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receiving a Certificate of Honor from the China Association of
Social Workers. She received the award for fundraising for poor
families and disabled children in China during her “Best Damn Tour.”
BOY: What’s this lady’s name again? April?
GIRL: I don’t know.
AVRIL: Avril. Avril Lavigne. I’m a punk rocker.
BOY: What’s a punk rocker?
GIRL: Somebody with a clothing line at Kohl’s.
AVRIL: It’s a punk rock clothing line.
BOY: If it’s punk rock, should it really be a retail line for a corporate brand?
GIRL: I don’t know.
AVRIL: Hey (hey!)! You (you!)!
BOY: What is she doing?
GIRL: God, I think she’s singing again. I hate when she does that.
BOY: I think she got some eyeliner on my cheek just now.
GIRL: Gee, I hope it wasn’t…kohl…eyeliner. [they laugh uncomfortably]
BOY: Why are we here again?
GIRL: Because the government said they would take our parents away if we didn’t?
GIRL: No. Our names just got chosen out of a hat.
AVRIL: Come a little closer, my little friends! Did you know that I speak Mandarin?
BOY: I have heard that, but I don’t think that’s Mandarin.
AVRIL: It is.
BOY: Okay. Whatever.
GIRL: Are they gonna take our picture or what?
BOY: I hope so. This chick’s face looks like it’s about to melt off.
AVRIL: No it doesn’t! I can hear you, you know.
BOY: Dude, it really does.
GIRL: You could use a facial. Maybe you could get one here.
AVRIL: Waitaminute you guys. This is not about me. This is about me raising money for poor people in China.
BOY: Okay. Thank you.
GIRL: Thank you. From China.
AVRIL: Great. Let’s take the picture! Smile?
GIRL: No, but thanks.
Avril Lavigne debuted her new fashion label, Abbey Dawn, in Tokyo this weekend,
ripping off paying homage to every major rock and pop icon of the late 20th century. Everything from punk to pop and glam to grunge was sent down the runway in the singer’s first juniors’ collection for Kohl’s.
There was a nod to Sid Vicious:
Hmm. Did I say that she paid homage to “every major rock and pop icon of the late 20th century”? I guess what I meant was that Avril gave big-ups to “…many major rock and pop icons of the late 20th century, and one marginally-talented, tie-wearing random.”
In what has become a grand tradition of trying to make immodest musical performers (like Gwen and Beyonce) bow down in fully-clothed, booty-not-shakin’ fashion, the Islamic opposition party of Malaysia has turned its efforts towards banning an Avril Lavigne performance set for August 29 in Kuala Lumpur.
“‘It is considered too sexy for us. … It’s not good for viewers in Malaysia,’ party official Kamarulzaman Mohamed said. ‘We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.’ Kamarulzaman sent protest letters to the Culture, Arts and Heritage Ministry and Kuala Lumpur’s mayor last week, calling for the concert to be canceled.”
We’ve banned Ms. Lavigne–from, well, our lives, basically–for a number of reasons:
1) Her Mandarin sucks
2) Too short
3) Diana hates poseurs more than hippies (which is saying something)
4) Homegirl is probably a plagiarist
5) “Skater” is not spelled, “sk8ter” in our book, which is the only book we care about
6) She’s really, super, creepily short
7) Stupid eyeliner
8) Dear God is she little
Anyway, NONE OF THESE ITEMS involve her being too sexy.
We just. Don’t. See it. We just don’t.
Filed under: Avril Lavigne, Avril Lavigne Malaysia, Beyonce Knowles, Gwen Stefani, Huh?, Midgets, Muslasians Hate Avril, She's Too Sexy For Her Kohl Eyeliner and Clothing Line?, Weird Malaysian Behavior
AVRIL: So yeah. This is great, Yu.
YUI: My name is Yui.
YUI: Shut up.
AVRIL: Uh… hrmm.
AVRIL: Hey, like, listen. I’m sure it’s cool for you to like, do stuff like this and like, meet big celebrities like me and stuff.
YUI: Uh, I am a big celebrity.
AVRIL: No I mean, totally. I meant like rock stars and stuff, like me.
YUI: You make sugary pop music. I am a rock star.
AVRIL: Dude, no! I am totally punk.
YUI: [rolls eyes]
AVRIL: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m totally down with your people. I have this really big hit song that goes like, “Hey (Hey!) You (You!) blahblahblahblahdada” –and I even sang it in Chinese.
YUI: I’m Japanese.
AVRIL: Oh, well I meant–
YUI: Also, it’s Mandarin, not Chinese. And I heard the song, that shit that came out of your mouth sure as hell didn’t sound like Mandarin.
AVRIL: What’s your point?
YUI: Just take the picture.
I’ve thought of shaming Canadian pop princess Avril Lavigne for a number of reasons, though I admit to loving her just a wee bit–she’s tiny, she’s purty, and I’ll be damned if her songs ain’t just as catchy as a venereal disease.
Never mind that I blame her as the figurehead for the proliferation of the Hot Topic generation–a loathsome bunch guilty of homogenizing punk attire and invalidating the epic cool of studded belts to such a degree that they will likely never recover. Never mind that she’s been accused of plagiarism multiple times, most recently by 1970s band The Rubinoos, who are currently suing over some pretty noticeable song theft in her mega-hit “Girlfriend.”
No, the real shame comes from the Mandarin “version” of the aforementioned mega-hit, which has been circulating the Net for some time now…
…which basically substitutes disconcertingly chipmunk-like Mandarin phrases for bits of the chorus.
Why not rock the whole song in Mandarin? Maybe her translator dropped the ball?
Avril might just be the first person in history unable to find good, cheap, Chinese labor.