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Small Dick, Huge Balls [VIDEO]

November 11th, 2009 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

YouTube sensation Tim Chantarangsu, aka TimothyDeLaGhetto2, may have a small dick, but, man, is he hung with some nards.

“For Asian dudes, this idea of the small penis joke is like our Kryptonite…that’s supposed to be the worst thing you could say to an Asian dude, it’s almost like this Asian penis joke is like the n-word equivalent for Asian dudes, cuz it’s like oh my god I can’t believe he just said that, I’mma get this Asian dude, I’m gonna either say he’s got a small dick or he eats dog or he eats dog with a small dick. By taking the power away from that, I’m doing kinda like black people did where they embraced the n-word as a word of love.”

For more of Tim’s videos, check out:

[TimothyDeLaGhetto2 YouTube Channel]
[TraPhik MySpace]

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Bike-Curious

July 28th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

In 106 years of racing, no Japanese rider has ever completed the Tour De France. This year, however, two Japanese riders crossed the finish line at the Champs-Élysées, irrefutably putting Japanese cycling on the world map: Yukiya Arashiro (from Team BBOX Bouygues Telecom) and Fumiyuki Beppu (from Team Skil-Shimano).

Arashiro and Beppu looking good at Stage 10

I still don’t quite understand how the hell any human rider managed to get through the entire tour of 2009–one of the hardest courses in years–especially with the second-to-last stage a grueling, windy, super-gnarly climb up Mont Ventoux. A person has to be a machine to charge up that incline at the end of three weeks–any dude that can sack up at that level on the 22nd day is seriously A-OK in my book.

Speaking of sacks! Yellow jersey winner Alberto Contador must have some serious balls.

“Teammates”

He wins the highest honor of the Gentleman’s team sport, aided by legendary teammate and rival Lance Armstrong (who, fresh out of retirement, stood on the podium at 3rd and helped grab the overall victory for their team, Astana) and says:

“My relationship with Armstrong is nil.”

Dayum. I don’t know these two personally, but I do understand teamwork and its role in cycling–and I’m pretty sure that’s not the best way to say, “Thank you for my yellow jersey and team win.”

Contador’s sure got a scrote of steel, but what a dick!

[CNN: Armstrong hits back at Contador criticism]

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Red, Red Flags

February 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
What? Me Worry?

Dear Djimon,

Get out. Get out now. Get out while you’re still safe. While you still have some dignity. While your testicles are still neatly wound up in balls. While you still have a chance. Don’t legally bind yourself into a life like this photo.

Hey–don’t take this the wrong way. It’s just us looking out for you, because even though the above photo has to (Has to!) be a joke, we can’t help but feel that it contains just a teeny-weeny ounce of truth. And frankly, even if halitosis isn’t involved, that really scares us for you.

xoxo,
DISGRASIAN

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Strum My Wang

January 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I don’t know dick about playing a real guitar…


But I could learn!

[via BuzzFeed]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Ann Curryella

October 31st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Meredith Vieira as Pinocchio, Matt Lauer as Humpty Dumpty, Ann Curry as Cinderella, and Al Roker as The Gingerbread Man

The Today show crew dressed up as fairy tale characters for Halloween, and our favorite robot Ann Curry went as Cinderella, or, in her own words, “an ethnic J.Lo Cinderella.” While I’m glad she’s making a case for ethnic Cinderellas, she looks more like an ethnic J.Lo Cinderella’s evil stepmonster trying to upstage her stepdaughter at some royal event to which the evil stepmonster was charitably invited, despite being a raging shebitch who used to make Cindy scrub floors and clean toilets. Her Cinde-weave looks really grey. The cream color of her dress washes her out, too. And I don’t think anyone over the age of 6 should ever wear a ballgown, because they’re aging (whenever I watch the Oscars, I scream this all night long at the television), a problem that Ann doesn’t have in real life, making this costume all the more confounding.

Ah well. I suppose things could be worse. Like, say, having a big blue M&M for a ballsack.

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Nobody’s Foo

October 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Joining the ranks of bands who refuse to lose face on account of the Republican party are the Foo Fighters! They, like Heart, have submitted a public statement requesting that the G.O.P. discontinue the use of their song, “My Hero,” without permission.

Their statement:


“This isn’t the first time the McCain campaign has used a song without making any attempt to get approval or permission from the artist…. To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song… It makes us ashamed to be us, because it seems like we wanna hang tight with that disoriented gook-hater and his caribou Queen. And listen, we’ve never been ashamed to be us. Would you be?

By the way, has John McCain ever reminded you of Herman Munster?*”

*Not all of this statement is true. Click here to read the original statement.

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I Heart Heart

September 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Last night, while swilling Macallan 12 with my favorite gal Jen and strapping on my Guitar Hero axe, I pointed at the song, “Barracuda,” in the track list.

“Jesus Christo lady,” I said to Jen with a shake of my head, “Did you hear that shit blasting after Palin’s speech at the RNC? We’ve gotta get five stars and reclaim it for the party of the people.”

“Party?” she responded, inspired by her favorite word.

“Dude, totally.” I nodded. “Y’know, it’s such an unfair projection of shame onto Heart. They didn’t ask for it, right? They couldn’t possibly be happy about it. They should write a letter and tell the Republican party to stop.”

“They did!” said Jen.

And, in fact, she’s right. Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart wasted no time in sending a cease and desist notice to the McCain-Palin campaign, telling Entertainment Weekly, “Sarah Palin’s views and values in no way represent us as American women…We ask that our song ‘Barracuda’ no longer be used to promote her image.”

Ballsy, right? Mos def.

More ballsy, however, is the McCain-Palin campaign’s response of…not giving one shit. According to CNN, they blasted the jam before an outdoor rally this morning in Ohio. It sent out a powerful message:

“WE DO NOT HEAR YOU. WE DO NOT CARE IF YOU LIKE US. WE DO NOT CARE IF YOU LIKE WHAT WE DO. WE WILL GO WHERE WE ARE UNWANTED, WE WILL CLAIM THINGS AS OURS THAT REFUSE TO BE CLAIMED. WE RULE. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, WE WILL PROBABLY SHAKE A GUN (OR FETUS) AT YOU.”

Hmm. Maybe they do have what it takes to run this country, after all!

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DNC Updasian: Much to Write About Nothing

August 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


A play-by-play (sorta) of Diana’s first day at the DNC:

4:55am: The alarm on the radio clock in Diana’s hotel room rings and does not stop when slammed against the wall. Even after unplugged, the clock burps and sighs for two minutes, all the while sounding not unlike the din of her aunts complaining at a holiday party.

7:45am: Diana wakes up for really real, feeling hung over even though she isn’t, wondering if the altitude makes mornings more horrible in Denver.

8:04: While eating eggs, Diana realizes that during the last Democratic National Convention held in Denver (in 1908), women didn’t even have the right to vote yet. She decides to stop bitching and start thinking about tapping the Rockies vibing with all of the other “conventioneers” (see photo above).

9:30am: Sipping on a coffee and gobbling up free wifi at one of the swanky MySpace cafes, Diana sends about 40 texts to friends saying, “Are you in Denver? Letz hook up yo!”–half hoping that most of the people on the receiving end aren’t actually anywhere near Colorado and will just be jealous.

10:00am: Diana wonders what a “Discobama” is. Even without knowing, she wants one.

10:30am: Jen and Intern Jasmine try to explain mobile Twitter to Diana so that she can send updates from the Denver streets. Diana acts like she understands what they’re talking about, cuz she’s Asian, and Asians hate to admit when they’re confused. She’s confused.

10:58am: Diana gets her first response to the text blast: “Totally. I’ve been here for a week.” No one writes back about being jealous.

11:15am: Diana sits at a table next to Rosa DeLauro, a member of the House of Representatives based out of New Haven, CT (site of Jen’s undergrad educasian and home of the world’s greatest pizza). DeLauro is an author of the Paycheck Fairness Act, makes wonderful eye contact, wears wacky glasses, and reminds Diana of the world’s greatest pizza–she is therefore Diana’s new favorite lady.

12:45pm: Diana checks the DISGRASIAN Twitter page to see if it has magically updated with her thoughts, even though she still really doesn’t understand mobile Twittering. It hasn’t.

1:30pm: Diana speaks on a panel with female mavericks like Faye Wattleton and Marie Wilson, feeling totally not worthy.

2:05pm: Arianna Huffington floats into the room, looking wonderful and smart as always, and Diana senses that every other woman is tacitly buzzing with glee. She talks about how failure inevitably opens doors, which Diana never heard growing up. Diana is confused again. To get her mind off of the confusion, Diana thinks about how Arianna looks like the physical emodiment of cashmere and floral perfume, and has very pretty hair.

2:45pm: Diana and Arianna chat, and Diana talks about how happy DISGRASIAN has been about posting regularly on HuffPo and 23/6. Arianna replies, “I love it! I love it!” and Diana thinks, So do we! So do we!

3:30pm: Diana misses Jen, cuz Jen is far away.

4:00pm: Intern Jasmine sweetly asks Diana if she’s Twittered yet. Diana says yes.

4:10pm: Diana thinks about egging the abortion van (a protest vehicle plastered with photos of mangled fetuses) after it drives by for the 57th time of the day. Not because she doesn’t like fetuses…


4:27pm: Diana receives a text: “Ahh, you’re @ the Convention! Have fun!” and decides she senses a mild hint of jealousy between the lines.

4:45pm: While eating a very bad spicy tuna roll, Diana remembers why she never eats sushi outside of coastal cities.

5:14pm: Diana wonders if the Barack and Hillary plushies being sold on the street were made in China.


5:30pm: A passerby tells Diana that somebody is selling Obama and McCain flip-flops. Diana spends a half hour hunting them down to buy for Jen but fails. She decides that, according to Arianna’s logic, this failure will open doors.

5:45pm: Diana and friend Christie spot a car on the street boasting a McCain sticker. Diana is mildly impressed at the dude’s cojones (he’s outnumbered, y’all!), and then realizes that he’s probably not too afraid of getting jumped by all of the Dems renting bikes and playing with Obama/Hillary plushies at this convention. Still, she continues to refer to him thereafter as “the guy with the balls.”


In order to take a picture of the car without getting jumped by its owner, Diana pretends to pose with a flyer for Dikta, a melodic Icelandic band that the dude with the balls probably isn’t scared of, either.

6:oopm: Diana and Christie manage to run and catch the light rail by a hair! As they jump into the last car with the doors still ajar, Diana thinks: Open doors! This must have been the result of the flip-flop failure!

6:01pm: As the train starts moving, it whips wildly around its first corner. Diana, who is standing in a pretty Marni dress and cashmere cardigan, while daintily holding her laptop and bag in her left arm, is suddenly flung around like a rag doll against the back of the train car. She tumbles back against the railing and thinks she has dislocated her shoulder. Slightly mortified, she laughs hysterically and tries to regain her balance, only for the train to whip around another corner, flinging her down three entry stairs, against the car’s sliding doors, and back against more railing. Diana thinks she may die in the light rail. So much for failure.

Instead, the car stops trying to kill Diana, but leaves her with mild whiplash, a welt on her back, and bruises and scrapes all over her arms.


Diana hates the muthafuckin’ light rail! She is going to punch the bejeezus out of it the next time she sees it! She’ll even get that guy with the balls to help her, if need be.

7:23pm: After eating some queso dip, Diana decides to take a nap.

10:05pm: People finally start texting Diana to see if she plans to hit the party circuit tonight. She lies and says yes about every event, often responding, “See u there!” She even looks at her closet and pretends to pick out something to wear.

10:07pm: Diana sends her first successful mobile Twitter.

10:30pm: Diana blogs.

1:10am: Diana sleeps. Sorta.

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Thanks, Gladys, Christie and Arianna!

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Native Korean Rock & the Fishnets

July 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


It looks like our favorite ballsy lass is embracing her Asian (better) half! Karen O launched her long-anticipated side project–Native Korean Rock & the Fishnets–in Brooklyn last weekend, and even if we weren’t kinda obsessed with her, we’d really, really love it.

Whether or not you think it sounds like a bunch of misplaced Yeah Yeah Yeahs secret tracks or the Second Coming of Christ, grab a taste here.

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Thanks, Jen!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Now This Is What We Call a Crotch Shot

June 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Fuck that.

THIS is what we call a crotch shot:


(Spain eventually beat in Germany’s balls 1-0 in the European Championship final. ¡Viva La Nutcracking!)

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Balls

June 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hey–check out the new Dragonball movie poster:


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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Badass Asian Parenting

March 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I didn’t blink an eye when I saw that Kazumi Izaki (pictured left) just passed the Japanese board’s license test to become the country’s oldest female boxer at the age of 44.

The Hardass Asian Mother of two told The Star Online:

“After you turn 40, you get far-sighted and you wither physically,” she told reporters after her test bout Thursday. “But I should be able to compensate for it with the other high-level qualities that I have.

Those high-level qualities were not explicitly mentioned in the Star article, but I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a temporary list to help you get the picture:

  • Izaki is very good at “killing with eye lasers.”
  • Izaki can make someone cry purely by saying, “I should never have had you.”
  • Izaki’s not-secret weapon: cutting an opponent off at the knees.
  • Izaki’s super-secret weapon: disappointed eyes.
  • Can Izaki pack a punch? Her husband says, “Her smack feels like a UFC Champ’s punch to the balls.”

Needless to say, I feel quite confident that this lady’s gonna be taking home a belt or two at age 45, 50, 55, and beyond.

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