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Four years on the musical slave plantasian has apparently not been kind to Gwen Stefani’s vocal cords.
The new No Doubt leaked release (a cover of Adam Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”) is shit. Absolute shit. I’ve tried to get through a complete listen–using a survival tactic often purposed for bad sex–by focusing on the image of Tony Kanal’s oh-so-pretty face and trying not to listen too hard to the slinkys that have apparently lodged themselves in Stefani’s larynx, but it’s not working at all. Is this No Doubt comeback reunion really going to work? Does the chick with the microphone even have the ability to make music without Japanese backup anymore?
It’s gonna take awhile to answer those questions. Somebody get me an Excedrin Migraine and a vibrator, stat.
Jen can sing really, really beautifully. I can’t. Her voice is like velvet and she reminds me of Patsy Cline. Mine sounds like gravel and I remind myself of buttwipes.
But just you wait. I’m hopping on a plane to Beijing. I’m going to beg music teacher Li Wenxing to take me on as a student. I’ll take out his trash, wash his dishes, use a humidifier, practice my octaves. I’ll do whatever it takes to sing like him.
And then, I will ask Jen to karaoke with me.
It’ll be a beautiful day. Just beautiful.
Thanks for the tip, Thomas!
Jen will attest to the fact that I do not tolerate those without charisma well. I’m unusally harsh on bad party guests, drippy dinner attendees, fidgety young girls, and guys who have nothing to say about nothing. Charisma isn’t something you’re born with–it’s something you develop. Therefore, I believe that exhibiting or not exhibiting said charisma is indeed a choice. A lack of charisma, therefore, reflects a complete neglect for what other people are supposed to glean from your presence. And if you don’t choose to even be interesting to perceive, you totally suck in my book. Okay, you’re worthless.
Anyway, back to Mercury, a man who, by all standards, was once the living embodiment of charisma. Freddie Mercury was the opposite of worthless, ya hear? He might have blown a few rails off of some backstage drips back in the good ol’ days, but he certainly didn’t respect to those people, or talk and cuddle with them. He definitely wouldn’t have written “You’re My Best Friend” about them.
My friends, I must declare here that Freddie Mercury is sacred in my book. You can sing along with him. You can love him. You can impersonate him, but only by really digging deep to find your serious, true, inner Mercury.
I’m talking to this Japanese tool, who knocks off a few laughs by taking on late-life Mercury’s persona:
…who, will have his real chest hair ripped out of him, should he be so unlucky as to ever bump into me on the streets of Tokyo.
Groups that were hurt by the making of this video:
- More specifically, Koreans
- More specifically, Korean dudes
- Singing Gaysians
- Recording Studio Engineers/Techs/Producers
- Pop Stars
- Casey Kasem
- Mariah Carey (bringing more shame to this diva is hard to do)
- Those with Rhythm
- Those without Rhythm
- Korean Superpopstar Rain
- Paris Hilton’s New BFF, ONCH
- Jen and Diana
The first time I watched this video–a performance of Sixpence None the Richer’s mind-numbing late-90s hit “Kiss Me” by aspiring actress Alyssa Alano in front of a crowd of hundreds–cruelly subtitled to highlight her English inadequacies, I was pissed. The woman is in the Phillippines! The woman has an accent! She’s giving an English song a pretty decent run for its money!
Then I realized that the woman’s name is “Alyssa Alano” and that she’s never been on a sitcom with Tony Danza. And that she’s part of an actress collective called Hotbabes. And that she’s singing a song by Sixpence None the Richer (whose smug, plucky name still makes me want to poke something in the eyeballs with a screwdriver). And that she kinda sucks.
And now I just don’t know how to feel.