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Ladies and gentlemen, a lesson in, um, Physics.
Nicole Scherzinger just laid down a track on Slash’s new album, Slash and Friends.
And we just deleted him from our Facebook friends.
It’s called friendship balance, people! Balance. Hey, we’re just trying to keep the world intact. We can’t argue with science, for crying out loud.
Lord knows I am not a big fan of Cheryl Burke or her show (I’ll admit, I can barely bring myself to talk about the mega-hitness of Dancing With the Stars, much less watch the program), but amidst all of this season’s complaints about her weight by blogs, internet losers with nothing better to talk about, and tabloids, I think she has handled herself pretty well. In a similar position, I don’t think I would have given all of the haters the satisfaction of a widely publicized response in People Magazine–I don’t think we owe morons a response; then again, I’m not a celebrity/sublebrity/paparazzi whore/public figure/cast member of a mega-hit TV show of any kind. I’m just a nerd with a laptop. The kind of nerd that crumbles up and cries in the corner when their 83-lb., 4′ 11″ grandma rushes up and grabs their arm, only to say, “You are looking fatter these days and spend too much time in the sun. Best way is to eat less and not spend time in the sun. [Motioning with arms] Too big! Too big!”
It’s one thing to take criticism from a bunch of nameless, faceless, ball-less losers out in the Interwebs, but a whole thing altogether when those piercing words blast at you from your grandma or your friends. In Cheryl’s case, it’s now coming from her male dancing peers at DWTS, Louis Van Amstel and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (again, very publicly–can’t these people have one conversation in a dressing room, for chrissake?). Chmerkovskiy told TV Guide this week: “When I first saw these women this season, I said, ‘Guys, you know the camera adds 10 pounds… You have to do something about this.’”
Van Amstel was quick to add: ““If you want to gain weight, it’s your prerogative… We all put on weight because there was no summer tour. But you have to deal with the consequences.”
Ah, spoken like true
douchebags men who have never had birthing hips or PMS hunger. Sure, it’s not the most sympathetic take, but at least it’s honest (I guess? I’m still baffled at how some news group employee is collecting a paycheck for fact-checking stories like this. Isn’t there lots of genocide and a U.S. Presidential election and a war going on and stuff?).
Here’s the thing, though. When Van Amstel justifies the criticism by saying:
“(People) look at this show to be inspired and think, ‘If I just work hard enough, I can look like that,” Louis Van Amstel, who in “DWTS” season 6 was paired with Priscilla Presley, told the new issue of TV Guide. “If they watch someone who’s dancing her butt off and she’s still heavy, they can be discouraged. You have to take that responsibility.”
…I’ve gotta pipe up. Okay, sure, some people watch DWTS to be inspired. But I would argue that more of them watch to see big ol’ football bears proving miraculously light on their toes, villains like Heather Mills falling on their asses, and useless people like Kim Kardashian being unceremoniously dumped on by the judges. They watch because they don’t want to click to the news on the next channel and find out that they can’t retire next year because their 401k is worth about as much as a pile of warm shit. They, like me, would rather do anything than finish compiling their stack of overdue expense reports. They can’t help but like Cloris Leachman. They like glittery costumes and fast footwork. They like the stunning rack that Brooke Burke’s plastic surgeon ex handily crafted for her. Lots, lots, lots of reasons.
Perhaps they’re looking to DWTS for inspiration, but y’know what? There are other places to find it. If Cheryl’s slight tummy pooch is enough to discourage them from keeping their ass in gear, we’ve got much bigger problems.