DISGRASIAN™

Let’s Go To The Congo, Kiddies!!!

For a limited time only, we can go to the Congo for $799.99!

Our “Congo Excursion 2011″ features an “8′ Wave Slide, Rock Wall w/Rope, Trapeze Bar, Belt Swing, Glider Swing, Telescope, Binoculars & More.”

The “& More” refers to:

• 1 tic tac toe spinner panel
• 1 steering wheel
• Multi striped canopy
• Sandbox
• Mass rape
• The worst sexual violence in the world
• Malaria, diarrhea, pneumonia, and malnutrition as leading death-causers
• Anywhere from 3 to 7 million dead since 1998
• Nearly half of the dead (47%) being children

And yet, speaking of, our Congo Excursion 2011 curiously fails to feature any black children:

Continue reading Let’s Go To The Congo, Kiddies!!!

Filed under: Africa, Bad ideas, Bad Marketing Ideas, Children, Children's Games, Children's Toys, Congo Excursion 2011 Playset, Countries in Crisis, Death Tolls, Democratic Republic of the Congo, DR Congo, DRC, Genocide, Gorilla Playsets, Instability, Jungle Gyms, Mass Rape, Rebel Groups, Refugees, Sexual Violence, The Congo, Who Approved This Shit?, WTF?

The First And Last Time I Went As A “Sexy (Something)” For Halloween

I had just moved to a new town and was still in the process of making friends.

My cat, Jimmy, had run away in the move.

I was living in a shitty neighborhood where people were always coming and going so no one bothered to keep their grass green or their house paint from peeling.

I was into this guy, Chris, who was so not into me.

I was feeling vulnerable and alone.

And, yes, I was desperate for attention.

Continue reading The First And Last Time I Went As A “Sexy (Something)” For Halloween

Filed under: Bad ideas, Cosplay, Desperate For Attention, Fetishes, French Maids, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Hardass Asian Parents, Have You Checked the Children?, Holidays, Pedobait, Sexy Halloween Costumes, Sexy Halloween Costumes Are For Stupid Chicks, Trick Or Treat, Tricksters

How Quiet Is Rielle Hunter?

I remember hearing about Rielle Hunter’s pregnancy through the drunken, gossipy grapevine of politicos on Super Tuesday of 2008. Pollsters and pundits were huddled down in drab enclaves at Manchester, NH drinking holes to avoid the bitter cold. Dennis Kucinich had just finished some pub beef something-or-other in the booth next to me. Right then, a fiery HuffPo blogger slid into the seat across from mine, and spilled: “John Edwards knocked some woman up. She’s having the baby and they have a cover-up story. No one in the press is saying anything because of Elizabeth’s cancer, but we all know.” He swooped back out.

There had been some tabloid speculation about Hunter before this, but few Americans knew or investigated. After hearing about the lovechild, I naturally watched with fascination as the saga eventually panned out. On February 27, Hunter had the baby. In July, the National Enquirer broke a story about Edwards visiting his new daughter at the Beverly Hilton (see above photo). After many public denials, Edwards finally admitted to paternity of Hunter’s child in August 2008. Since then, almost everyone involved has said their piece, and it only gets more interesting.

Very little, however, was said by Hunter while this was all going down, which is why Newsweek recently penned a story praising the “quiet dignity” of the mistress of a terminally ill woman’s politician husband.

GQ nabbed her first official words on the matter, a transcribed Q&A that weighs in at nearly 10,000 words (that’s what happens when you hold it in for so long!). Within the interview, she candidly addresses the flaws in others’ accounts, professes her love for Edwards, and talks timeline. In an effort to save you time reading, I’ve boiled her tale down to the important stuff:

1. Hunter calls Edwards “Johnny,” which is apparently the name on his birth certificate.

2. Hunter firmly believes that Mr. Pantsonfire never lies to her.

3. Elizabeth Edwards is scary as shit. She’ll chop your motherfucking dick off.

Continue reading How Quiet Is Rielle Hunter?

Filed under: Andrew Young, Bad ideas, Creepy Photos, Elizabeth Edwards, Eww, GQ, HuffPo, John Edwards, Lovechild, MILF? ICK!, Mistresses, Oy, People With No Shame, Politicians, Rielle Hunter, Scandal, Shameful Pictures, Shameless Photo Ops, Speaking Up, Super Tuesday, Terminal Illness

Twilight “Manllows,” Just Right For Humping Sleeping

This morning, I discovered via io9 and DListed that Etsy is currently sold out of Twilight-themed “manllows”–body pillows made to look like supernatural teens Edward Cullen and Jacob Black from the waist up.

Teen dream threesome

Seriously, what the hell is this? I want one so bad. I am shocked that Etsy sold out of these already–who would waste their hard-earned cash on something so silly? Want to talk about silly?? I want to hump the Edward Cullen pillow silly. These manllows are so LAME! Just hump and hump and hump and hump. Please say the manllows are machine washable. Kids today, they just blow their money on useless shit. Maybe I will make my Continue reading Twilight “Manllows,” Just Right For Humping Sleeping

Filed under: Bad ideas, Edward Cullen, Etsy, Great Ideas, Humping of All Kinds, Jacob Black, Man Pillows, Manllows, People Pillows, Pillowfucking, Robert Pattinson Makes Us Sweat, Secret Fangirl Crushes, Taylor Lautner, Teen Porn, Twilight, Twilight the Movie, Vampire Fetishes, Weird American Behavior

No Pants No Pants Revolution??

SIGH.

Are they a leg up?

[Improv Everywhere: No Pants 2010 NYC Reports]

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Filed under: Bad ideas, Epidemics, Improv Everywhere, Legs We Shouldn't See, New York, No Pants, NYC, Pants, Ugh, VLOG, Yuck

Conveyor Belt Of Love May Be The Greatest Awful Show Of All Time

Network television’s worst inside joke-turned-joke-turned-running joke-turned-joke pitch-turned pitch treatment-turned-idea going up the chain-turned-pilot order-turned-IDIOTIC DRIVEL THAT SOMEHOW SAW NETWORK AIRTIME ON ABC AND RESULTED IN A SERIES ORDER aired this week, and I missed it. Oh, darn.

Here’s the concept: Five single ladies choose from thirty single guys in a conveyor belt white elephant party. That is all you need to know.

Fortunately for me, my reality crap aficionado pals at Homo Shame alerted me as soon as they read about it, and I found the entire episode on Hulu.

That’s right, I watched it. And so can you:

Keep your eyes on Keiko during this episode. She’s bratty, opinionated, languid, not terribly bright and too pretty for her own good–also the first to proclaim disinterest in the “Filipino Criss Angel” on the belt, which may make you mad until you realize he sucks.

Keiko is a player-lover who chooses a hard body over intellect, disses the hot engineer with the 5 o’clock shadow in favor of an oily Speedo-wearer with a chihuahua, loves screwing, and in general gives this show the credit and seriousness it deserves–next to none. All in all, she’s the best part of the show (“Show” being an incredibly generous term, by the way).

Continue reading Conveyor Belt Of Love May Be The Greatest Awful Show Of All Time

Filed under: Bad ideas, Brats, Conveyor Belt Of Love, Cultural Lows, Filipino Criss Angel, Godawful Television Shows, Hard Bodies, Keiko, Reality TV, Single Dudes, Single Ladies, Stupid TV Ideas

Ungodly Face Alterasian

Body Dysmorphic Syndrome and Plastic Surgery Addiction are no fucking joke.

And I’m not just saying that to YOU, Hollywood:

EEK!

It’s no wonder ordinary civilians are also falling prey to this insanity. I hate to see anybody go down like that–with those insanely puffed lips, painfully swollen cheeks, slanty-taut eyes (not that there’s anything wrong with slanty eyes, which I personally love), scary eyebrows, emotionless foreheads. What a freakishly sad way to conduct one’s life, old or young. Bummer.

And let’s just multiply that bummer by about a million when we think about a beautiful young girl, who, at 28, started in on the alterasians:

…and over two decades, became so desperate to keep mangling herself that she eventually began injecting herself with doctor-provided silicone.

And when she ran out of silicone, she just started using cooking oil.

And now, she looks like this:

ACK.

Which is sad and… scary.

World, we have a problem.

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Filed under: Ack, Bad ideas, Body Dysmorphic Syndrome, Cooking Oil, Egh, Heinous Faces, Hollywood Epidemics, Ick, Plastic Surgery, Sad, Scary Faces, Weird Korean Behavior

Separasian Anxiety

Jen just introduced me to the evolving drama surrounding South Korean women currently rocking the L.P.G.A. circuit: It began when Tour Commissioner Carolyn Bivens proposed that foreign-born players with two years completed on the Tour show a proficiency in English or face suspension (apparently for schmoozing purposes). The mandate proposal didn’t last long, but the emphasize on learning English is still strongly emphasized.

It appears that Biven also wants to liberate those women whose fathers (most of whom quit their jobs in South Korea to help their children) accompany them throughout the competition:

In a recent interview, [Bivens] said her goal was to help assimilate the South Korean players into a culture starkly different from their own and to emancipate them from what she characterized as overbearing fathers. Forcing the players to learn English and threatening their livelihoods was the best way she saw to accomplish that.

Hrmm. Learning English, sure, that’s definitely something these athletes can manage, no sweat.

But, uh, separating Asian girls from their overbearing Hardass Asian Dads?

Yeah. Good luck with that.

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Filed under: Assimilasian, Bad ideas, Carolyn Bivens, Emancipasian, Hardass Asian Parents, Immigrants, Lofty Goals, Mandates, The LPGA Tour, Things That Will Never Ever Ever Happen, This is Bullshit

Don’t Need No Nader-ation

Oh, Ralph Nader. It has to be said–when it takes a Fox News anchor to call you out on a racial slur, you’ve really hit rock bottom.

Time, we think, to call it.

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Filed under: Bad ideas, Fox News, Give Me a Freakin' Break, News Anchors, Racial Slurs, Ralph Nader Is a Douche, Shepard Smith, Uh...WHAT?, Uncle Sam, Uncle Tom, We Cry "Uncle"

Let’s All Take a Deep Breath

A Halloween effigy of Sarah Palin, hanged, in West Hollywood

Guys, I loathe Sarah Palin. She is really goddamn stupid, and–like my Hardass Asian Parents–I simply can’t stand stupid people. She’s got a voice about as appealing as the sound of an electric juicer. She let victims pay for their own rape kits. I do believe she’s sought the banning of books. She doesn’t support gay marriage. She loves to kill animals. She invokes both God and violence at rallies. She winks–she winks at the American people during the most important debate of her career.

Yes. YES. Sarah Palin sucks. She sucks. She is a dumb, snarky, manipulative cunt and she sucks. She’s a fucking cancer and she sucks.

I would never vote for her.

I would never (hopefully) have a beer with her.

But I wouldn’t symbolize her hanging, either. This election has been vitriolic enough–let’s not start inviting depictions of any kind of lynching, now that we’re at the eleventh hour. We’re ALL above that.

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Filed under: Bad ideas, Effigy, God, It's Gone Too Far, Let's Not Stoop To THeir Level, Lynchings, Over the Line, Sarah Palin, Strange Fruit, The Eleventh Hour, Unfunny Stuff, Vitriol, West Hollywood

Oh No Choodi’int!

Part of the reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch MTV’s latest idiotic reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF–in which wannabe starfuckers vy for the slot as Paris’s main hanger-on–is that I can’t bear the thought of anybody, however tarderriffic they may be anyway, groveling at the feet of Paris Hilton.

Worse, I hate the thought of an Asian (especially a gaysian!) on his knees in front of that walking syphilis host!

Paris’s BFF Hopeful ONCH, rocking prayer hands the way they were never meant to be rocked

Ugh. Can somebody please explain to this fool that the golden people kneel for nobody? NOBODY.

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Filed under: Bad ideas, Celebutards, Disgaysian Behavior, Groveling, Kneeling, MTV, ONCH, Paris Hilton Should Expire, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Pathetic Showings, Prayer Hands, Reality TV

Parental Emulasian

Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.

But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.

But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”

Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.

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Filed under: Adoption, Adoption is the New Black, Angelina Jolie, Bad ideas, Bad Influences, Bad Parenting, Celebutards, Eek, Lindsay Lohan, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Orphans, Pax Thien, Zahara Jolie-Pitt