You are currently browsing posts tagged with Bizarre Ambitions

And Your Bird Can Sing

February 25th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Jen can sing really, really beautifully. I can’t. Her voice is like velvet and she reminds me of Patsy Cline. Mine sounds like gravel and I remind myself of buttwipes.

But just you wait. I’m hopping on a plane to Beijing. I’m going to beg music teacher Li Wenxing to take me on as a student. I’ll take out his trash, wash his dishes, use a humidifier, practice my octaves. I’ll do whatever it takes to sing like him.

And then, I will ask Jen to karaoke with me.

It’ll be a beautiful day. Just beautiful.

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Thanks for the tip, Thomas!

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The Kids Aren’t Alright

December 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Why is some asshole young’un always stealing my gosh-darned thunder?

First it was that little tramp* that beat me to the punch on a landmark Jewsian Bat Mitzvah–complete with glorious photos and full NYT coverage.


Now, it’s some little brat* that’s trying to beat me out on my dream of making my mark as the second coming of Neil Peart.

Um, trying…rather, er, successfully.

*Not actually a tramp. Actually the most adorable little Jewess you ever did see.
*Not actually a brat. Actually a total freakin’ genius and my hero.

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Such Great Heights

June 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

News outlets are alive with yesterday’s word that “Professor Splash,” (aka Darren Taylor) a professional high-diver, broke his own Guinness World Record for highest shallow water dive at Colorado hotspot, Hyland Hills Water World.

Even though we don’t think he’s an actual professor (like Jen’s dad), we have to give Taylor props for accomplishing this lifelong pursuit of a world record! Our parents have always wanted us to break some kind of world record–most lives saved, most consecutive perfect gymnastics scores, least amount of time needed to find a disease cure–and we’ve never been able to do it.

But Taylor is a world champion! And more than that, a man who has reached his lifelong goal!

…of um, diving 35 feet, 4 inches. Into a kiddie pool. Filled with 12 inches of iced water.

Er… congratulasians? The competition must have been very stiff.

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We Love to Be the Best

October 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Two fuckin’ weird stories involving breaking world records have come out of China in the last week. The first is a story of 10 year-old Huang Li, a girl who swam 3 kilometers in the Yangtze River for 3 hours, WITH HER HANDS AND FEET BOUND. Here’s what her Hardass Asian Father had to say about her achievement:

“Next time, she will swim further and I’ll follow her in a boat to ensure safety,” (Xinhua) quoted Huang’s father, who called his daughter a swimming prodigy, as saying.

How very Asian–goals first, safety second. A heartwarming story if I’ve ever heard one.

The other world record story is about itty-bitty couple Li Tangyong, 3 feet 6 inches, of Shunde City, and his new wife Chen Guilan, 2 feet 3 inches, who are hoping to make the Guinness Book as the shortest couple on the planet.

At first I thought their goal was, to be frank, fuckin’ retahded, but when I learned that they had delayed their wedding for 3 years because of parental objections, I had a change of heart.

I realized how small my outlook on their record chase had been. I mean, er, not small, but…short-sighted. Ooh–that didn’t come out right. What I mean to say is…I wish you well, Li and Chen, in your pursuit of happiness and lofty, uh, scratch that…big, I mean, er, grand..uh…well, you know what I mean.

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(Greenie wants everyone to know that little people are people, too)

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