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DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins
Oh man. Who knew golf was filled with so much drrrrrrrrama? No, I’m not talking about Phil Mickelson winning the Masters and hugging his wife, who’s been battling breast cancer, after. That was sweet and a welcome break from you know who.
So, yes, I guess I am talking about you know who, but only a little, because I am so seriously bored by Tiger Woods at this point, and I’m kinda mad about it, you know? Because who knew that having sex with porn stars and maybe getting a golf club to the face from your wife was so effing dull? I mean, is nothing SACRED???
Anyway. The point is, Tiger returns to golf. And he looks pretty good on the first day (ultimately, he comes in fourth). But then he has to open his mouth after and compare his comeback to Ben Hogan’s in 1949.
“It’s very similar to what Hogan went through coming off the accident,” Woods said. “He couldn’t play that much, and when you can’t play, you have to concentrate on your practice.”
Ben Hogan was in a car accident, see, back in 1949, just like Tiger. Only he threw himself in front of his wife inside their car to save her when a Greyhound bus plowed into them. And he only, like, broke his collarbone, pelvis, ankle and ribs. So, yes, it is VERY SIMILAR, Tiger. That is to say, Fire your handlers immediately, you dumbass.
80 year-old golf writer, Dan Jenkins, who knew Hogan, was quick to point out that Continue reading DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Golf Writer Dan Jenkins
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Dan Jenkins, Dan Jenkins Y.E. Yang Joke, Old People On Twitter, Old People Using New Technology, P.F. Chang's, Racist Jokes, Some People Need Muzzles, STFU, The Masters Golf Tournament, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Returns, Twitter
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! LPGA Tour Champion Michelle Wie
Name: Michelle Wie
Age: 20
Occupation: Student and pro golfer
After becoming the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA tour event at age 12 and turning pro at 16, only to have her career declared “over” by age 18, Michelle Wie’s finally won her first LPGA tour title. Wieeeeeeeeeee!
We’ve been tough on Michelle Wie in the past, particularly when she became better known for her bratty tournament shenanigans than her game, but her win this weekend at the Lorena Ochoa Invitational suggests that the former child prodigy who always wanted to compete with men may have grown up and sacked up over the last few years. Certainly what Wie had to say after her win can be taken as a good sign:
“I think that hopefully life will be a lot better (after this), but I still have a lot of work to do.”
“I still have a lot of work to do”…that’s music to our Hardass Asian Ears!
[AP: At long last, Michelle Wie gets 1st LPGA Tour win]
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Golf, Growing Up, Hardass Asian Expectations, Hawaiians, Korean-Americans, Michelle Wie, Michelle Wie First LGPA Win, Michelle Wie Wins, Punahou School Alumni, Stanford, Winners
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger’s Back
Tiger Woods returned to golf this week after knee surgery and an 8-month absence. Despite being dispatched in the 2nd round of the Accenture Match Play Championship today, his fellow competitors have to be shitting in their golf pants. This new Nike commercial probably sums up their feelings:
But look on the bright side, golfers-who-aren’t-Tiger. With Tiger back, people actually think golf is a sport again!
Filed under: Anthony Kim, Asian Golfers, Golf, Golf Is a Sport, Golf Pants, Nike, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Nike Commercial, Tiger Woods Returns
BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!
Michelle Wie turns 20 this weekend, which means she’ll be one year too old to be considered a provocative “teen athlete” with “lots of potential,” and one step further away from being a young prodigy. Not to be a buzzkill or anything–that’s just what our moms said to us when WE turned twenty. It sucked!
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Getting Older, Hardass Asian Moms, Michelle Wie, Prodigies, Professional Athletes, Savoring Your Early Twenties, Suckage, Time to Step It Up Lady
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The LPGA Backs Off Ricist "English-Only" Policy
The LPGA has scrapped its plan to suspend players who don’t pass an oral English exam, after protests from sponsors, athletes, Asian-American groups, and California State Senator Leland Yee (pictured right). According to Bloomberg, the LPGA has 121 international players from 26 countries, including 45 South Koreans. The English-only policy was considered to be targeting Asians, who have won 7 out of 24 events this year.
I’m glad the LPGA has come to its senses. Frankly, if Senator Yee were giving me that Hardass Evil Eye, I would, too! I’d also make straight A’s on my next report card, wear modest clothing, become a violin virtuoso, respect my elders, go to Chinese school every Saturday, and never have sex!
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Chinese School, Discriminatory Policies, English Only, Golf, Golfers, Hardass Asian Legislators, Leland Yee, Report Cards, Ricism, Sex, The Evil Eye, The LPGA Tour, Violin Virtuousos
