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As some of you know, our site was down yesterday.
And unlike most Monday mornings, where the most disturbing thing greeting us first thing is our weekend hangovers, there was so much bad shit going on in the world.
In other words, so much bad shit to blog about.
There was the ongoing tragedy taking place on Twitter, enacted by randos and well-known players alike–50 Cent, Gilbert Gottfried, the WNBA’s Cappie Poindexter, Family Guy writer Alec Sulkin–that made fun of the ongoing tragedy in Japan.
And, of course, there were also those two viral videos. The one about Asians in the library from UCLA student Alexandra Wallace, and the one about God punishing Japan with the earthquake because it’s a country of atheists (which has since been revealed as a hoax and the work of a troll).
Like we said: SO MUCH BAD SHIT.
So how, in a moment like this, could the Internet betray us and leave us without a forum to air out our grievances? Normally, we’d blame evil gnomes–which a friend suggested look exactly like Arcade Fire–but this was different. This was bigger.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians In The Library, Assholes, Cheesedicks, Ching Ching Ling Long Ting Tong, Chinglish, Dickburgers, Dickfaces, Dumbasses, Earthquake, Gnomes, God Is So Good, Hangovers, Idiots, Internet Memes, Japan, Racists, Trolls, Tsunami, Twitter, UCLA, YouTube
Dear Mr. Kenneth Tong:
Earlier this week, I started reading stories about you and this idea of “managed anorexia,” a Twitter campaign you launched then claimed was a hoax, but only, it seems, after a journalist mentioned the possibility of legal action against you because of it.
I sent a few links about this story to Jen and Diana, the editors of this blog. As their intern, it’s part of my job to look for stories they may want to write about on the site.
I figured you were a shoo-in for “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK,” a weekly dishonor given to someone or something that has done something so foul and terrible that we may all be worse off because of it. Something so bad it’s almost worth not writing about but for the fact that we have to warn others about the bullshit you’ve perpetrated.
Also, I figured that having DOTW on your resume would be a natural fit for someone whose only previous claim to fame was as a contestant on “Big Brother UK”.
They asked if I could write a response to you and to your story. They asked me to do this because I first alerted them to it, and because I seemed pretty well invested in taking you down.
I also wonder if they asked me to do this because I’m fat.
So, Mr. Kenneth Tong, I want to thank you.
Thank you for causing even a fraction of a millisecond of a doubt in my mind about the reason behind Jen and Diana asking me to write this story.
Thank you for taking it upon yourself to use Twitter to bully and harass the women who were unfortunate enough to read your posts.
Thank you for showing the world the truth of the hate that you have for fat people, for women, for people with eating disorders, for the people who love them, and for pretty much every decent person on earth.
Thank you for using anorexia, an eating disorder, and exploiting it for the sake of an experiment “to go from nowhere to be a globally recognized figure within a week harnessing the power of the internet and specifically Twitter.” I’m sure that people suffering from anorexia and other eating disorders were happy they could lend a hand in the effort to promote you.
Thank you for using the interviews you’ve given to the press since you began this awful game (because it’s just a game to you, isn’t it?) to promote yourself instead of clearing up any assertions you made about anorexia, or to offer real apologizes to anyone you may have offended or harmed.
Thank you for re-tweeting every single negative message you received on Twitter in response to “managed anorexia”, because it shows you really only care about yourself.
Thank you for showing me that when I thought I’d heard every insult and every bad word you could hurl at a fat person, you came up with even more.
Thank you for making me think about you, and how much I hate what you have to say, when really I would have been much better off focusing on more important things like who I think is going to win big at The Golden Globes on Sunday, or cleaning my bathroom.
Thank you for making me fearful of posting a picture of myself on-line, of writing this post, of showing people who I am, because now all I can think of is being judged or, even worse, being ignored, because I am fat.
Jasmine (aka, Fatso, Fatty Fat Fat, Fat Bitch, and so on and so forth)
Filed under: Anorexia, Assholes, Backpedaling, Big Brother Contestants, Bulimia, Dicks, Eating Disorders, Fame Trolls, Fame Whores, Fat, Hoaxes, Hong Kong Chinese, Kenneth Tong, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Sizists, Some People Need Muzzles, Trolls, Twitter, Twitter Wars, What The Fuck Is Managed Anorexia?
When I was sixteen, my family’s dog, Rocky–a seven-year-old, sweet, chubby Doberman Pinscher–got very ill one afternoon. When I arrived home from school, he was lethargic. Within an hour, he got much worse and was unable to walk, his breath shallow. I took him to the vet and watched as he became weaker and started to show signs of jaundice.
Within hours, my family and I learned that Rocky’s liver was failing. He was going downhill quickly. We raced him to a larger facility in an attempt to rush him into emergency surgery. He didn’t make it there, though; he died in my dad’s arms.
The vets confirmed that Rocky had been poisoned. The rat poison, tucked into treats, had been fed to him the day before. There were no poisons of the kind at our home. And though we have a hunch, we’ll never know for sure who did it to him or why.
I don’t have to tell you this–I know many of you are dog lovers and parents, like Jen and myself–but I would not wish this kind of tragedy on my worst enemy, not even on the most disgraceful DISGRASIAN. Having an animal member of your family taken away from you feels like having your heart ripped out of your chest–the worst part perhaps being that the cruelty isn’t even acted out on you, but rather on something so innocent and undeserving, so unable to plea for help or understand why something bad is happening to them. The pain is indescribable.
When Jen and I read on Angry Asian Man that a Houston man, Qian Feng, had been arrested for plaguing his neighborhood with strychnine-laced cheese balls intended to kill local pet dogs, both of our stomachs tied up in knots. He was caught on video after a woman whose dogs almost died from the cheeseballs installed security cameras, capturing his second attack–I applaud her for taking the legit and legal route to justice, which is hard during such emotional matters.
In an interview with Matt Lauer set to air next week, George Bush–who’s also hocking a memoir, as if living in this jobless, debt-ridden country isn’t reminder enough of the havoc he’s wreaked upon us–claims the lowest point of his presidency came when Kanye West said on live TV post-Katrina that Bush didn’t “care about black people.”
“I resent it, it’s not true, and it was one of the most disgusting moments of my presidency,” he tells Lauer, according to Yahoo! News.
So, after squandering a ten year budget surplus of $5.6 trillion and incurring a ten year deficit of $6 trillion instead, and leading this country into an unnecessary war that’s cost us over $700 billion and claimed the lives of over 12,000 U.S. soldiers, you really still believe the lowest point in your presidency was having a rapper call you racist?
Congratulations, George W. Bush! That means you officially have the emotional maturity Continue reading Congratulations, George W. Bush
Filed under: Assholes, Babies, Boo Hoo, Dicks, Fuck You, George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, George Bush Memoir, George W. Bush, Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West, Katrina, One of the Many Stellar Bush Administration Legacies, Taylor Swift, The Bush Legacy, Uberassholes
Ivy was booted from the show two weeks before but brought back this week, along with five other former contestants, to be a Sewing Bitch for one of the six remaining designers. But instead of shutting up and making “a look”–as they refer to clothes on the show–pretty, Ivy decided to stir up some drrrama and accuse one of the designers still in the competition, Michael C., of cheating in a past challenge. Something about tape over a model’s boobs. In other words: huh?
Ivy also accused Michael C. of playing “the game”–in a competition, no less!–and told him the only reason he was still on the show was because, “You talk shit about people and you sabotage people.”
Sound familiar? If you haven’t been following the show, this is Ivy a few episodes back talking shit and sabotaging another Michael, Michael D., whom she had to partner with in a challenge:
Angry Asian Man posted this fabulous instructional video, which is part of a series that aids grownup Korean speakers in pronouncing the more, er, important words of the English language: the bad ones!
Nothing warms my heart more than hearing a Hardass Asian Grownup drop an f-bomb or call someone “you fucking bitch”–or reach my father’s apex of frustration: “Oh, shit” (it only happens when he makes an anomolous mistake, like losing his keys).
And so my only hope is that more Koreans will immerse themselves into this line of study. And that such tutorials will soon be created for ma peeps the Vietnamese, Jen’s peeps the Chinese, and all of y’alls peeps as well!
I also see this tutorial as a bit of a backdoor guide to reading DISGRASIAN, properly prepping little old ladies using umbrellas as parasols and friends from our parents’ singing groups to join us in a dialogue about fucking burritos and declaring the world’s biggest asshole–and, if we’re lucky, helping us cut a few fuckers’ dicks off. That’s the fucking shit!
It’s a generasian bridge, so to speak. And a damn fine one at that.
Filed under: Angry Asian Man, Assholes, Awesome Korean Behavior, Awesomeness, Chalkboard, Chopping Dicks Off, Cursing, Dicks, Foul Language, Fucking Bitches, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Parents' Friends, Korean English Curse Word Tutorial, Korean Grownups, Koreans, Koreans Who Rules, Singing Groups, Study
Remember how a few weeks ago, we told you about a “Ninja” who was threatening to kick Joe Lieberman’s ass in Connecticut, but we were like, Whoa, whoa, Ninja, let’s wait to see what he can do with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the repeal of which Lieberman was rumored to be heading up?
It’s unclear whether Lieberman has made any progress on that front, and now Senator Grimace Face is up to his old tricks again, namely, screwing Democrats, by threatening to join Republicans in a filibuster of any health care bill that would carry a public option.
For any of you confused about what the public option is, watch this simple, succinct explanation given by economist, former Secretary of Labor, and really smart man Robert Reich:
Filed under: Assholes, Bad Democrats, Filibuster, Health Care, Health Care Bill, Health Care Bill Public Option, Health Care Reform, Independents, Joe Lieberman, Ninjas, Senator Harry Reid, Senator Joe Lieberman, Turncoats
discuss the release of detained Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling
(Screen grab from video of still photo)
KIM JONG IL: Oh, hey! Bill, good of you to come! What brings you to DPRK?
BILL CLINTON: With all due respect, sir, you know why I’m here. It’s time for you to return Euna and Laura.
KIM JONG IL: Oh yeah! Yeah! Sounds great. Are you hungry?
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, sir. I’m not–
KIM JONG IL: Let’s take a picture. Does anybody have a camera? [To staff member] Grab that video guy. Shoot a little bit of me with Billy boy.
BILL CLINTON: I don’t really know if this is the time or pl–
KIM JONG IL: [To camera] Yo, wazzup! Your boy Kim here with the former prez of the USA!
BILL CLINTON: I’m here on a humanitarian mission. We have a deal. You know this.
KIM JONG IL: Yeah, yeah, of course we have a deal! Listen, are you sure you’re not hungry? Let’s just get some dinner, we’ll talk, we’ll get to everything you need…
BILL CLINTON: O…kay.
KIM JONG IL: God, BILL! It’s great to see you. Seriously. Man, you should come by more often. We gotta hang.
BILL CLINTON: This is not a “hang,” I’m here to discuss Lee and Ling, who you sentenced to 12 years in hard labor prison.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, that was mostly just for leverage. I wanted somebody like you to come over here and have dinner with me.
BILL CLINTON: Well, I’m here, asshole.
KIM JONG IL: OMG, did you hear about the World’s Biggest Asshole thing?
BILL CLINTON: Excuse me?
KIM JONG IL: Never mind.
BILL CLINTON: Maybe we should sit down and get into discussions. I don’t have a lot of time.
KIM JONG IL: I know I know I know. Rush, rush, rush! Don’t you feel like we’re always in a hurry? I mean, what are we hurrying for? We’re all going to die someday.
BILL CLINTON: [Frustrated] Yes. Hopefully some of us sooner than others.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, Bubba, don’t be like that.
BILL CLINTON: Please stop addressing me that way. President Clinton, or Bill, please.
KIM JONG IL: Alright, Bill Please! [laughs hysterically]
BILL CLINTON: Pardon me for asking, but are you on something?
KIM JONG IL: A shit ton of Vicodin and this experimental drug that makes me seem like I’m alive! Aw man, I’m just glad to see you.
BILL CLINTON: I feel like you’re just hungry for attention.
KIM JONG IL: Nuh-UH.
BILL CLINTON: I’m not here for a pleasant visit. I don’t like your nukes, I don’t like your world tactics, and I’m furious that you’ve imprisoned American journalists.
KIM JONG IL: But they were producing a smear campaign against North Korea!
BILL CLINTON: Dude, HAVE YOU PICKED UP A PAPER LATELY? Your rep is established. There’s no more “smearing” left to do.
KIM JONG IL: I’ll nuke you.
BILL CLINTON: Oh, there you go again. Do you realize that this is all just a vicious cycle? You’re not making things any better for yourself.
KIM JONG IL: Why can’t people just see that I’m cool and awesome and the best?
BILL CLINTON: Because you’re a dick and your appearance frightens small children.
KIM JONG IL: I’m sorry. About everything. I just put up these walls…
BILL CLINTON: Yes. Literally.
KIM JONG IL: It’s like I’ve gone so far, I can’t turn back.
BILL CLINTON: Well, you’re going to have to.
KIM JONG IL: I can’t!
BILL CLINTON: Listen. One step at a time. Hand over the girls. Let me take them home.
[deep, sad pause]
KIM JONG IL: Okay.
Photo Source: AP
Thanks to Aviva, Abe, Cate and Mohammad!
News sources say that President Omar Al-Bashir of Sudan was spotted “smiling, dancing and speaking to a huge crowd of supporters Thursday, a day after a warrant was issued for his arrest on war crimes charges.”
Okay, that’s one way to show humility in the face of abysmal accusations. Sheezus, maybe he and Chris Brown share a gene or something.
I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.
It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.
But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).
But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.
My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.
‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.
And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.
We learned while reading HuffPo today (surprisingly, not our own posts, but others’) that Chickaboomer just confirmed the firing of the Fox News producer responsible for the Michelle Obama “Baby Mama” chyron.
That’s cool and all, but why not boot Michelle Malkin while they’re at it? She’s little and easy to punt.
The next time you decide to spend prime stage time sneering and mocking Obama’s experience from two decades ago as a “community organizer,” perhaps you should consider the fact that your party’s current nominee for Vice President also cut her teeth as a… community organizer.
Oh wait, I’m sorry, every time I say “community organizer,” I’m supposed to smirk and chuckle, right?
Y’all are awfully proud of Sarah Palin’s experience as a PTA member, aren’tcha? But wait one cotton pickin’ minute… isn’t the PTA a voluntary organization? Don’t members organize their communities in order to create positive change in schools? Hasn’t Sen. McCain lauded his running mate’s efforts at the community level, saying that running for the PTA reflected her courage? And doesn’t this courageous experience kinda make Palin’s history that of a, er, community organizer, y’know, before all of her extensive executive experience as a small-town mayor and um, foreign policy veteran (I’m so glad she’s dealt hands-on with all of that raging Canadian and Russian turmoil so that the rest of us wouldn’t have to)?
Rudy, does this community organizer black mark mean that she shouldn’t be hired, either? Urg, I’m so freakin’ confused here–am I supposed to smirk and chuckle now?
Hmm. Maybe I’ll just leave all of the smirking and chuckling to you.
Fuck right off, you raging idiot and failed Presidential candidate,
Filed under: Assholes, Barack Obama, Community Organizers, Does Logic Mean Nothin?, Failure, Fuckfaces, People that Aren't Winners, Pricks, Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin PTA, This is Bullshit