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Oh gosh!!! Happy happy happy 61st birthday, Bill O’Reilly!!!
Just kidding, you old fuck. You’re awful. Awful. AWFUL.
Instead, we’d like to celebrate the birth of another older gent, who’s only offended us once or twice: Senator Daniel Inouye, happy 86th birthday (two days ago)! May you you remain cuddly and tan. Let’s talk politics next week.
Filed under: Asshats, Awful People, Bill O'Reilly, Bill O'Reilly is Satan, Birthdays, Daniel Inouye, Dickbags, Fuckfaces, Hawaiians, Old Guys, Politasians, Sen. Dan Inouye, We're Nice On Your Birthday
This week, Newkirk sent Stone (and her agent at ICM) a letter containing a truly thoughtful offer. Allow us to provide an excerpt:
I am writing with an offer that could provide an opportunity for you to escape all future public condemnation when you show insensitivity to the suffering of others.
Given that millions of people – including children – were killed, injured, and left homeless by the recent earthquake in China, everyone was shocked to hear you dismiss the devastating effects of this disaster. However, your cavalier attitude did not come as a surprise to us. We are used to the indifference that you flaunt and the callous remarks that you make about the suffering and death of the animals whose fur you wear so often.
Scientific studies suggest that the prefrontal regions of the brains of people who lack empathy might be underdeveloped. Here’s our offer: Would you allow PETA to pay for a scan of the prefrontal region of your brain to determine if comments and actions that seem to demonstrate a lack of empathy are the result of a physical defect?
Ms. Newkirk, we’ve consulted ourselves and our dads (doctors of science and medicine) and we all think you may be on to something. We believe so wholeheartedly in this cause, that we’d like to offer to pay half of whatever the cost of Stony McStonerson’s brain scan.*
We can’t think of a cause more worthy. Finally! Answers!
*this offer subject change in light of DISGRASIAN bank account standings. We will probably charge this on our maxed-out AmEx and then call the creditors citing fraud. But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?