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When Worlds Collide: Ono And Gaga

October 5th, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Lady Gaga Joins Yoko Ono and We Are Plastic Ono Band at LA's Orpheum Theatre, Oct. 2

YOKO ONO: And today, ladies and gentlemen, a very special guest. We recently made acquaint–

LADY GAGA: LADY GAGA IS HERE!

YOKO ONO: Yes, a remarkable young woman with a very, ah, artistic–

LADY GAGA: ARE YOU LISTENING TO US, LA???

YOKO ONO: I am so very pleased to meet her, the work this performer has done to make a statement about real issues, like–

LADY GAGA: ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!?!?!

[Awkward pause]

YOKO ONO: We are going to take a short break I think.

LADY GAGA: We are?

YOKO ONO: Step to the side of the stage.

[Awkward pause]

Continue reading When Worlds Collide: Ono And Gaga

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Did Somebody Say ‘Dog Eating Contest’?!

July 6th, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

A few months ago, Twitter changed the algorithm behind its Trending Topics feature to reflect what’s “immediately popular” rather than what’s generally popular or most discussed, in order to bring the Twitterverse “the ‘most breaking’ news.”

Or it was all just an elaborate ruse to fuck with Justin Bieber fans, according to, um, Justin Bieber fans.

Regardless of who you Belieb, the folks at Twitter admit that the algorithm is a “work in progress,” which may explain why “Dog Eating Contest” was trending on the 4th of July:

Either people were tweeting about Nathan’s annual Hot Dog Eating Contest or Asians Continue reading Did Somebody Say ‘Dog Eating Contest’?!

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Multimedia Juxtaposasian: Tila And Reba [NSFW-ish]

March 30th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

Continue reading Multimedia Juxtaposasian: Tila And Reba [NSFW-ish]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Balloon Boy Family

October 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Lessons learned from yesterday’s Balloon Boy incident…


1) It only took one person to start the rumor–and the ensuing media frenzy we all used as an excuse to blow off work Thursday–that 6 year-old Falcon Heene was up in that shiny, oversized-birthday balloon. And that person was Falcon’s older brother, 9 year-old Bradford.

LESSON LEARNED: We should never believe anything that comes out of children’s mouths.

2) When the Heene family was later interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live, little Falcon dropped a bombshell that suggested the day’s events had been nothing but a carefully-planned hoax: “We did this for the show.”



LESSON LEARNED: We should believe everything that comes out of children’s mouths.

3) On Friday morning, when the Heene family was gently pressed by a kindly Meredith Vieira on The Today Show about Falcon’s bombshell statement, the 6 year-old vomited not once, but twice (around the 6:28 mark).

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

LESSON LEARNED: Vomiting on cue, unlike crying on cue, is a majorly underrated talent.

4)
LESSON LEARNED: Richard Heene is not as talented an actor as his puking-on-cue son, Falcon.

5) Our favorite blog patroness, Arianna Huffington, went on MSNBC’s The Ed Show Thursday afternoon to talk about this little thing called Afghanistan, but the interview was subsequently hijacked by the subject of Falcon Heene, who had, at that point, been found very much alive.

When Arianna, who later deemed Balloon Boy a “non-story,” asked host Ed Schultz, “Now that the little boy has been found, why are we still talking about it?” Schultz responded, somewhat scoldingly, that Balloon Boy was “a good lesson to parents across the country to make sure you always know where your kids are.”

Uh, right.

LESSON LEARNED: On second thought, there are no lessons to be learned from Balloon Boy.

Sigh. Well, we may have learned nothing whatsoever from Balloon Boy…


…but we still think Falcon Heene would make a seriously awesome Halloween costume.

Think about it. Run with the possibilities. Nay, fly! Fly on little Falcon Heene’s clipped wings!

LESSON LEARNED: When life hands you a Balloon Boy lemon, make Balloon Boy lemonade.

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Megan Fox Wants to Get Rain-ed On

June 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

On an Australian radio show last week, Transformers 2 star Megan Fox announced that she’d like to date Korean mega-pop star Rain.

“There’s this Korean Justin Timberlake named Rain. And I’m really on this situation right now, I’m trying to fix this up,” she said.

Seeing as how Rain said last year that he loves “sexy women,” especially Megan Fox, it’s a match made in heaven, right?

Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Coincidentally, Megan made this announcement right after the Seoul premiere of the Transformers sequel (where she wore a much talked-about, partially see-through dress.) In Korea, which Transformers director Michael Bay called “a huge emerging world market” and where the movie will open a week earlier than in the States. Where, as it so happens, the first Transformers killed at the box office (as it did in all of Asia). So her aligning herself with the hugest pop star in Asia? Definitely not a marketing ploy, merely a coincidence.

Ain’t love just so random and sweet?

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Thanks, Jason!

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Octomom–Not Such a Crazy Person After All?

June 1st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Wait, wut? Did Octomom just say something that sounded kinda sane?

Nadya Suleman, single mother of 14, recently signed on to star in a TV series that is being called a “quasi-reality” show (seems appropriate, doesn’t it?). But when asked if it would resemble another show about a family comprised largely of multiples, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Suleman’s attorney, Jeff Czech, spoke on her behalf and said, “She’s been watching them a bit lately and thinks it’s boring.”

Is Octomom not so crazy after all? Maybe.

That’s a BIG maybe, mind you.

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Tila Protects Herself Before She Wrecks Herself (Again)

April 10th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Y’all, I’m pretty sure the world is coming to an end, because I was just over on Twitter when I discovered this:


Tila Tequila’s protecting her updates?! As in, she’s keeping some of her shit to herself for a change? I’m not sure if this signals that pigs can fly and hell’s frozen over, but I like it.

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Michelle Malkin Is Asian, After All

August 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

For those of you who’ve ever wondered if Michelle Malkin is really Asian, given her championing of internment camps and other racist whatthefuckery, watch this video taken of a protest yesterday in Denver, where Michelle was “reporting”:

Didja see how our favorite conservamidge clung to her camera like any good Asian would? Nothing was going to come between Michelle and her Nikon! NOTHING.

As for her Britney-esque gum-smacking problem?

Well, we never said bitch was civilized.

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Dear Lindsaysian

July 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Lindsay,

How are you? I’m fine. I’ve been really busy or whatever, but everything’s great, just great!

Let me cut to the chase: I’m not a huge fan of yours. I am freaked out by your family. I am freaked out by your freckly legs. I am freaked out by your mug shot. Hell, I am freaked out by your Friday (Hee hee! Get it?). People say you can act–which is true on some level (I loved Mean Girls)–but I’ve seen you with that gravelly voice, shoving your hands in your pockets, shrugging your shoulders and acting petulant, in enough movies (Okay, I’ve seen Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me and, by God, Lucky You… which is more than I can say for most of the world) to know that you’re a bit of a one-trick pony.

I don’t think fame-dependency has been good for you. I’ve noticed that your weight constantly fluctuates (you’re looking a bit thin these days, by the way… I do hope it’s pilates and not yay). You parade around Robertson Blvd. with a perpetual come-hither lip snarl, but nobody’s coming hither. And now that you’re no longer under rehabordeathwatch, and your agent is freaking out because your “serious stripper” movie proved to be a fucking disaster, and the trades told everyone that your big-screen name is spelled F-L-O-P on television, you ‘re actually starting to seem… really, really desperate.


Is this why you seem to be taking cues from our DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shame-whore, Tila Tequila? Let’s face it, she needs attention like most people need air, and so do you! She loves her tits, and so do you! She loves sequined dresses, chapeaus, going blonde, and rubbing up against butch chicks…


…and so (see above) do you!

The problem with this is not so much that we don’t bi your paparazzi-perpetuated lesbian love affair (drive-bis are tired, and we loathe them all).

It’s that we don’t care.

NOBODY. CARES.

TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. BECOME MORE INTERESTING. DO SOMETHING. DO BETTER. DON’T JUST DO YOUR HOMELY FEMALE BEST FRIEND.

I’m so fucking bored of you I could tip a cow (but I won’t).

xoxox,
diana

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File Under Weird Chinese Behavior

July 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Wei Shengchu, world record holder in the Guinness Book for acupuncturing himself with 1,790 needles, shows his Olympic pride by wearing 205 needles, one for each country represented at the Games. For the Opening Ceremony, Wei plans to break his record by inserting 2,008 needles in his head.

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Blacktalk

June 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The following has been translated courtesy of the Ebonics Translator:


In an interview dis here week, da presidential wannabe Ralph “Pimpin’” Nader stirred up static and shit by claiming Obama talks “whitey.” Nader told da Rocky Mountain News:

“He wants ta appeal ta whitey guilt. You appeal ta whitey guilt not by coming on as black iz fine, black iz powerful…”

Which led us ta wonder, what’s da difference between jivin’ whitey an’ jivin’ black?

We’s searched an’ searched da internet fo’ clues an’ finally found da ebonix translator, which wuz very helpful. It takes cracker english an’ “ebonifies” it an’ ya really see da difference. So we’s jet back an’ looked at Obama’s response ta Nader an’ realized he really do jive whitey, what the fuck sup now? If it’s dis here easy why don’ Obama jive black? He’s black right? Ya’ dig?

So we’s decided ta translate what da Democratic nominee said ta Nader in black jive so dat he could be mo’ true ta himself:

“Ralph Nader hadn’t been paying attention ta muh ma fuckin speeches, cuz all da issues dat he talked about–whether it be predatory lending, da housing foreclosure crisis…I’ve devoted multiple speeches…an don’t make me pull mah gat!

Ralph Nader iz trying ta git attention…He’s someone…whose campaign hasn’t gotten any traction. So what bettah way ta git some traction than ta make an inflammatory statement like da one dat he made? It iz what it iz. Don’t make me come ovah there bitch…”

Dere ya gots it, ye damn hood ratz. Now dat dere iz Obama jivin’ black, fo’ real. It’s dat simple, aight???

Peace!

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And In Other News…

February 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


…Tila Tequila still fancies herself a stripper. And I fancy myself a blogger. SHOCKER.

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