exist on Second Life, but I’ve never actually been on Second Life, nor have I even had the inclination, so this was news to me.

And I was intrigued. Oh, the possibilities! Can you imagine what hookers are like in a virtual world? They could be Ph.D candidates-cum-hookers! Or astronauts-cum-hookers! Or race car drivers-cum-hookers! Or classical pianists-cum-hookers! (Yes, I’m aware that I just wrote “cum” four times.) So I went on a Second Life escort site to see what these virtual ladies of the night were all about, expecting to find many unexpected and therefore titillating choices.


Name: Fuktoi Nakamura
Nationality: English
Languages: English
Age: 19
Bust Size: D

“Amerasian, best of both worlds. I’d love to be your instrument of pleasure: I’m Bi, girls don’t be shy. Escort/model/assasin (sic), take your pick.”

Name: Zero Owatatsumi

“If you want, I do dress in cosplay. I can be innocent if you want, or dominting (sic). Men/Women welcome.”


Name: Kimmie Park
Nationality: Asian
Languages: Chinese, English
Age: 23
Hair: Black
Eyes: Blue

“I’m a 23 year old slender Asian play toy…I am naturally submissive but can switch.”

And then, quite suddenly, I was bored. Bored out of my gourd. Between the drive-bisexuality, the declarations of submissiveness, the Asian chick with the blue eyes, the obligatory and dare I say weary mention of cosplay, and the horrible spelling, I was no longer intrigued, “Escort/model/assasin” notwithstanding (which was kinda funny). If this is as good and imaginative and kinky as hookers get in Second Life, then life must be just as dull, pedestrian and predictable as it is in the First.

Sounds like. So. Much. Fun. Sign me up.

[via BuzzFeed and Kotaku]

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Interchasianable

April 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A new Asian chick has joined the cast of Gossip Girl. And she walks and talks! And her character has a name!

We’re movin’ on up, to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y!

Only problem is, “Nelly Yuki” (as played by Yin Chang) is a NERD. If Diana were talking about her, she would say, “A total NNERRRRRRRRRRD.” So, yeah, I don’t mean that in a cool way. Take, for example, the “A” story of last night’s episode, which has Serena’s frenemy Georgina returning to the Upper Beast Side, chugging Cosmos, reconnecting with her coke dealer, hitting on older men, and drugging Serena’s diet Coke. Compare that to the Nelly “B” story, which has Blair’s academic frenemy (wait, what, they actually go to school??) and main competition for Yale pushing her chunky glasses up her nose a lot, lugging her violin case everywhere, studying for the SAT furiously, whining about her boyfriend dumping her, professing she is lactose intolerant, looking cross-eyed, and getting the batteries stolen out of her calculator by Blair before her college boards. RIVETING stuff, right?

It looks like Nelly “Let’s Get Retarded in Here” Yuki will stick around for a few episodes, but don’t expect a whole lotta sizzle from that steak. Examine the stills below, the first of which was taken when the other Asian chick “Kati Farkas” was on the show, and the second from next week’s episode:



Not exactly what I’d call progress.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! GH III’s Midori

November 2nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We gotta admit. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, released last weekend, is pretty good. We love playing songs by bands we hate, like “My Name is Jonas” (Weezer) and “Cherub Rock” (Smashing Pumpkins), and, yes, Metallica’s “One” is kicking our asses on Expert. We’re also into the fact that we can “buy” Tom Morello and Slash on GH III instead of Xavier Stone, the black character, as we had to in previous versions of the game.

And, we finally got what we had wished for all these months we’ve been playing: an Asian Guitar Hero. Her name is Midori and her bio states that she is “both sweet and sour” and a child prodigy classically trained on violin. Grrrrrrrrrrreat! As you all know, we love prodigies. And we are sweet and sour. So we were totally stoked. Until we got a gander at our Japanese guitar heroine.

No, Midori isn’t suffering from a sinus infection. She’s suffering from a case of the GIGGLES and has to cover her mouth out of modesty, teehee!

Bless you! I mean, Gesundheit! I mean…WTF?

The best thing Midori, our anime-schoolgirl-hooker-heroine, has going for her is her wardrobe. Here she is in her “Mount Fuji-inspired” outfit:

Mmm. Yes. How very inspired, indeed.

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Gossip Girl Is the Smartest Show on Television

October 4th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

After the first two episodes of Gossip Girl aired, I wasn’t really convinced that it was for me. But then last night’s “Poison Ivy” made me realize the error of my ways. The episode was genius and SO REAL. All of the characters were scrambling to impress a group of Ivy League “recruiters” who were at Constance Billard for a week scouring the school for prospectives. Because, of course, that’s how it works, y’know, with the Ivies so desperate and lacking for rich bitches, legacies, and prep school applicants. And apparently, the skills it takes to get into Harvard or Yale simply involve making references to Dr. Seuss and the early works of William Faulkner, as well as wearing age-inappropriate clothing such as pearls, brooches, headbands, navy skirt-suits, and oversized-eyeglasses-that-are-so-”now” and would make Anna Wintour cream in her Prada underpants.

Oh the verité. I could hardly stand it. And my favorite characters thus far are those two chicks who trail Queen Bee Blair Waldorf (a name that is not at all on the WASP-y nose) everywhere she goes…oh, what are their names? I guess it hardly matters, since they’re both colored, they dress identically and are, thus, totally interchangeable. Plus, they hardly ever utter a peep.

My name for them? The HaraGossip GirlzzZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZzzz

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SNEWS

June 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

There are two VERY important snewzZzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZzzzz itemZzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzzZZZZZZZZ today zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz.
zzzZZZZZZZ…Kate Bosworth was caught…EATING. PINKBERRYzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzZz
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz
ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz

And also…

ZzzzZZZZZZZzZzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZzzZZZzzzzZZZzzzzZzZZZzZzzzzzzzz
zzzzzZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZzzzzZZZzzZzzzZZzzzzzzzz
zZZZZzzZZzzzZZZZzzzzZZZzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZzzzzz…must wake up…must get out of bed so…I can…practice…

…world’s wicked smallest violin.

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SNEWS

May 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzZz
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzz
zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZ
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz…

…wha?…hurhm?….five more minutes…ZzzZZzzz….wha wha whoa. So sorry! I must have fallen asleep at my computer. Big news this week in reality television. Apolo Ohno won Dancing with the Stars, beating out the Fat One. Now all Apolo needs to do is focus on Vancouver 2010, and getting the rest of those pubes waxed off his chin. I know an excellent Russian lady in Bev Hills who will do the trick.

American Idol also staged their finals this week, where ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZzzzzzzzZZZzzzzzzz
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….

..five more minutes goddamit!…ZzzzZzzzZZz…hello? Mom, am I late for school?…zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..I’m up, I’m up! Where’s my…oh. My bad. It appears I fell asleep at my computer again and now there’s drool under my keyboard. What was I saying? Oh right. Jordin Sparks won AI last night. Woohoo. Let’s put our hands together for the new Mandy Moore of color. Cuz that’s what we need in this world…two Mandy zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZzz…

“Why do we smile so much? We have no fucking clue!”

Source Source Source

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Of Course We Came Up With Something Like This

April 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The AP reports today, “New toys read brain waves”

Several Silicon Valley companies are coming up with new video games that will read brain waves and reward FOCUS and CONCENTRATION.

DORK GEAR


“Most physical games are really mental games,” said (Koo Hyuong) Lee, also chief technology officer at San Jose-based NeuroSky, a 12-employee company founded in 1999. “You must maintain attention at very high levels to succeed…”

It fulfills the fantasy of telekinesis,” said Tan Le, co-founder and president of San Francisco-based Emotiv.

Kids who play the race car video game “Gran Turismo” with the SmartBrain system can only reach maximum speed when they’re focused. If attention wanes or players become impulsive or anxious, cars slow to a chug.

So, let me get this straight. This is a game? Cuz it kinda sounds like having your Asian Mom in one ear lecturing you about getting straight A’s and your Asian Dad in the other talking about quantum mechanics while you’re trying to take a 4:20 bong hit. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Sign me up.

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We’re Ba-ack!

April 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Chinese are back on 24, and now they have Audrey Raines! How will Jack Bauer save his lady and save the day?


1. Go rogue for the 9th time this season

2. Somehow use Chloe and possibly her gay husband Morris back at CTU to get coordinates to Audrey’s “location”

3. Shoot up a bunch of Chinese thugs who are holding Audrey with much bigger guns, somehow

4. Get captured somehow by Evil Mastermind Cheng Zi and then tortured in some way that involves electroshock, narcotics, tiny pliers, or chains

5. Somehow escape torture with MacGyver-level ingenuity that involves a broken water pipe, a bobby pin, and a well-timed headbutt

6. Save Audrey from the clutches of Evil Mastermind Cheng Zi, who has taken her hostage, by offering your life in exchange for hers

7. Get involved in a chase/gun battle/standoff with the Evil Mastermind in a crowded public place and shoot him in the head or neck when a “clean shot” somehow presents itself

8. Have a tearful reunion with Audrey without somehow EVER cracking a smile

9. Give her an old, wrinkly kiss

10. Tell CTU everything and somehow not get in trouble for it

Got it? Okay, then, ZZZzZzZzZZzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZzzzZzZzzzZZzzZZzzZz

Source: Fox

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