You are currently browsing posts tagged with Big Brother

They Must Call It Big Brother Because You Want to Steal Its Dirty Mags and Then Punch It in the Spleen

July 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Shooting Stars: The effervescent cast of ‘Big Brother 11′

I worked in reality television for four sordid years and never watched an episode of Big Brother (Dear God, I hope my former jefe isn’t reading this!). Instead, I studied the format on paper, religiously researched cast members and memorable conflicts, allowed myself to be fascinated by the number of cameras apparently mounted around the house, met frequently with the show’s multitude of producers, and believed–without ever seeing an act–that I understood Big Brother‘s point. The ultimate fish bowl, everyone called it. Pure genius, they described. A landmark achievement, one exec mused.

Lie.

LIE.

LIE!

What a Crock Pot of shit all of that was. Seriously.

I finally saw my first episode of Big Brother last Sunday (Mind you, we’re now amidst an ungodly Season 11) during periodic glances away from a lively game of Blackberry Sudoku. I can’t exactly tell you what was going on, but I did understand that the group had been divided into “cliques”–Oh, you know, like “Brains” and “Athletes”… and, ehrm, “Offbeat” cliques. (Gosh, I feel embarrassed just typing those words on the page.)

Problem is, based on pure instinct, I instantly found myself rooting against every single person in the house. The offbeat freaks were all poseurs, the brainy nerds awkweird and creepy. And the jocks, as always, spent so much time kissing their dumb muscles that I began to simply hate life.

But I didn’t just hate them for their cliquey leanings. Flaky blonde chicks that have never had a real conversation with a dork sporting a crappy adult faux-hawk are people, too, and I get that. But honestly, I racked my brain for minutes–MINUTES!–and could not determine a reason for a self-respecting human to immerse themselves in the sick, sad, exhibitionist world of Brother, for days on end with a house full of fairly unattractive and dull nobodys.

Okay, one reason. How great would it be to eventually see oneself on the small screen, juxtaposed with brassy, sassy host Julie Chen in one of these saucy numbers?

Yowza!

But that can’t be enough of a reason, can it? Back to the real issue! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THESE CAST MEMBERS?

[Uncomfortable silence]

Sigh. Apparently, people actually watch this dung heap. Check it out: moving right along, the douchebags in the house ultimately stirred up lots of trouble (and buzz!) after three of the castmates got into an awesomely lame argument that took a dark turn when Braden–a semi-ugly white dude with with decent abs and chicken legs–vented his frustration with Kevin–a blasian–by repeatedly calling him a “beaner” (1:16 of the video below)

Braden’s follow-up jab to the beaner tirade and resulting yellfest? “Hey, go back to Burbank.” (1:46)

[Stunned pause while blogger chokes herself]

Hunh. I guess that kind of people.

[via Reality Blurred]

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Thanks, jRu!

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Chinese Internet Filter Censors "Gay Content," "Illegal Activities," and Garfield the Cat (UPDATE)

June 30th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Garfield is obscene. So are pictures of cooked pork and close-ups of Johnny Depp’s face, according to Green Dam software, an Internet filter that will be preinstalled on every personal computer sold in China beginning July 1. (Oh, and Paris Hilton, too, but we already knew that.)


Such is the sophisticasian of China’s latest technology designed to further the government’s authoritarian reach prevent moral decay among its citizens. In addition to blocking what it perceives as obscene, Green Dam also allows its users to filter out “gay content” and “illegal activities,” which is to say, all of the fun stuff.

Geez, why not take down the entire world wide web while you’re at it, Communist Party poopers.

[UPDATE: China is postponing the installation of Green Dam software in new computers. Guess they're reconsidering the Garfield issue.]

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Thanks, Neal!

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Grass-Mud Hydrasian

March 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A day after the New York Times wrote a story about the grass-mud horse video that’s become a subversive protest of censorship and authoritarianism in China, the original video, which had garnered 1.4 million hits, was removed from YouTube. If you click on the url for the video, you get the standard YouTube removal message: “This video has been removed by the user.” Of course, since we’re talking about a video that fucks with the Chinese government, you can’t help but worry that “the user,” too, has been “removed,” in the way that the Tibetan Panchen Lama was removed and has not been seen nor heard from in the last 14 years since he was named successor to the Dalai Lama.

But the beauty of the internet is that it functions like a Hydra. If you cut off one of its heads, two will spring back in its place. As soon as the original grass-mud horse video was taken down, three more were uploaded right back onto YouTube. YouTube is owned by Google, which has been accused–along with Microsoft and Yahoo!–of aiding the Chinese government with online censorship, but how long can that last when The People keep finding new ways to be heard?

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Au Naturelizasian

February 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Is that really you, Julie Chen (pictured below with her network president, er, husband, Les Moonves)?


Whither goest the helmet hair, the shit-ton of makeup, the pageant smile, and the weird plastic surgery?

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

January 8th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

This week, we celebrate the 39th birthday of Julie Chen, aka the reigning Queen Missus of the CBS empire. We envy her shiny-and-full-of-body coif and pretty eyes (we bet she’s got a sweet-bangin’ GPS system in her car, or some other cool gadget like that, too).

May she continue to look this lovely and ageless until robotic eternity! Her very existence makes us want to turn 39, too, like NOW.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Ron Artest "Still Ghetto"

August 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


This week, a potential trade between the Houston Rockets and the Sac o’ Shit Kings was announced that would send Ron Artest to my hometown team. In reaction, Yao told the Houston Chronicle that he was optimistic but that he hoped “(Artest’s) not fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands.” Artest then responded to Yao’s comments in the Sacramento Bee:

“I understand what Yao said, but I’m still ghetto,” Artest said. “That’s not going to change. I’m never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don’t think he’s ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture. Once Yao Ming gets to know me, he’ll understand what I’m about.

If you go back to the brawl, that’s a culture issue right there. Somebody was disrespecting me, so he’s got to understand where I’m coming from. People that know me know that Ron Artest never changed.”

In this day and age of NBA players meticulously cultivating their image to appeal to advertisers and fans, I find Artest’s statement nothing short of incredible. Commissioner David Stern, who’s spearheaded efforts in the NBA to essentially de-ghettoize the league–whether it’s with a ludicrous dress code or wanting to impose gun restrictions on players–has got to be p-issed! And anything that pisses off Big Brother pants splooger David Stern is alright by me.

Except talking about yourself in the third person.

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Smack the F*ck Up

August 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The Sad Truth: Smack kills

Heroin is an ugly drug, and not an addiction I would wish on my worst enemy. Which is partly why my mouth dropped agape when I saw this headline today:

The full story goes on to describe how traders fed doped-up bananas to Big Brother, an elephant held in captivity since 2005, in order to control him. The traders were apprehended by police when they tried to sell their drug-addicted-elephant off.

The Scotsman reports:

The traders were caught trying to sell Big Brother and his herd after a tip-off to police.

By that time Big Brother had developed a raging heroin addiction and posed a danger to people if denied his fix, the paper said.

A drooling Big Brother was taken to a park on the island of Hainan for treatment, after cold turkey was so unbearable even his chain could not hold him.

This is one of the cruelest stories we’ve ever heard about in a long time. We can only hope that those traders enjoy a long life of having their balls punched in and lemon being squeezed into a million little paper cuts all over their hands.

Big Brother, fully weaned off of his addiction, was returned to the wild this week. Wish him luck!

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Thanks, Chris!

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A Video Riddle

August 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Q: What happens when ignorant jackass half-wits “do it” with pathetic, moronic fools?

A: They procreate. And those children are eventually cast on Big Brother. Witness:

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Micro-Manasian

June 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The Associated Press has reported that 1000 employees working in Malaysia’s Terengganu state’s main government administrative complex are now being monitored by sixteen closed-circuit cameras “to keep them from slacking off at work or vanishing for long tea breaks.”

Oy vey.

Here’s the weird thing: At my last place of official employment, I happened to install my own surveillance camera (Sure, out of vanity. I look hot while I work), and logged the day’s happenings:

9:00am – The work day has officially begun. Office is vacant.

9:30am – Still vacant.

9:45am – Still vacant. Serene almost.

10:03am – A key turns and the office door opens sneakily. A sneaky-looking Asian woman tiptoes in.

10:10am – Woman sits erect in chair and types gibberish on her keypad to sound busy.

10:30am – Woman slumps down in chair, click on her web browser bookmarks. First stop: DISGRASIAN.com

10:35am – Woman laughs uncontrollably for 1 hour while reading DISGRASIAN.com

11:36am – Woman walks the 8×8 perimeter of her room for exercise. Does 15 jumping jacks. Collapses on Ikea chair out of exhaustion. Dozes off for 4 minutes.

11:21am – Woman snaps alert and goes back to desk. Opens up work document. Makes an edit to the type.

11:22am – Woman begins reading celebrity blogs.

12:51pm – Woman calls friend in neighboring office. Jabbers on, arguing about whether or not a certain pair of celebrity breasts are wonky.

12:59pm – Exits for lunch.

1:03pm – Office is quiet.

1:58pm – A key turns and the office door opens sneakily. A sneaky looking Asian woman tiptoes in.

2:05pm – Woman opens up work document again. Sighs. Makes a few edits to the type. Googles a few things for research. Makes more edits.

2:49pm – Woman exits for tea break.

3:45pm – Office is quiet.

4:19pm – Woman returns with tea in hand, laughing about something.

4:29pm – Woman checks DISGRASIAN.com. Laughs heartily.

5:30pm – Woman begins working fiercely on document.

6:15pm – Woman prints out document. Goes to grab document from printer.

6:16pm – Woman proofreads document with red pen. Makes revisions. Prints again.

6:45pm – Woman feels satisfied with her work. Sends an email with the document attached.

6:55pm – Woman sneaks out of office, locking door behind her.

Big Brother, don’t you wish you had TiVo???

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Doublethink

March 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I like to think of myself as a good reader. I took all of these useless lit courses in college about semiotics and hermeneutics and dialectics; I am also a proud owner of a Master’s of Fucking Around. But when I first looked at this ESPN.com story, I found myself without any critical faculties and reduced to reaching for a very full Xanax bottle:

“Kobe Bryant’s Lakers jersey is the cream of the NBA jersey crop in the United States … and now China. Sales of Kobe’s No. 24 displaced Tracy McGrady as China’s most popular seller.

The Los Angeles Lakers’ star has the top-selling jersey there, while sales of Yao Ming’s jersey in his home country continue to fall, according to results released by the NBA on Tuesday.”

The unmitigated stream-of-consciousness panic attack that followed went something like this:

profound shame one billion disgrasians profound shame race traitors profound shame fuck all y’all profound shame benedict arnolds profound shame 23 plus 1 is 24 profound shame you’ll never be michael
profound shamerape
profound shame not going to the playoffs profound shame i hate the lakers profound shame you’re a booger-eater profound shame shame go away come again another day eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Two peach-colored Xannies later, I took a closer look at the article and received new insight. The piece was far more sinister the second time around. I realized it wasn’t about Kobe at all but, rather, about another subject almost as equally near and dear to my heart. Here are some telling lines:


1) according to results released by the NBA

2) NBA retail sales in China are expected to rise by more than 50 percent this year, the NBA said

3) The league plans, in conjunction with adidas, the exclusive NBA jersey supplier, to open 10 NBA stores in the country by 2008

4) viewing options of NBA games are on the rise as well, with broadcasts available on 51 television stations in China

Then the last line confirmed my suspicions.

5) At 1.3 billion, China is the world’s most populous country

Abracadabra…..Ka-ching!…………………………………….Ka-chong!

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Source: Sixteen Candles

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