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Hollywood actresses! Past, present, and never:
at Wednesday’s Alberta Ferreti store opening
LUCY: Wait–dammit. They’re taking a picture? Everyone will think I know you people.
NICOLE: You know us. Remember that one night we stayed up doing tequila shots, talking shit about Rachel Zoe?
MARISA: I know Rachel Zoe.
LUCY: No you don’t.
MARISA: Yes I do! I think I met her right after I won [dips head and deepens voice in seriousness] my Oscar.
NICOLE: Wow! You won an Oscar? Wow. That’s really hot. I didn’t know that.
MARISA: Everybody knows that. Didn’t you see My Cousin Vinny?
NICOLE: That’s the movie with the bad guy from Home Alone, right? I think I saw that on TBS the other day.
MARISA: Ahem. I won the Academy Award for my role as [pauses] Mona Lisa Vito. For [raises eyebrows] Best Supporting Actress.
LUCY: [rolls eyes] Uh huh.
NICOLE: Rad. When was that, or whatever?
MARISA: Feels like yesterday. Maybe it was 2000 or 2001.
LUCY: [snorts] It was 1992.
MARISA: [snaps] In 1992, you were still doing bit parts on TV dramas.
LUCY: At least people don’t speculate as to whether or not my getting those bit parts was an accident, you old hag.
MARISA: (miffed) I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.
NICOLE: Who did you wear?
MARISA: [to Lucy] You’re a real bitch, you know that?
LUCY: Yes. That’s why I play one so often in movies and TV shows.
NICOLE: God, I need to get back on TV again. I hate being at home and remembering that I procreated with a Madden twin. I hate all this baby holding bullshit. I hate having tits.
LUCY: Love those bubs while you can, Nic–they’re going to be all deflated and saggy when you get to be like ol’ grandma over here.
MARISA: I AM NOT A GRANDMA!
LUCY: Really? Then why are you borrowing my grandma’s look?
NICOLE: Oh, shit!
MARISA: I’ll kill you!
LUCY: Don’t even start. I’ll cut you.
NICOLE: Wow. Are you guys, like, acting?
LUCY: Somebody take this goddamn picture before I cut somebody else.
Many of the world’s citizens are horrified at the achingly slow trickle of emergency aid being halted on its way to the hundreds of thousands of people left devastated in post-Cyclone Myanmar–a situation complicated by political roadblocks and lack of movement by local government. As helpless as many of us feel, it seems everybody is jumping at the chance to do something to help. The First Lady even felt compelled to speak out this week, criticizing the Burmese government for not properly warning the citizens of the oncoming disaster.*
Other public figures have stepped up to the plate to speak out and try to improve this dire situation, including influential and educated people like actors and reality TV stars.
For example: Kim Kardashian–noted academe and do-gooder–posted an informative piece on her blog yesterday:
The post originally included the PSA Kim and her two sisters (the big one and the midget) filmed pre-Cyclone for Fanista.com’s “Burma: It can’t Wait” campaign. She took the video down at 3pm today, saying that the piece was not yet cleared for distribution. Fortunately, somebody smarter than the Kardashians knew to pull the clip for YouTube:
All I can say is: WOW!
Now this is why it is so very important for celebutards to do their part when the world is in crisis!!
Thank Heaven for the Kardashians, despite their inability to pronounce words off of cue cards, despite their inability to seem any more engaged with existence than corpses on Lithium, despite their ability to really comprehend the vastness of Burma’s “political plight,” despite their rotund asses and pea brains! Thank Heaven for them!
*we do not have an official quote, but we have heard her paraphrased** as saying, “My husband Georgie told me just the other day: ‘Them there’s people aren’t black or nothin’, so we should care about their well bein’! We should tell ‘em when a storm’s a-comin’!'”
**paraphrase excerpt submitted by Diana Disgrasian
Filed under: Bad Actors, Celebutards, Cyclones, Disasters, Emergency Action, Fame is Useless, Laura Bush, Myanmar, PSAs, Really Dumb People, The Kardashians, This Is The Best We've Got?, When Good Deeds Go Bad
I love a new Godzilla adventure as much as anybody, even if the auteur doesn’t own a complete costume.
But there’s really no need to make fluffy cats the victims of hate crimes. That shit is ugly.
Sushi virtuoso/my hero Nobu Matsuhisa has apparently banned this repulsive, self-aggrandized, too-old-to-be-working-the-”Young Hollywood”-party-scene, pouty-eyed acting slug Jeremy Piven from all of his fine dining establishments…
…for leaving Season One of Entourage on DVD as his tip for a 12-asshole party at Nobu in Aspen, Co.
The server apparently threw the DVD at Piven’s head.
I know I don’t have to say this, but there are really two Amazians in this situation.