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What are we all doin’ tomorrow night? A little birdie tells me that Kobe’s having a par-tay!
And it sure ain’t to celebrate his Lakers’ mortifying loss on Wednesday to the Cleveland Cavs.
Rather, tomorrow the 5-time NBA champ, 2-time NBA Finals MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer will receive an honor that no other athlete has ever received: cement prints in front of Hollywood’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.
According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.
The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.
A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:
- Pai Gow poker
- Crab legs
- A “Math Bar.” What’s your pleasure: Multiplication, division, addition, subtraction, exponents, integers? You pick! Continue reading If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party
Filed under: "Asian Themes", All-Star Weekend, Asians Love Gambling, Boulevard 3, Cleveland Cavaliers, Disgragers, firsts, Hardass Asian Parents, Hollywood, Huh?, Idiotic LA Events, Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant Gets Cement Prints At Hollywood's Grauman's Chinese Theater, Kobe Bryant Handprints, LA Lakers, Laker Hate, NBA, Say buh-bye to that big gold ball
Do not resist.
Do not fight the urge.
Do not think about how you may reflect back on your actions in the future. Stay in the moment.
Do not second-guess yourself.
Do not look at yourself through the eyes of others. You will become self-conscious, and the moment will be lost.
Take a deep breath.
Relax your shoulders.
Think about something happy, like babies, or unicorns.
Understand that, whatever your race, creed, religion, color, sex, sexual orientation, national origin, political affiliation, or age, you will surrender.
You must surrender…
Filed under: 2010 Shanghai World Expo, Asian Peace Sign, Asian Poses, Asian V Sign, Asians and Their Love of Peace Signs, Asians Love Gambling, Local Customs, Mind Control, Shanghai World Expo, Vulcan Mind Meld, When In Rome
Happy 47th birthday to Scotty Nguyen!
Nguyen is one of those dudes that my parents would never associate with publicly, because he drinks and smokes and curses and does drugs and has lost his fortune over and over again as a direct result of his vices.
But deep down, I know they love him. After all, he’s Vietnamese, and he’s such a consistent winner. Any time a Nguyen is winning in Vegas, my mom is happy.
Filed under: Asians Love Gambling, Birthdays, Disappointing My Parents, Everybody Loves a Winner, Fortunes, Las Vegas, Nguyens Rule, Poker, Professional Poker Players, Scotty Nguyen, Secret Fascinasian, Vices
Sprint recently unveiled a new ad campaign, “Why Throw Your Money Away?” that targets the recession-consumer. Take a look at this TV spot, featuring an Asian family:
Well, Sprint got one thing right. It’s totally conceivable that the white families would stop, stare, and be baffled by the one Asian family-in-the-neighborhood’s inscrutable ways (How come the dad never smiles? Why is he gardening in a sweater vest? Why does he sometimes garden in sandals? How come the mom never speaks and runs quickly inside the house when we say hello to her? Why is the daughter always doing chores and practicing the piano badly instead of having slumber parties? etc.).
But an Asian family throwing, or, in this case, blowing money away (and not at a gambling table)?! Never!
To see the original Craigslist post, click here.
Asians love to gamble. Which is probably the most prominent exception to the rule that we are risk-averse. My grandmother, at 89, still plays mah-jong for money. One uncle of mine plays so much mah-jong that he can tell what tile he has in his hand by touch. A college roommate and dear friend of mine, who is Japanese-American, made her first trip to Atlantic City when she was 11 or 12, because her mother wanted to show her how to make fast cash in case she was ever in trouble in life. To this day, this friend consistently kills at a card table.
Casinos know and exploit this fact. They have marketing offices in Chinatowns and Asian-American communities around the country that offer free shit to would-be gamblers, from shuttle bus rides to the nearest casino to luxury hotel suites within. Foxwoods Casino is taking this idea one step further by bringing a casino to Philadelphia’s Chinatown, despite community resistance. State and city officials have already okayed plans to build a 3,000-slot-machine-casino there, in a community that, according to the AP, has lost 25% of its land in the last 50 years to public projects.
“We’re just tired of having to fight these battles over and over again,” said Deborah Wei, principal of a 400-student charter school built on land where the (rejected baseball) stadium would have risen. “We are a small community that’s been disproportionately hit by these projects.”
Foxwoods’ response to community concerns has been predictably bullshit and venal. Foxwoods spokeswoman Maureen Garrity said that the casino has a program to promote “responsible gambling” and is working with the Council on Compulsive Gambling of Pennsylvania, whatever that means.
“While addiction is certainly not limited to any one race or ethnic group, we recognize the concerns of the Chinatown community,” she said.
Riiiiight. In other words, Gambling addiction isn’t limited to any one race or ethnic group, but we sure hope it is! Ka-Ching-Chong!
Look, we love to gamble just like the next (Asian) person. When I emailed Diana about this story this morning, she wrote back, “That is a pretty crap situasian, even if my mom would be at that casino in a Philly heartbeat.” Most of our moms would; in fact, Foxwoods is counting on it, and therein lies the problem. This is a tiny, eight-block neighborhood in Philly we’re talking about here. There’s a charter elementary school there (where 65% of the student body is Asian), which means many children will be exposed to gambling at a very young age. And it’s slot machine-gambling, where the odds of winning are completely determined by luck rather than skill. Also, there’s no real evidence that casino revenue actually helps communities develop and flourish in the long-run. Is this fast cash really worth the gamble, Philadelphia?
To learn more about the fight in Philly, click here for Asian Americans United.
Jen found this Fujiya & Miyagi music video on Buzzfeed last week and I have been obsessed with it ever since. First of all, I love the dope lo-fi synth track, but I’m also enthralled with the animated dice. Maybe it’s because dice remind me of gambling, and gambling reminds me of my aunts, and my aunts remind me of egg rolls, and I love egg rolls. Egg rolls are so delicious.
Just a theory.
The final table of the World Series of Poker Main Event was set yesterday in Vegas, and three of the remaining nine players gunning for the $9.12 million dollar purse are Asian. David “Chino” Rheem, 28, and Kelly Kim, 31, both of Los Angeles, CA, along with 39 year-old accountant Darus Suharto of Toronto, Canada, will compete on November 9-10 for the big prize.
Why are Asians so good at poker? Well, there are the obvious reasons: we’re good at math, we’ve been gambling since the beginning of time, and we’ve got “inscrutable” poker faces.
Oh, and we love love love to win.
Good luck, boys!
Red dress print, red shoes, red bag, red cape on inappropriately costumed child. HUH? The only person allowed to be this matchy-matchy with the ruby color is my favorite Aunt–and only while seated perkily at a baccarat table, sipping a free cocktail and yelling, “More red, more moneeeeeyy!”
But for everybody else, this business is just ti(red), lazy, and gauche.