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Bai Ling stopped by The Howard Stern Show Wednesday, where she claimed to be drug and alcohol-free. “I’m naturally high,” she said, “if I want alcohol drug I can use myself.” She also went dressed as Stern, although the end result was more Slash circa Appetite for Destruction:
Even though it was three weeks before Halloween and a bit early for costumes, we’re just happy her nipples were tucked away and nowhere to be seen for a change. Well done, Bai!
I’m one of those people who suffers a particular kind of anxiety–an irrational belief that things I care about will go to shit when I’m not watching over them. Disaster will strike, accidents will happen, something will go horribly wrong. You can imagine, then, how difficult it was, in a way, to go on vacation. Never mind that I have a brilliant, hilarious, and capable writing partner in Diana. I knew that she would, as we say around DISGRASIAN HQ, “hold down the fort.” That wasn’t the issue. It was more like, How am I going to unplug? What will I do without email and wifi? How will I live without the news? When I get back, will I remember how to write?
As it turns out, a weird virus did not devour the blog, my house didn’t burn down, nobody died (well, except Tim Russert). Gasoline did go up to $4.50 a gallon, but whatever. My vacation and time away from DISGRASIAN were sorely needed; I don’t want to end up like so many bloggers I know, with no life, no friends, no real experiences, or, worse, so much stress it kills you. That said, yesterday–my first day back–was rough. It didn’t help that I felt like somebody had walloped me with a sledgehammer and then propped me up on pins (fucking jetlag). Also, you take three weeks off, and you don’t know how you feel about anything in “real life” or what the line is between funny, pointless, base, and, worst of all, emo.
So, while trying to figure out the distinction between honest and earnest, I found myself on Bai Ling’s blog. (I realize that I just worded that like someone who gets busted by the popo and says, “And suddenly, I found myself with a tranvestite hooker’s mouth around my cock.”) Anyway, I went there because, after being gone for 3 weeks, I was curious as to what homegirl had been up to. And, more importantly, why through my sporadic interaction with world news, I hadn’t gotten wind of her usual bai-tshit behavior: shoplifting double-A batteries from an airport kiosk, slipping a nipple at a charity function, or wearing, say, a pink tutu paired with a triangle top made out of something weird like…bacon strips.
I learned from her blog that the reason you haven’t heard much from Bai lately is because she’s shooting a movie in Thailand.
Wait, Bai still makes movies? I also learned while I had the transvestite hooker’s mouth around my cock that Bai is quite the prolific…blogger. In 2007, the year she started her blog (like us), she had over 1000 posts. Just like us. In June 2008, she actually posted…MORE THAN DISGRASIAN.
BAI LING IS MORE PROLIFIC THAN WE ARE?!?
Let me put it another way:
BAI LING IS BETTER AT SOMETHING THAN WE ARE?!?
Dude, that is seriously fucked. The shame, the humiliasian. When I found this out, I wondered if it was possible to drink myself to death consuming Robitussin or if that would only make me act stupid like a high school kid at her first warehouse rave. Once I settled on the latter, I decided one thing, one thing for sure, which is that I’m NEVER going on vacation again.
PINK: God, Coachella was so hot. I’m glad we got the hellz outta there.
BAI LING: It so hot!
PINK: Now that we’ve finished our Bacon burgers, let’s pose in front of the Wendy’s menu. Like an ironic hot picture. Cuz we are fucking sizzling sex bitches and fast food is for the commoners.
BAI LING: Yes! I looking hot and sexy in my tiny top! With a hot, greasy man in front of a hot, greasy fast food house!
PINK: What man?
BAI LING: You. You man.
PINK: I’m not a man. I’m a rock star.
BAI LING: Rock?
PINK: Well, I like to think of myself as kind of a pioneer of butch-top 40-punk rockish-pop.
BAI LING: I like punk rock!
PINK: But I’m a chick, you bitch. I came out when Britney was huge. I married a professional motocross dude and we made wedding loogies. The marriage wasn’t great, but the loogies rocked.
BAI LING: So, you not a man.
PINK: No, I’m Pink! I’m Punk!
BAI LING: So, you not a man.
PINK: Look at this, girl. (points to mid-section) I am one hundred percent wo-man.
BAI LING: Is that supposed to be ironic?
Bai Ling is still a working actress.
Then the not-so-shocking news:
Bai Ling was recently cast in the Crank sequel (starring Jason Statham) as…drumroll…a working girl. Her character teams up with Statham in order to “hunt down the Chinese mobster who has stolen his heart, literally.”
And now’s the time when I put myself down for a mid-afternoon nap.
When DISGRASIANtern Jasmine sent us this hot, new denim look from Japanese company Sanna’s Brazil
…I thought to myself: Eww. Yuck. And, if some dude ever bought these for me, like, for Valentine’s Day or some other occasion when men feel it’s their prerogative to buy women “sexy clothes,” I would punch him in the balls.
Oh, and also, who in their right mind would actually wear these?
And then it occurred to me.
Bai “Yes to Sticky Fingers, No to Sticky Double-Sided Tape to Hold My Teats In” Ling plead guilty yesterday to disturbing the peace in her Valentine’s Day shoplifting episode.
Seeing Bai Ling’s mugshot, which was taken after she tried to shoplift two magazines and two packs of batteries yesterday at LAX (read Diana’s post about it here), made me feel kinda sorry for the girl.
What?!? Did I just say that I felt sorry for Bai Ling?
So then I wandered over to Bai Ling’s blog, which Diana turned me on to yesterday.
What?!? Did I just write that Bai Ling has a blog?
Her musings remind me of t-shirts my Taiwanese relatives used to send me as a kid:
At the Grammy now just to share with you
Iook at this painting in the restaurant, high up on the wall, crazy people And crazy life, just to share with you, what do You think?
again flying to the cold snow,.but looking forward to the work and wild nature, my heart is a little sad now, casted by the melody of life……
That is to say, they don’t make no damn sense.
Then there are her fans, who leave all kinds of purple prose-comments for Bai:
Once I got past the 1st grade grammar, I thought about this one. And I came to this conclusion: You’re damn straight, muthafucka. That’s why we’re taking over the world while you’re busy jacking off onto your keyboard.
What?!? Did I just agree with a cheesedick?
On days like this…
…when Bai is making a relatively normal face, has her 45-year old body looking bangin’, lets her hair stay neatly placed, and only allows an astronomically hideous dress ruin the frame–should I be grateful?
I mean, yeah.
Insanity Barometer… plateaued!
In this video, does Bai say “panther” and “leopard” dance, or “cancer” and “leper” dance?
…Because we think she’s both. A leper and cancer, that is.
After all of the legit Fashism Weeks have come and gone, it’s our turn here in the sartorial hinterland that is L.A to hold our own. Not to knock my adopted hometown, but in terms of producing real local talent, we’ve got a long way to go. Here are some hints of promise from the West Coast runways thus far:
But the greatest surprise to emerge from the L.A. cattywalk has been our favorite Nuddhist Bai Ling…clothed!…who walked for the unparalleled Yves Castaldi (actually, never heard of him). Somebody hook this girl up with Miss J from America’s Next Top Model to teach her lumbering self how to work.
My theory? Covering up her teats makes her sad.
Happy Birthday to Bai Ling, who turned 37 yesterday! We realize we’re a day late and a dollar short with the b-day wishes, but that kinda sums up our feelings for Buh-Bai, don’tcha think? Besides, no one really knows when the Nipple Slipple Queen “popped out” of her mother’s “dress,” so we won’t sweat the nipples. Oops. I meant, the details.
We’d been wondering where the hay our dear friend Bai Ling has been hiding out lately. Apparently, she is really, actually, genuinely, honestly, and totally, not shitting you…making a movie. Here’s a snap of Buh-Bai from the set of The Gauntlet: