You are currently browsing posts tagged with Bai Ling

Bai Ling Gives Good Hummer

August 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


I decided recently that, even though I’m shelling out the equivalent of a mortgage on gas every month, I’m pretty stoked about the fuel crisis. Yeah man, I’m down with the $5 gallon. Vespas are back (my heart melts every time I see a smart-looking gal zipping along with her scarf flapping in the wind. It’s so Quadrophenia. It’s so Roman Holiday. It’s so Ready, Steady, Go!). Parking has certainly gotten easier (unless you’re trying to find a pole to tie up your Bianchi bike). But the best result of all: General Motors has been forced to admit that their Hummer brand is in danger.

I’m glad that finally, FINALLY, it’s the general consensus to laugh and point at the morons stupid enough to put a down payment on one of these butt-ugly, gaz-guzzling, fuck-natural-resources-this-world-is-for-me-me-me tankmobiles. Now we point, we giggle, we wonder aloud how bloody crazy a fuzzin’ person would have to be to park their ass in the drivers seat of one of those things, dumping in double tanks of fuel just to drive to the corner store. I mean, how crazy would you have to be?

I always love the Hummer….. Big powerful and cute and safe…… But yet very very dangerous too…….”

OH. THAT crazy.

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Earthquasian

July 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Bai Ling’s earthshattering dancing


In case you live under a rock–we had an earthquake in Southern California this morning that registered 5.4 on the Richter scale. It sent Diana scrambling under her desk at work and me running out to the front yard with my two dogs. It was there that I took stock of what I was wearing–a baggy t-shirt, boxers, and Birkenstocks–and reminded myself that I need to start making more of an effort working from home because one of these days The Big One will happen and I’ll literally be caught with my pants down. While most people I know were freaked by the whole thing, Bai Ling (via her blog) had a slightly different take:

…the earth heard me and is helping me to show the Russian lady and the Russian man that I can make the floor dance, so wired when I stepped on the floor and waved with the earth like a tangle almost waved to the window, maybe it is my dance made the earth happy or mad? The Earth started to shake his ass to show me he is better? And maybe was a way of giving me a worning or celebrate with me as we all are just had a teqeila and drunk? I know there is this little wild spirit in side earth she is just like me wear a short mini skirt and like to surprise people and light a fire.

“(M)aybe it is my dance made the earth happy or mad”???

Well, we’ve seen Bai Ling dance…so, maybe. Just maybe.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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The X Files: I Want to Bai-lieve

July 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Bai Ling attended the X-Files: I Want to Believe premiere last night looking like a slutty Big Bird, accessorized with–shocker!–a requisite nipple slipple, silver heels, a hint of ass crack, and those stupid fucking band-aids.


Bai doesn’t appear to be in the movie, but if she were, we’re confident she would have been perfect as “one of them.”

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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A Momentous Occasian

May 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We never really thought the day would come when a photo of Bai Ling would actually be so ripe for a joke that we were actually rendered speechless.

But that day–today–arrived. Quite frankly, we’re not even enjoying it.

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Everybody Fugs a Winner

April 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our pals Jess and Heather over at Go Fug Yourself took on an almost insurmountable task last week: determining the 2008 Champion of Fug, also known as the first-ever champion of “Fug Madness.”

Who took home the big honor, you ask? None other than our very own DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer, Bai Ling.

With competition like Victoria Beckham, both Peldon sisters, Britney Spears, and Chloe Sevigny challenging her for the title, Ling certainly had her work cut out for her. Let’s see how she sealed the deal over the last few months:

May 2007.
Bai says “What-eva” to seasonal dressing at Cannes and pairs a hot white bikini with heavy footwear and long outerwear in winter colors. Oh, what a dichotomy! And oh, how gauche!

September 2007.
Bai begins the PR campaign for her new book, Nipples, by wearing customized Band-Aids on her banged-up shins. DISGRASIAN loves the idea so much, we want to kick her in the Band-Aids.


October 2007.

Bai revisits all of the worst “alternative” trends ever to emerge from the youth generation in the last twenty years: mini tees, ironic tees, self-congratulatory tees, bare midriffs, fucked-up belly buttons, distressed denim, short-shorts, ugly belts, tights with shorts, pumps with tights with shorts, pink hair, two-toned hair, colored wigs.

…The result is only slightly worse, however, than the other great offense of that month, Rumer Willis’s “Papa Don’t Preach” appearance at a Declare Yourself event.

January 2008.
Bai rocks a black lace body stocking with a black lace bra and black lace leggings, proving, once and for all, that you can in fact be “too lace for love.”

February 2008.
Bai’s bringin’ Band-Aids back, but this time, to wish the world a Happy Chinese New Year, in English and her native language. DISGRASIAN is up in arms–Jen can’t believe she shares a homeland with this alien, and Diana is shocked at how many veins she can count in homegirl’s feet. BLEGGHHHH. No one can be forgiven for such traumatizasian.

…Which just about brings us to March, wherein Bai focused all of her Fug energy into getting the fug-fug-fuggingest championship award. And when you watch the play-by-play, it’s really no wonder that Bai took home Go Fug Yourself’s coveted grand prize. She had it in the bag the whole time.

Hey, everybody’s gotta win something.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Grand Theft Asian

February 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between Jen and Diana at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier this afternoon:

DIANA: Wassssuuppp!!!

JEN: What’s up, lady?

DIANA: I’m tired.

JEN: (Yawns) Me too. Ugh.

DIANA: Oh dude, did you see that Bai Ling got caught shoplifting at the airport yesterday?

JEN: Shut up. Which one? LAX?

DIANA: Yep.

JEN: Oh my god! What did she take? Some duty-free Bulgari bags? Can I have one?

DIANA: Hmm. Actually, I believe it was two gossip magazines and a pack of batteries.

JEN: What are you talking about!?!?

DIANA: That’s what it says at UPI.com. It looks like it’s on TMZ too.

JEN: Okay, first of all, who steals from a fucking airport store? Second of all, who doesn’t pay for batteries?

DIANA: Maybe she doesn’t have any money.

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: Hmm.

JEN: Watch this. (Calls to the front office, where intern Nicolai is on Facebook) Nicolai!!!

DIANA: (chimes in) Nicolai!! Come here!

NICHOLAS: (walks into the room, bitchily) My name is Nick. How many times do I have to tell you bitches that my name is Nick? And what do you want?

JEN: Do you have any money?

NICHOLAS: In my bank account or in my pocket?

DIANA: Either.

NICHOLAS: No, I’m your free, unpaid intern. I do your bidding for the love, not the wages.

JEN: Okay then. Question for you: would you ever steal from an airport store?

NICHOLAS: (looks horrified) God, no! That is so gauche! (Pauses) Wait, like the duty-free shops?

DIANA: No, just the places with the candy and neck pillows and US Weekly’s and stuff.

NICHOLAS: Of course not. Is this some kind of insult? Typically I spend $20 bucks on two bottles of Fiji water, then I ask if they have The Economist, and if they don’t, I sigh and say I’ll just take In Touch.

DIANA: (gleefully) ME TOO!

JEN: And that costs you what, twenty, thirty bucks?

NICHOLAS: Hmm, without the water, maybe nine.

DIANA: And with a package of batteries, maybe sixteen.

NICHOLAS: What do I need batteries for?

JEN: Never mind that. Okay so, even you, poor, broke, you, Intern Nicolai, wouldn’t shoplift at the airport to get trashy mags and batteries to save nine or sixteen or thirty bucks.

NICHOLAS: No I would not and please go to hell.

JEN: Insubordination. We’re done here. Thank you, Nicolai!

(Nicholas walks away, confused.)

JEN: Let’s get a new intern.

DIANA: Totally. A hot one.

P.S. Wanna be our new intern? We’re hiring! Email your resume to info@disgrasian.com (you don’t even need to live in LA)!


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Thanks, Ken and Chris!

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She Drives Me Crazian

February 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Some of you have shown some curiosity as to why there’s been a noticeable absence of Britney Spears discourse on DISGRASIAN of late, especially because her goings-on are so fucking ubiquitous and it’s rare for us to ignore ubiquity. The fact of the matter is that, like many of you, we’ve been well aware for quite some time that the girl is sick. Not sick and twisted, more like really, really sick, scared, crazy, and sad.

What’s going on with her doesn’t entertain or scare us. It does, however, bum us out. We feel a lot of empathy for people that are crazian, especially because we grew up knowing that people like our parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents would do anything in the world to avoid admitting that they, or anyone they know, were nuts (trust us, they were). Why? Because being out of control was scary.

Crazytown is a lonely place, and if you’re headed there, most people don’t want to take the trip with you–unless your name is Britney Spears, in which case, every paparazzo/bored teenager/housewife/Pat O’Brien wants you take them to…Crazytown…so they can photograph every messy step of your messy, crazy life, until you plop down dead in front of them.

That saga isn’t funny or interesting to us. Insanity is some serious shit, dude.

I happened to be thinking about just this when I saw Bai Ling last night. We were both on the “green carpet” for the Annual Peapod Foundation Benefit in Hollywood (don’t bother looking for me; I ditched my pals in front of the photographers to avoid looking like a tired, work-clothed handler labeled as “and guest” in any WireImage photos). Here she was, the Queen of Crazian in the flesh, and for the first time ever, I could observe her from up close and personal.

She was, as expected, sporting those idiotic band-aids on her stupid shins. And after making a few rounds of crazy faces for the snappers, she lingered at the end of the carpet to see if anyone wanted to chat. For about ten minutes, nobody made a bid. I would’ve, but I couldn’t let myself. She was too giddy, too awkward, too unholy–too CRAZIAN. All I could do was snarl.

Eventually, Crazy Bai found a reporter-type that was willing to talk to her, although I made a mental note that the reporter never wrote anything down or recorded a word she said. But I’m burying the headline: BAI WASN’T CRAZY AFTER ALL. She was talking like a normal person, with a slight accent, nothing about being an alien, or nipples, or what does it mean, dick?

Imagine my shock. My horror. Bai’s wackiness is a shtick, a put-on, nothing but an ACT!

Well, I will say this. Jen and I have little to no empathy for actors.

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Happy Lunar New Year

February 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy New Year, everyone! Our East Coast Correspondentasian Greenie just sent us the awesomest celebration package of red bean cakes, tea, rice candy and FIRECRACKERS…w00t!

Since it’s the Year of the Rat, my Chinese astrological sign, my Moms also emailed to say that, according to our custom, it’s auspicious for me to shove those firecrackers up a useless person’s ass.* So I’ve picked my candidate, who pulled over yesterday just so that the one paparazzo following her could remind the world of ho she is:

*Okay, so Mom actually told me to wear red, but, like, whatever.

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Thanks, Greenie! We love love love it.

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The Apocalypse Begins Today

November 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales, which was vigorously booed at Cannes and since recut, opens today. I, like so many other people, have been jonesing for Kelly’s follow-up to Donnie Darko. I’m also curious to see what Kelly does with the greatest actors of our generation–Samoan royalty Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Mandy “Fake Fatface” Moore, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Seann “Is the extra N in my name the reason I still get work?” William Scott. You’ll catch DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Bai Ling–another noted thespian–in the trailer below, scored to the Pixies’ “Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf).” I’m hoping she keeps her tits in her dress (for once) in the movie, but then I have to remind myself that Southland Tales is, after all, a farce about the apocalypse.


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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Bai Ling’s Nipples

October 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Bai Ling, our favorite DISGRASIAN street walker, was walking down the street the other day with some sexy, scrappy new leg accoutrement.

Sure, I’ve surmised that the slippery little lady toppled over on some secondhand Vivienne Westwood platforms while drunkenly trying to flash her underthings to a passing city bus. Sure, it made me smile a little. But that’s burying the headline.

And that headline is:

BAI LING TOUTS NEW BOOK: ‘NIPPLES’


…which fills my brain with all sorts of horrible, horrible images.

Like:

and:

and:

and:

…and in the closing chapter…

Please, please somebody strip me of my ability to read.

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Being Bai Is So ’92

October 2nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Perhaps nobody’s buying photos of Bai Ling’s exposed teat or vagina this week, so she’s making a desperate different play for attention.

Bai attended US Weekly‘s B-List-All-Stars Famous-For-Nothings Hot Hollywood party last week and gushed to the magazine about Angelina Jolie, with whom she shared the screen in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

These gems include:

“I felt this energy between us, when we look at each other there’s an energy, an attraction. Her eyes transfer a sexual energy to me that makes her irresistible.”
Translasian: “I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to be in an actual film. I mean, Me a rikey touchey boobie ching chong!”

“Angelina said, ‘Next time we’ll play lovers.’”
Translasian: “Please don’t stop talking to me to interview a cast member from ‘The Hills!’”

“We could have hooked up, but it just wasn’t the right time or place. But she told me, “My heart’s open to you.’”
Translasian: “I have spoken to Angelina for longer than a minute, approximately three times.”

“She is like me. She is totally open sexually.”
Translasian: “Suckee Fuckee!”

“I’ve always thought Brad [Pitt] was the sexiest man on the planet. So now that Brad and Angelina are together, now maybe I could experience both at the same time!”
Translasian: “Suckee Fuckee Fuckee! Suckee Fuckee Fuckee! Me ruv you rong rong time!!”

While I am thrilled at how far Bai has grown sexually since July, when the poor lass didn’t even know the meaning of “dick,” I must say that this semi-believable lust confession does stink of familiarity.

I don’t see how, though. It’s not like some other zzZZZzzsexually experimentalzzZzZZzZ has-been-no-never-was DISGRASIAN has ever tried to ride Jolie’s labia coattails to fame before.

“Are you writing this down? Angie and I used to wrastle!”


Nope, never.

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When Worlds Collide: Bai Ling And Jason Wahler

August 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

JASON WAHLER: Hey, baby girl! Hi! Hi!

BAI LING: Oooooooohhh… Helloooo… Uhh… You.

JASON WAHLER: I’d recognize those tits anywhere.

BAI LING: Tits… yes. So how are you… ehrm… you?

JASON WAHLER: Dude, I’m fucking great. I mean, I’m not in jail. Ha!

BAI LING: Jail. Ha!

JASON WAHLER: Yeah. Your ass looks really good in that dress.

BAI LING: I know!

JASON WAHLER: So like, I know I a lot of people think I’m a dick…

BAI LING: What does it mean, dick?

JASON WAHLER: Ha! Good one. You’re funny, baby. You’re so funny. And hot.

BAI LING: I am really hot.

JASON WAHLER: Anyway, so I’m not really that busy these days because, y’know, I’m not really on MTV anymore.

BAI LING: What is this MTV?

JASON WAHLER: Ha ha ha ha! God, I had no idea you were so fucking hilarious. So anyway, I’m not really like what everybody says, you know. I’m done being a dumbass.

BAI LING: You’re a dumbass!

JASON WAHLER: He he he. Can I get your number again?

BAI LING: Yeah! Dick!

JASON WAHLER: You like it like that, do you?

BAI LING: Oh yeah, baby!

JASON WAHLER: Alright. [pulls out phone]

BAI LING: But for real… who are you?

JASON WAHLER: Who are you?

Try not to fall asleep during the actual TMZ video of this D-list encounter.

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