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During last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Ru announced one of my favorite challenges evvvaaarrr: each queen making their box pretty!
It was a PRETTY BOX exxxtravaganza, where Ru kept asking about the BOXES and cooing over the BOXES and delighting over scented BOXES and talking about how important a queen’s BOX is! After all, what’s more important than a drag queen’s box, you tell me? Nothin’!
During the challenge, I was not surprised to see “Tyra” gettin’ bitchy with all of the other ladies, and complaining that everyone was copying her (she does so every time).
See the quickfire challenge at 3:45 of the video below:
Filed under: Awesome, Bitch Fights, Boxes, Brilliant Reality Show Challenges, Copycats, Dirty Minds Think Alike, Drag Queens, Golden Box, Innuendo, Jujubee, Logo, Making Your Box Nice, Pretty Boxes, Queens, Reality TV, RuPaul, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2, Scented Boxes, Tyra
This passenger-documented video of two ladies getting hostile (like, downright violent) over an apparent seat-hogging situation on San Francisco’s MUNI bus in Chinatown is starting to make the Internet rounds. In response, YouTube commenters have quickly taken sides and naturally erupted into a hot, ignorant racial debate (One woman is black; One is Asian–prepare for the worst).
I know that in this era of absofuckinlutetrainwreck fascination it’s hard not to slip right into cage fighting voyeur mode–grab the popcorn, pick a favorite, start cheering–but frankly, this video’s chaos and its assaults just made me sad. Fine, we’re animals, and we physically duke it out–but what’s the natural order displayed here? What is achieved? What is the point?
I’m not taking sides on this one, and I don’t care who is “right” (That is assuming that someone can actually be considered “right” after fist-fighting near schoolchildren and innocents in tight quarters on a commuter bus).
Frankly, the only person really worth cheering for is the woman who appears at roughly 1:29 of the video, who adamantly and physically commands those involved to “STOP IT”–instead of simply standing idly by–horrified but fascinated–like everyone else.
Here’s a bitch fight I wish I’d witnessed:
“…Tila [Tequila] saw Joel [Madden, and] ran up to him and started acting super flirty-grabbing and hugging him,” a spywitness told The National Enquirer.
“Nicole had her back turned,” the insider continued, “But when she realized that Tila was all over him, she ran up and yelled, ‘Joel..JOEL!”
Nicole pulled Joel away to the couple’s table, but that wasn’t a big enough of a hint for Tila, who continued pursuing Joel in the presence of her pregnant companion. When she tried approaching Joel a second time, all Hell broke loose.
“That was the last straw for Nicole. She got right in Tila’s face and screamed, ‘Back off and get out of here.’”
Tila stood her ground for a few moments, but left the affair red-faced with shame once she realized Nicole’s outburst had made her the laughing stock of the party.
Ooh, the fireworks! Midge versus midge! Stick arms versus stick arms! Famous-for-nothing versus famous-for-nothing! And all over Play-doh-faced Joel Madden–there hasn’t been a celebutard love showdown this worthless since Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff duked it out over Aaron Carter!
Decisions, decisions… who can you root for?
Hollywood actresses! Past, present, and never:
at Wednesday’s Alberta Ferreti store opening
LUCY: Wait–dammit. They’re taking a picture? Everyone will think I know you people.
NICOLE: You know us. Remember that one night we stayed up doing tequila shots, talking shit about Rachel Zoe?
MARISA: I know Rachel Zoe.
LUCY: No you don’t.
MARISA: Yes I do! I think I met her right after I won [dips head and deepens voice in seriousness] my Oscar.
NICOLE: Wow! You won an Oscar? Wow. That’s really hot. I didn’t know that.
MARISA: Everybody knows that. Didn’t you see My Cousin Vinny?
NICOLE: That’s the movie with the bad guy from Home Alone, right? I think I saw that on TBS the other day.
MARISA: Ahem. I won the Academy Award for my role as [pauses] Mona Lisa Vito. For [raises eyebrows] Best Supporting Actress.
LUCY: [rolls eyes] Uh huh.
NICOLE: Rad. When was that, or whatever?
MARISA: Feels like yesterday. Maybe it was 2000 or 2001.
LUCY: [snorts] It was 1992.
MARISA: [snaps] In 1992, you were still doing bit parts on TV dramas.
LUCY: At least people don’t speculate as to whether or not my getting those bit parts was an accident, you old hag.
MARISA: (miffed) I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.
NICOLE: Who did you wear?
MARISA: [to Lucy] You’re a real bitch, you know that?
LUCY: Yes. That’s why I play one so often in movies and TV shows.
NICOLE: God, I need to get back on TV again. I hate being at home and remembering that I procreated with a Madden twin. I hate all this baby holding bullshit. I hate having tits.
LUCY: Love those bubs while you can, Nic–they’re going to be all deflated and saggy when you get to be like ol’ grandma over here.
MARISA: I AM NOT A GRANDMA!
LUCY: Really? Then why are you borrowing my grandma’s look?
NICOLE: Oh, shit!
MARISA: I’ll kill you!
LUCY: Don’t even start. I’ll cut you.
NICOLE: Wow. Are you guys, like, acting?
LUCY: Somebody take this goddamn picture before I cut somebody else.
In a Q&A last week with TV Guide, Olivia Munn talks about being named in Maxim‘s Hot 100 list this year, ranked 99, just in front of Tila Tequila.
“I’m just thankful that it wasn’t the Hot 98 list, because I would not have made it. And I’m glad Tila Tequila wasn’t 99 and I was 100. It is not fair to live in a world where Tila Tequila is considered better than me.”
Dayum, not only is she right in saying so, but boy, what spice she says it with! Olivia is even more saucy than we thought! And if she’s taking public potshots and digs at our least favorite midget, that means we don’t have to. Which means our work is done for us, and we have more time to watch the Olympics and play Rock Band and drink wine and swim laps and browse the Marni fall line. Bottom line: WE LOVE THIS BITCH.
JANICE DICKINSON: Yes, it does. Look at the camera–not directly at the camera, but just beyond the camera. Relax your neck a little.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: Don’t you think my hair looks shiny too? I think we might go to the same stylist.
JANICE DICKINSON: I doubt that.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: But I mean, it looks good, right?
JANICE DICKINSON: Listen kid, I don’t give a shit about your hair.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: This hair made me famous!
JANICE DICKINSON: You bitch, you are not famous.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: I am famous! I was on American Idol!
JANICE DICKINSON: You didn’t win. That kid with the frosty tips won. Or that robust girl.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: [Miffed] I was the people’s choice!
JANICE DICKINSON: Did you win an award?
SANJAYA MALAKAR: …
JANICE DICKINSON: God, kid, just part your lips and take the picture.
SANJAYA MALAKAR: You’re not even a model anymore.
JANICE DICKINSON: Are you kidding me? I was the first super–
SANJAYA MALAKAR: Supermodel? Whatever, bitch. You’re a has-been.
JANICE DICKINSON: You’re a never-was!
SANJAYA MALAKAR: You’re a never-was, bitch!
JANICE DICKINSON: I’ll pull your fucking hair out, bitch!
SANJAYA MALAKAR: Don’t! No!
JANICE DICKINSON: [grabs for tufts] You’re going down, you little coont!
SANJAYA MALAKAR: [sobbing] Stop it!!! No!!! I am America’s sweetheart! I AM AMERICA’S SWEETHEART!
Normally, Diana and I are above disgracing children. Child prodigies, in particular, because, first of all, we love a prodigy and wish we had been one ourselves, and second, it’s clear that they already have enough pressure in their lives, especially if you throw in a Hardass Asian Parent or two. But Michelle Wie is three months shy of 18, so we’ve decided to try her ass as an adult.
Kidding! We’re not totally heartless. But, in light of recent events, we feel that what Michelle really needs is some big sisterly tough-love.
You’re talented, smart, and gorgeous. If we were the same age, or in the same town, or chugging beers at the same Stanford keg party, I would hate you. Daggers would be shooting from my slanty eyes in your lofty direction. Thank goodness I’m four years older than you. Okay, maybe a little older. Alright, a lot–but I digress.
Last weekend, when you pulled out of the U.S. Women’s Open after sucking all over the green, citing a wrist injury, the media was not so kind. Here’s a glimpse of some of the headlines I read after your withdrawal:
“Wie and Adu: Has-beens before their prime?”
“Wie’s woes: the year from hell”
“Do they learn nothing from sad decline of Wie?”
“What Is Michelle Wie Doing Out There?”
Ouchers. Why is everyone so pissed at you, you wonder? Allow me to introduce a timeline.
2002-2004 – You become the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA event, the youngest player to make the cut at an LPGA event, and the youngest player to play in a PGA event with the big boys. Ah, first love.
2005 – Is a banner year. You turn pro, place second at the LPGA Championship, and Nike throws millions at you. Life is, like, so rad!
2006 – In July, you play with the boys in the PGA John Deere Classic, but withdraw after the 9th hole, citing heat exhaustion. But was it the heat that got to you, or the fact that you weren’t going to make the cut? Either you were really dehydrated or a really huge drama queen, but you’re taken off the course on a stretcher.
But who cares about all that golf nonsense when Forbes ranks you 74th out of 100 Top Celebutards, and your earnings reach $17 mil, one milsky for each year of your young life?
2007 – You take four months off because of wrist injuries. Is this from too much texting, perhaps? Or too much time counting your millions? You return from rehabbing to play in the LPGA’s Ginn Tribute, a tournament hosted by Annika Sorenstam. But then you suck all over the place, shooting 14 over-par through 16 holes, and withdraw, saying you “tweaked” your wrist again. You’re seen practicing, however, two days later, prompting Annika to say that your withdrawal showed “a lack of class.” You refuse to apologize.
Um, Bad Idea Jeans.
For the U.S. Women’s Open, the second tournament you play in since the Sorenstam debacle, a 12 year-old upstart named Alexis Thompson qualifies.
While you withdraw from the tournament because of your wrists, 8 Korean golfers make it to the top 10 of the tourney. “Seoul Sister” Angela Park places second, and, in action, kind of looks like…
Sports writers declare that you are over at 17, and, worse, that they’re “rooting against” you.
Here’s where DISGRASIAN’s big sisterly advice comes in. Take the summer off and build up those wrists again. Do not go to events unrelated to golf–focusing on your looks instead of your game is a career killer (just ask Anna Kournikova).
Go to Stanford. Rush a sorority or something (I can’t believe I just wrote that). Drink too much Hitachino White Ale or, um, whatever the young ones are drinking these days. Instead of competing with boys, make out with a few. Girls, too. There’s nothing quite like a lesbian lip-lock to defuse a bitchfight. Practice your ass off when no one’s looking.
wishing you love, flowers, and birdies,
Jen and Diana
ROSIE O’DONNELL: Y’know Elisabeth, you’re just a fucking whiner. Whine whine whine. You remind me of the comfort women in Asia that have been protesting Shinzo Abe. They sound like this: “Ching Chong Ching Chong Ching Ching Ching!!”
ELISABETH HASSELBECK: Rosie, that is unfair. That is really unfair.
ROSIE O’DONNELL: CHING CHONG! STOP IT ROSIE! CHONG CHONG CHING!
ELISABETH HASSELBECK: Stop it! Stop it!!!
ROSIE O’DONNELL: CHONG CHONG CHONG! I SUPPORT THE TROOPS! CHING!
ELISABETH HASSELBECK: [in tears] Good Rosie! Support the troops! And support this wonderful war! Wonderful, wonderful war!
ROSIE O’DONNELL: CHING CHING CHONG! KILL! KILL!
Flavor of Love: Charm School is a new VH1 reality show in which former FOL contestants who were rejected for whatever reason (too nasty, too raunchy, too much spitting) dress up in ridiculous schoolgirl outfits and attend “training” to become more ladylikable.
Meet one very special student, Leilene:
Yes, Leilene is a stripper mom and a high school dropout who, because of her almost complete lack of intellect (this is compared to the other Charm School students, mind you), was excused from the debate team competition challenge in episode four.
I’m not going to criticize the poor girl for these things. I’m sure she’s a very good dancer and has a very nice child and went to a super lame learning institution. No big whoop.
In this screen grab, she happens to be screaming, “I am a DAMN GOOD MOTHER!!!” O-kay. Again, no comments about how most mothers aren’t doing tequila shots while wearing schoolgirl uniforms while competing on bizarre VH1 reality shows.
I am, however, going to shame her for picking a fight with this thing:
Holy shit, girl!!! I realize you’re stupid and stuff, but do you have a death wish? Honey Child, this bitch is not fucking around and you anybody with half a brain can tell you that one nostril flared breath denotes that this animal is DANGEROUS. JEEZUS!
Again, no criticism of the lifestyle. Just watch your back, dummy.
Sarah Jessica Parker, who will be introducing her own fashion line, Bitten, this summer, takes a bite out of Gwen Stefani in the latest issue of Glamour, calling Stefani’s L.A.M.B. label “avant-garde” and too “high fashion.” SJP even goes as far as to say, “”I don’t want to do that for women, because that’s not their lives.”
I would call L.A.M.E. “avant-tard” and “too high-drag queen,” but you, Sarah Jessica, are a far more generous soul than I.
Tyra: Woo-woo! Raise the roof! Who’s playing again? Where am I?
Beyonce: Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. I don’t know why I’m laughing. I smile a lot.
Kimora: I INVENTED the hooker shoe. Bitch wouldn’t even have a “career” without me. Hello? I’m still barely married to Russell Simmons, godfather of hip-hop. And you are…Bouncesay? Byronjay?
Tyra: Guys, don’t fight. This is not very female empowerment of us. We need to support each other like my bra supports my jugs. ‘Kay?
Kimora: Bitch, you betta stop laughing. Don’t make me get all Single White Female on you and stab you in the eye with a hooker boot.
Beyonce: Hehehehehehehehe. I laughed so hard I just peed my pants.
Kimora: That’s it. (sound of boots being unzipped)
Tyra: Kimora Lee, can’t you work this out on my show? It’ll be just like when Naomi and I put aside our differences. Girl power! Raise the roof!
Kimora: Tyra, sweetie, how do I tell you this in a nice way? Naomi looked fierce on your show and you looked like poo. Come here Bayanshee! Mama’s got a little present for you.
Beyonce: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Jay-Z: Womenfolk. Shee-it.
This just in from Beijing:
This is a call to action. Niu Niu is a survivor! We must rally together to prevent her “sex life” from becoming dusty with misuse. Just think about how cranky your coworkers and friends become when their “sex lives” become “dusty.” It isn’t pretty.
Furthermore, I’d like to call out the DISGRASIAN in this story: that bitchy fighting panda that took out poor Niu Niu’s paw and didn’t have the balls to stick around and own up to it. Terrible panda behavior.
SAVE NIU NIU’s HOO-HOO!