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Happy birthday to Tim Lincecum, pitcher for the SF Giants, who turned 26 this week!
Qualities to love about Lincecum:
1. Early career excellence
2. Pacific Northwest roots (What’s up, U Dub!)
3. He’s got a mean-ass fastball
4. Laugh lines, goofy grin, lanky stature
5. He’s got Angry Asian Man’s love (he’s a Giant after all, which stacks the deck in his favor). ‘Nuff said.
Time to celebrate with a nice microbrew and some fresh market seafood! Woot!
Filed under: 2008 Major League Baseball Starter of the Year, Angry Asian Man, Angry Asian Man's 30 Under 30, Big Time Timmy Jim, Birthdays, Filipino-Americans, Hardass Asian Pitchers, Microbrews, Pacific Northwesterners, Pitchers, San Francisco Giants, The Franchise, The Freak, The Giants, Tim Lincecum, University of Washington
There’s only one way to celebrate John Yoo’s 42nd birthday (it’s today)–and that’s to bestow upon him the sort of kind words my Hardass Asian Grandma would offer a grandson like him if she were still alive today:
“How old are you today? 42?
Ai-ya!!! 42 is so old. So old. Life is over.
You know, you not look healthy, John. Now that you so old you have to think about your health. Your face is so fat. Your blood pressure is bad. When grandpa was your age he weigh 140 pounds and move dressers and refrigerator all around our house. Grandpa was strong and healthy.
You know, your mother says you do not visit at all, only four times a year for holidays. Such bad children after they come to America, they do not care about taking care of their mothers.
You look so old, John! You should exercise. Your wife leave you if you look too ugly.
My other grandchildren, they give me three and four and five great-grandchildren. What you give me? My friends at singing group tell me you like torture children. Ai-ya! That is bad, devil child! Why you so bad?
I work so hard all my life to get grandchild like this. 42 years waste!
Here, take some leftovers home with you.”
WHAT, GUYS!?!?! THIS IS HOW WE CELEBRATE!
Filed under: Birthdays, Bloat Face, Blood Pressure, Bush Administration, Celebrasians, Conservative Pieces of Shit, Grandchildren, Hardass Asian Grandmas, John Yoo, John Yoo Birthday, John Yoo Is A Cheesdick, John Yoo Torture Memo Author, Leftovers--Yum, White House Pawns
Happy birthday to Angelina Jolie, who turns 35 Friday!
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she’s aging well.
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she likes reading Asian languages.
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she sounds a little Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie
Filed under: Adopted Moms, Adoption is the New Black, Adoptive Parents, Angelina Jolie, Birthdays, Brangelina, Hardass Asian Adopter Moms, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien, The Jolie-Pitts
Happy birthday to Maggie Q, who turns 31 on Saturday! This glorious beauty and Q-tie is so sweet in the face we’d consider giving up meat for her. At least for a day or two.
Filed under: Actresses, Beautiful Ladies, Birthdays, Hot Bodies, Maggie Q, Maggie Q Chilis, Maggie Q Naked, Maggie Q PETA ad, Maggie Q Red Lips, Meat, PETA, PETA Asia Pacific, PETA Celebrity Activists, So Qt, Spicy Stuff, Vegetariasians, We're Nice On Your Birthday
Happy bithday to Aaron Yoo, whose shaggy locks we coveted in 21 and Disturbia! You turned 31 yesterday, but sure don’t look a day over 24.
And since I’m making assessments: you also seem like the kind of dude that has a rockin’ record collection, can roll a sweet spliff, always wears a perfectly worn-in tee, and can coax their Hardass Asian Mom to do anything–simply by annoying the shit out of her, then almost suffocating her with an awkward bear hug. Dude, we totally want to party with you. Let us know when and we’ll cruise!
Unfortunately for Coach Chow, we hear this year’s team is sorely lacking in O. But you may recall that we at DISGRASIAN, however, happen to have the ear of the Football Gods.
So we pray to you, Football Gods, to give Coach Chow a hand this year. They say Offense Wins Games, Defense Wins Championships, but a team needs to win games in order to win championships, no? Not that we’re caught up in our much ballyhooed, local college football, crosstown-rivalry drrrrrama. Seriously, we could kinda give a flying amen! about any of that because, as you know, our religious denomination is the NFL, but we just want Coach Chow to be happy. Because when he’s pissed, he kinda looks like our Hardass Asian Dads when we’ve disappointed them, and that scares us a little, you know? Like, take a look at Coach when he’s actually stoked on you and cheering you on:
Filed under: Asians in Football, Birthdays, Bruins Football, Coach Norm Chow, College Football, Crosstown Rivalries, Division I Football, Football, Football Gods, Hawaiians, Norm Chow, UCLA Bruins, UCLA Football, UCLA Offensive Coordinator Norm Chow, USC Football, USC Trojans
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We bet this one was a HAPPY one!
‘Cuz there’s nothing like being turning 41 to remind you of what really counts in life: knowing that your family is happy and your career in order.
We figured you probably didn’t get many, so we decided to go in together on a couple of birthday presents for ya. They are:
Filed under: Bad Years, Birthdays, Cheaters, Condoms, Down the Tubes, Fuckups, Homewrecks, Idiots, Jesse James, Jesse James Affairs, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Kids, Jesse James Mistresses, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Messes, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, Michelle Bombshell Nazi Photo, Mid-Life Crises, Really Stupid People, Strippers, The Most Hated Man In America
There really isn’t anything we don’t love about the figure skater, who placed fourth at the Winter Games. We love that she’s from our neck of the woods (SGV, Holla!). We love her face, her crazy-high cheekbones and the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles, which she does a lot. We love how devoted Mirai is to her mama, who’s been battling thyroid cancer. (Of her mother’s prognosis, she’s said, “They say there’s an 80 percent chance of her being cured. But that 20 percent is still something to think about. It’s like getting a B on a test. It’s good but not the best.” We love that, too, OBVS.) And we love that she’s accomplished so much at such a tender age.
Waitaminute. No we don’t.
Because going to your first Olympics, and–despite the naysayers (ahem, Sasha “Bitter Much” Cohen) and the nonstop Queen Yu-Na hype–performing quite beautifully while presenting yourself as the future of figure skating at SIXTEEN when you should be, like, getting wasted on Captain Morgan’s Rum outside a suburban 7-11 or having your thumbs fall off because you’re texting your stupid friends all day long…well, that just makes the rest of us who are much older, much less Olympic, and much more dependent on alcohol look really really baaaaaaaaad.
So maybe there’s one thing we don’t love about Mirai Nagasu. If she were just a little less perfect, she’d be um what’s the word oh right…perfect.
Would you consider working on that in your 17th year, Mirai?
In the meantime, happy birthday, you adorable little showoff!
Filed under: 2010 Olympics, Adorableness On Skates, Arcadia CA, Birthdays, Californiasians, Figure Skaters, Gifted Teens, Ice Skating, Mirai Nagasu, Olympians, Overachievers, People Who Make Us Look Bad, San Gabriel Valley, Teenage Olympians, Teens, the Olympics, Vancouver Winter Olympics, Winter Olympics
Typically when someone celebrates a birthday, they receive presents.
But when it’s Grace Park’s birthday, we put up a couple pics of the lady…
Three years ago this week, Diana and I started DISGRASIAN. I still can’t decide if that seems like a long time ago or just yesterday. A little bit of both maybe. The blog was–and I think still is–an idea hatched from our close friendship and from many, many nights of excessive drinking, mostly brown liquor with an occasional vodka martini thrown in when we were feeling fancy.
To celebrate this special occasian, I thought I’d tell you a little bit about how we got here.
- “DISGRASIAN.” Diana made up the word several years before the blog came into being to describe a co-worker who often wore socks with flip-flops to the office and ate cheap instant noodles at her desk every day. The girl’s worst offense, however? She totally lacked charisma–a cardinal sin in Diana’s book.
- “You’re a disgrace. To the race.” We had decided to start the blog. We had a name. We agreed that the pages should be a pale yellow. We even had an Excel spreadsheet (nerds!) listing all the people we could potentially write about on the blog. But we didn’t have a tagline. It was the end of the day, Diana was halfway out the door of my house, and we were about to bail on the idea when it came to me. We didn’t think twice about it, because it was kind of a joke. You know, like a mockery of a schoolyard taunt. We didn’t realize how many people would take it so seriously and even be offended by it. I can’t tell you how many people over the years have begun their hate mail with, “YOU are the disgrace to the race!” Oh really? Dude. If you’re gonna burn me, you gotta do better than throwing down with something that I came up with in, like, half a second, okay?
- Sanjaya Malakar. Our very first post, which I wrote, was about Sanjaya. This points to what’s good and bad about blogs. They entertain us every day with little tidbits about the stupid shit. But then again, at the end of the day, it’s just stupid shit.
When I turned 21, I received a wealth of gifts. They included:
- sixer of Smirnoff ice
- knockoff version of Barbie’s little sister, Skipper
- 3 “Your first time coming here legally?? It’s on the muzzafuzzin’ house!!!” shots seeminly comprised of sugar and scope
- my first DVD porn
- 4.5 Appletinis (so hot right then)
- 13 unidentified flying cocktails
- framed photo of me with a bunch of swell college chicks in dresses holding up cocktails
SIMILARLY, on Korean Olympic speed skater’s Mo Tae-Bum’s 21st birthday (February 15), he received…
Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, 21st Birthday, Asians and Speed Skating, Best Presents Ever, Birthdays, Booze, Celebrasians, Everybody Loves a Winner, Glory, Gold Medalists, Gold Medals Rule, Honor, Hugging Does Not Come Naturally To Us, Hugs, Mo Tae-Bum, Similarities, Skaters, Smirnoff Ice, Speed Skating, the Olympics, Vancouver Winter Olympics, Winter Olympics
It’s hard to believe that Facebook was launched six years ago today–where did the time go?
Oh, that’s right. Facebook ATE it.
It sucked it, wasted it, and frittered it away with its poking and SuperPoking and its Zombies and Vampires and those virtual gifts we actually spent non-virtual money on and its middle-of-the-night defriending sprees and its putting your Mom on limited profile once she joined so she wouldn’t see all of your stoned pics and its Scrabulous and Scrabble and Mafia Wars and its 25 Things list and other oversharing memes and its secret groups and Fan Pages and Doppelgänger Week–oh, Doppelgänger Week, how we loved thee–and [deep breath] that thing it was actually designed for, connecting with people or whatever, finding old classmates/childhood friends/colleagues/exes you were happy to see had gotten fat yada yada, and flirting with strangers.
Good lord. Now that we think about it, what did we do before Facebook filled our lives with all of this, well, filler? Like, actually talk to people? Weird.