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I have two male cousins that were born to and raised by the most intense woman I’ve ever met–my mom’s oldest sister. She’s my tough-as-nails, crazy-as-a-chicken, Hardass Asian Aunt and one Meanass Asian Mom. She probably thinks General McChrystal is a total pussy. Lady is intense.
In my aunt’s house, no drinks were consumed by children before their entire dinner (like a two-gallon bowl of Pho) was completely finished. Football games were not attended. Slumber parties were off limits. Piano was practiced at least two hours a day. The icing on the cake? No birthdays were celebrated, either. No parties, no presents, nothin’.
I always imagined that if I had grown up in that house, I would have spent most of my time huddled in my bedroom, pretending to study or folding my clothes. In my alone time I would’ve thrown myself countless imaginary birthday parties, given myself infinite imaginary gifts, blown out hundreds of imaginary birthday candles. Why? Because sometimes it’s nice to celebrate being alive.
Anyway, the moral of this story is… well, there is no moral. And, to be perfectly honest, my parents threw me lots of nice birthday parties, and as a result I have blown out A LOT of trick candles in my day. I didn’t have to throw myself imaginary parties. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give myself a birthday present, because dammit, it’s my birthday today! Woohoo!
And I give myself… LANCE:
Oh, I love him! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Diana!
Filed under: 4-year-old Lance plays 'What A Wonderful World' On Ukelele, Amazian Jr., Awesome Gifts, Birthday Presents, Birthdays, Celebrasians, Gen. McChrystal, Hardass Asian Aunts, Hardass Asian Moms, Imaginasian, Meanass Asian People, ukelele, What A Wonderful World
Intern Jasmine‘s birthday is in March, but Jen and I happen to think it’s never too early to start compiling gift ideas for her next celebrasian!
Cuz here’s the deal: MINDstyle has made an actual Manny Pacquiao toy collectible. A frickin’ MANNY PACQUIAO toy. Are they FOR SERIOUS??? Jasmine is gonna freak the eff out! FREAK OUT! It’s so awesome!!!
Those details!!! The belt, the brow, that frown of intimidasian… little Pacman is BADASS.
And not to be a dick, but now that I’ve thought about it… Jasmine, shmasmine! I think we ALL need one of these! When’s our birthday, again?
Filed under: Action Figures, Amazians, Best Presents Ever, Birthday Presents, Boxers, Boxing, Gift ideas, Gift Lists, Intern Jasmine, Manny Pacman Pacquiao, Manny Pacquiao, Manny Pacquiao Art Collectible Toy, MINDstyle, Sri Lanka + London and South East UK = Awesome, Toys
Welp, today is my birthday. And to celebrate, my friend sent me this adorable video of a kid taking an avant-garde approach to singing the “Happy Birthday” song: a little feedback, a little beatboxing, a little more feedback, a little freestyling, a little sampling (“Old MacDonald”), some rhythmic laughter.
It’s so damn cute. So damn cute. But um, does anybody else hear his Vietnamese dad giving him the full-on shutdown? No feedback! No giggling! Stop messing around and sing the song professionally, like a respectable baby!
That seems a little Hardass for a birthday present, even coming from one of Us…
Asians love bling, and Asians love gadgets.
What do we do when our gadgets get blinged?
Well, some of us put the $200k gold-and-(hopefully green)diamond gadget on our birthday wish list, especially since our birthday is coming up in less than a month. Then we drop casual hints to our close friends (Hi, Jen!), family members (Hi, Dad!), co-workers (Hi, Jasmine!), and gents (Hi Marty/Chaz/Morridge/Laphonz/RabbiBerg/Ned/Maz/JohnCho/Blaine/Buddy/Billy/Bob/BillyBob/RyanGosling!) to start saving up.
Clock’s a-tickin’. Not trying to be pushy here, though! Just stating the facts! Uh, clock’s a-tickin’.
Filed under: $200, 000 Diamond-Dipped Blackberry, Alexander Amosu, Asians And Their Unholy Obsession with Gadgets, Birthday Presents, Blackberry, Bling, Diamonds, I WANT I WANT I WANT, Shameless Materialism
Happy 33rd birthday to the pretty-faced Zhao Wei, whose life as an actress in China has been nothing if not colorful.
We wish her good gifts (like a Lanvin necklace or dessert-of-the-month subscription), great gifts (like a donation in her name to Kiva or a personal robot), and–most importantly–a year without drrrrrrama! Don’t we all kinda need that?
Happy Birthday to us
We sure like to cuss
And since it’s our birthday
Maybe y’all will make a fuss!
Fuss aside, it sure has been a great two years! Thank you–we love you for hanging with us for so long!
One thing I did not get for my birthday yesterday was sleep. Despite having a pasta-tasting menu for dinner (five buttery pasta courses = sleep, right?), I found myself awake at 5 a.m.–again–drinking scotch out of my new birthday tumbler (I got two, one for me, one for Diana), catching up on my interwebz, commiserating with our friend Edana on Facebook, who was also awake and asking all of the pertinent questions one has at that twisted hour (namely, what’s wrong with us and why has alcohol failed us), and cursing this dull, repetitive, unceasing misfortune of mine.
So the last thing I wanted to see this morning was a website devoted to sleeping Chinese people. Because it’s like, How dare you. But the truth is, watching people sleep is fascinating, particularly when they’re not actually beside you in bed, taunting you with their sleepfulness. And the pictures are all taken of people asleep in public places, which suggests that these sad sacks probably have more in common with someone like me than I would think.
You’d think that the website’s premise would be kind of offensive, like sleeping Chinese people are no different than animals at the zoo, especially since the photos are taken by some German dude living in China, but the idea endeared itself to me after I read the photographer’s welcoming statement:
“They talk about ‘The Sleeping Giant’. About ‘The Birth of the New Super Power’ or ‘The Awakening of the Red Dragon’. Often with a strange kind of undertone, which is supposed to frighten us. The reality definitely looks more peaceful.”
Fighting Chinysteria one picture at a time? That’s one thing, at least, that’ll help me sleep better at night.
To go to sleepingchinese.com, click here.
Thanks to everyone for their delightful birthday messages!