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Two-thirds of Americans think race relations are good post-election, according to a recent NY Times/CBS News survey. The Times followed up over the weekend with a story that corroborated those findings, interviewing dozens of people in seven states on the subject. As usual, the interviewees on the vast subject of race relations were limited to either black or white, although Asians were brought into the dialogue by this one fellow:
“I didn’t vote for Obama,” said Chris Miller, 46, a boat builder in Johnstown, N.Y., who is white. “But just what I saw during the campaign — you had people, white, black, yellow, green, gray, every race and nationality out there together supporting that man. That right there showed me, hey, things are changing, things are better here. I had never seen anything to that extent.”
But is it too much inclusiveness? What I mean specifically is…who the hell are these green people? (Don’t even get me started on “grays,” I think they’re about as real as centaurs.) What contributions have greens made to this country that suddenly they get to be in discussions about race, too? Our people have been here for over 150 years…can greens say the same? Did they build our railroads and do our laundry? Did they perfect take-out cuisine? Did they set new standards of excellence in science and academia and figure skating? People, you know, accuse Asians of “keeping to themselves,” but have you ever seen a green person do anything positive in your community? For that matter, have you ever even seen a green person?!
Y’all, this is some bullshit. I’m glad Asians are beginning to be included in the dialogue–and I credit Obama for that–but we have waited and worked and protested and agitated to be here. I don’t think you can say the same for green people. If you ask me, they’ve been a little bit apathetic and, frankly, lazy about their place in this society. I know that sounds racist. Maybe it is. In which case, race relations probably aren’t so swell after all. Harumph.
Bobby Jindal is writing a book!
He’s reached an agreement with Regnery Publishing, which has published the works of Newt Gingrich, Chuck Norris, and Ann Coulter, to write a book that mixes, according to Jindal, “lessons I’ve learned throughout my life” and policy issues. The book is slated for release in 2010, a year before Louisiana’s gubernatorial election.
Jindal was going to title the book, Dreams from My Father, until he was told that that title had already been taken. The Louisiana governor is currently trying to decide between Hey! I’m Brown and the Child of Immigrants, Too! and Piyush Jindal Is Also a Funny Name and If You Squint Really Hard at the TV and Cover Your Ears, You Just Might Mistake Me for You-Know-Who (Although Probably Not).
Dude. Duuuuude. I must be high, because I just heard that Kumar is putting his acting career on hold to work for the White House. It was announced today that Kal Penn will be working for the Office of Public Liaison, helping to connect Obama with his “Asian constituents.” That means us, homey!
I mean, what actor allows himself to get killed off of FOX’s number one-scripted series to work for the President? And can you think of a better liaisian for us than Kumar? The only way this could be more perfect is if Harold joined him at the White Castle on Pennsylvania Avenue. But dude. Seriously, duuuuuude. This is huge.
Thanks to everyone who sent this in!
Filed under: Asian-American Voters, Barack Obama, FOX TV, Harold and Kumar, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, House, Indian-Americans, Kal Penn, Kumar Goes to the White House, Office of Public Liaison
Name: 1st Lieutenant Dan Choi
Occupation: National Guardsman with the 1st Battalion, 69th Infantry, based in Manhattan
Known for: Graduating from West Point with degrees in Arabic Language and Environmental Engineering, serving an extended tour of combat in Baghdad during the Iraq War, and founding Knights Out–an advocacy and education organization of soldiers that strives for the best possible leadership in the military, regardless of sexual orientation. Choi, joined by the other members of Knights out, are coming out publicly to defy the disingenuous policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
Choi told the Navy Times, “I’m very comfortable with all the repercussions right now. To me, it’s about doing the right thing, not about trying to fit into the process that gets you the rank or prevents you from getting a discharge. If that’s the repercussion, I’m ready to take it. I think it’s more important that I let everybody know that … it is a wrong policy.” (For more regarding KO, See Choi’s interview with Rachel Maddow above)
We almost wish we were cadets so that we could join Knights Out, a surefire way to be associated with a military man boasting actual balls of steel.
Filed under: Amazian Gaysians, Balls of Steel, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Coming Out, Dan Choi, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Gay Rights, Military Men, National Guard, Policy That Sucks, Rachel Maddow, West Point
JEN: Barack Obama is President!!!
DIANA: Shit’s crazy. I don’t believe it. Pinch me.
Jen pinches Diana on the arm.
DIANA: Owww! That hurt!!
JEN: You said “pinch me.”
DIANA: You’re right. (beat) Dude. Our President is so pretty. I can’t believe we get to stand so close to him.
JEN: Dude. This one isn’t real. He’s made of wax.
DIANA: Shit! I knew it. This is just a dream, isn’t it?
JEN: No, no. What’s happening is real.
DIANA: Okay, then pinch me again.
Jen pinches Diana again.
DIANA: OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! You are such a pinchy bitch! But I get it now, this is real.
JEN: And yet it’s also a dream.
DIANA: Yes. Yes it is.
Hello from Washington, D.C.– our nation’s chilly, beautiful capital!
I’m here this week to celebrate at stuffy panels, earnest documentary screenings, overstuffed, decadent balls, and colossal public events–all in preparation for the moment that Barack Obama says that beautiful Oath of office and closes the door on America’s eight-year Era of Shame.
I’m not the only one excited about the festivities here. Guess who arrived on my flight?
It feels like it really began yesterday afternoon, but the streets are buzzing with energy. People are simply going bananas, in a good way! They’re breaking out into “Yes We Can!” chants on the street. They’re partying until 5am! They’re watching CNN EVERYWHERE.
I can barely handle the hullabaloo (this may because I am nursing a monster hangover from showing my “energy” until 7am last night), so instead of shouting my joy out on the street, I’m just kicking it old school with my real friends at the hotel:
Hails from: Hawaii
Occupation: Retired four-star general and Secretary of Veterans Affairs nominee
Known for: Becoming the first Asian-American four-star general in the U.S. Army. Getting an MA in English literature(!) after graduating from West Point. Stepping on a landmine while fighting in the Vietnam War and losing part of his foot. Famously clashing with Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz before Congress at the start of the Iraq War, when General Shinseki was Army Chief of Staff, because he believed that a post-war occupation of Iraq would require way more troops than Rumsfeld had estimated. After that, he was iced out of the Defense Department, even though–like so many other Bush administration critics–he turned out to be right.
Rumsfeld & Co. can suck it (like Tina Fey haters) because General Shinseki’s confirmasian hearing for Veteran Affairs Secretary is this Wednesday, and he’s going to sail right through, finally getting the respect he so deserves.
Filed under: Barack Obama, Donald Rumsfeld, General Eric Shinseki, George Bush is a Dick, Hawaiians, Obama's Cabinet, Paul Wolfowitz, Secretary of Veterans' Affairs, Vietnam Vets, We Love Being Right, West Point
It was reported this week that CNN’s chief health correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, is Obama’s top pick for Surgeon General. We don’t know a whole lot about the Office–according to Wikipedia, it’s gotten rather low-pro and unglam in recent years–but we do come from a long line of doctors (well, Diana does…mine are all the academic kind, i.e. “fake” ones), and here are what we consider Dr. Gupta’s outstanding qualificasians:
Hails from: Hong Kong
Occupation: Actor/Singer/Home Pornographer
Remember Edison Chen, the Hong Kong actor/singer who had his home-porn stash stolen in February ’08, resulting in many awkward public apologies and the Triads wanting to cut off his hands and shit? Well, all that notoriety recently landed him a spot on Hong Kong’s Person of the Year list. He came in #2, behind Barack Obama, which we would normally consider a dubious honor (or “First Loser,” as Diana’s family calls it). But think about it. Barack Obama had to get elected President to top that list. Edison Chen? He just had to know how to operate a camera and his dick. To make it to #2 on those creds…is nothing short of amazing.
Today is the President-elect’s first day back on the job at Capitol Hill, and he’s hitting the ground running by meeting with Speaker Pelosi and running headfirst into the daunting task of economic policy.
As we ourselves slide reluctantly into our first day back at work, we can’t help but wonder if Obama–between bangs of his head on the desk accompanied by the chant, “I can’t believe I’m going to have to run this broken, mangled, carcass of a country next month”–might quietly be sighing the same airy breaths of relief we all do as we return from two weeks of Holiday “celebrations.” Is he secretly thankful that now he can deal with the insurmountable mountain of work “changing America,” instead of fussing with overcommitments to parties, poor displays of unsentimental gift-giving, and mind-numbing marathons of Taboo and Guesstures with relatives?
After all, Asian lifeblood sorta runs through (or near) our future leader’s veins. Could he possibly know all-too-well the experience of a Hardass Asian Holiday dinner? If his was anything like ours, we can only imagine…
BARACK OBAMA: Merry Christmas, everybody!
MICHELLE OBAMA: Isn’t Hawaii beautiful? Look, Malia and Sasha made cotton-ball Santas for everyone!
MAYA SOETORO-NG: Aw. How lovely.
MICHELLE OBAMA: I mean, Sasha’s is a little lopsided, you know. I told her not to use the glue stick, just to use just the regular school glue, but she doesn’t listen. So it could look better, I suppose.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: I guess you’re still proud of her, though.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Sure, I guess. If only she was as good as her sister.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: Y’know, it’s funny you mention it anyway, because I wasn’t going to say anything, but I did notice that the right side could use quite a few more cotton balls. Don’t you guys use the Johnson & Johnson ones, like I suggested? How many times do I have to buy those for you guys? Barry always buys the generic ones.
MICHELLE OBAMA: He says he can’t tell the difference.
KONRAD NG: I’m with you brother, I can’t really tell the difference.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: [To Konrad] Don’t take his side! You’re my husband, be on my side.
BARACK OBAMA: Guys, I don’t know if it really matters all that m–
MAYA SOETORO-NG: So are you calling us stupid?
BARACK OBAMA: Um… no.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: Why are you trying to start fights? It’s Christmas! You just got here and already you’re starting fights.
BARACK OBAMA: I am?
MICHELLE OBAMA: Listen to your sister, honey. You’re not the “President” here.
[Michelle and Maya high-five]
BARACK OBAMA: Does the driveway need shoveling or something? I think I’m gonna go outside.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: It’s Hawaii. Are you going to shovel sand? [To Michelle] This is just like when he was little. Always saying stuff to get out of the room.
BARACK OBAMA: So… how are things with you? It’s so good to be here and just get away. I don’t even want to think about the Inauguration.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Oh boy, here we go again. Okay, Mister President. Let’s talk about you more.
BARACK OBAMA: I just mean that we’re so busy.
KONRAD NG: Yeah, we are all busy.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: Yes, Barack. We are all busy. You’re not the only one with a job, you know! I have a job, Konrad has a job, Michelle has a job, Malia has a job.
BARACK OBAMA: Malia doesn’t have a job!
MAYA SOETORO-NG: But she will! Don’t you think we should talk about her for a change?
BARACK OBAMA: Change whatever you want! FINE!
MAYA SOETORO-NG: FINE!
KONRAD NG: Does anybody want to play Rummikub?
MICHELLE OBAMA: Okay. But only if we have rum first.
BARACK OBAMA: I can’t wait to get back to work.
MAYA SOETORO-NG: Merry Christmas, everybody!
…Needless to say, we doubt the Obamas roll like we do. But boy, as you can probably tell, we are damn glad to be back at our desks.
Filed under: Back from the Dark Side, Barack Obama, Family Get-Togethers, Hardass Asian Siblings, Konrad Ng, Maya Soetoro-Ng, Michelle Obama, Strange Directions Holidays Take, The Holidays, Traumatizing Holidays
CNN reported Wednesday that President-elect Obama will likely nominate Dr. Steven Chu for Secretary of Energy, despite concerns that the Nobel physicist has no political experience. Many of you sent us this story, and I imagine it’s not just because Chu is Asian-American. It’s also because the 60 year-old Cal professor reminds you of your Hardass Asian Dad–bespectacled, nerdy, great at math and science, and the most competent and capable person you know.
Congratulasians, Dr. Chu!
Post-election politics have begun to resemble an episode of The Hills lately, with Obama–who is obviously Lauren Conrad–reconciling with bitter rival John McCain Monday while currently vetting best frenemy Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. McCain is this drama’s Heidi Montag, Lauren’s former friend who started out likable and sweet but wound up, over time, becoming a lying deceitful bitch. (Heidi spreading rumors about Lauren’s alleged sex tape = The McCain camp’s allegations that Obama palled around with terrorists.) We’ve got Hillary, meanwhile, pegged as Audrina Patridge, Lauren’s on-again, off-again friend whose Significant Other always seems to be stirring up trouble between them. (Monosyllabic Justin Bobby = Overly-loquacious Bill.) Will Hillary turn down the position as Secretary of State, the way that Audrina recently turned down living with Lauren and Lo (BFF/gatekeeper Lo = Rahm Emanuel) to move out on her own? Will Bill’s ties to oil sheikhs compromise the already-tenuous friendship between Hillary and Obama the way that rumors about a Justin Bobby hook-up with Lauren hurt Lauren and Audrina? Will McCain and Obama really be able to put aside their differences to tolerate being in the same room together or–dare to dream–to be friends again, even?
Filed under: Audrina Patridge, Barack Obama, BFFs, Frenemies, Friends, Heidi Montag, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Lauren Conrad, Secretary of State, The Hills, The Hills Seemed Completely Useless Until Now