DISGRASIAN™

Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.

(Somewhere, Charles Barkley is driving his SUV drunk on the way to a blowjob, marveling at his own genius.)

To recap, Tiger said he:

• has a lot to atone for
• doesn’t get to play by different rules
• brought shame to his family
• wants to live a life of integrity
• will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy

If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:

Continue reading Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

Filed under: Apologies, Atonement, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Kultida Woods, Public Apologies, Public Shaming, The PGA Tour, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals

John Mayer Apologizes For Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth By Having Diarrhea Of The Mouth

John Mayer apologized on stage Wednesday night for saying some racially-fucked things in that now infamous Playboy interview–like calling a “hood pass” a “n*gger pass” and saying he has a “white supremacist dick”–and made a special point of saying sorry to his back-up band members, most of whom are black (awkward!). Although he said he was done being “witty” and “clever,” and repeated over and over that he just wants to “play my guitar,” dude couldn’t stop trying to be witty and clever for over three minutes:

As much as we love a real, honest-to-God apology…DUDE SHUT UP ALREADY.

And the colored girls go, “Doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-we’re-so-stoked-you-have-a-white-supremacist-dick-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-keep-plugging-chicks-like-Jessica-Simpson-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-that-is-so-fine-with-us-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-your-emo-sensitive-boy-MeMeMe-patter-gives-us-a-rash-doo doo doo-dooooooooo…”

[NY Post: John Mayer apologizes, buying it?]
[Playboy Interview: John Mayer]

Filed under: Apologies, John Mayer, John Mayer Apology, John Mayer Douchebag, John Mayer Emo Douchebag, John Mayer N Word, John Mayer Racist Dick, Public Apologies, STFU, Stop Talking

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Toyota

Often when we award the distinctive honor of DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, the offender’s biggest problem is that they are shameless about whatever shitty thing they’ve done.

This week, however, we recognize disgrace that has been acknowledged and loaded with a truckful of shame. As you may know, Toyota recently recalled eight auto models with brake pedal sticking problems, after a widely-publicized car crash took the lives of a CHP officer and his family.

Today, Toyota CEO of three months Akio Toyoda stood before the Japan National Press Club to deliver a most ashamed, sprawling, grief-laden public apology.

NYT reports:

A little more than three months after assuming his post, the president of Toyota, the world’s biggest automaker, recited a long list of mea culpas to astonished reporters at the Japan National Press Club.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Toyota

Filed under: Absolute Shame, Apologies, Economic Crisis, Fatal Car Crash CHP Officer, Global Economics, Japan National Press Club, Lexus, Public Apologies, Salvasian, Shame, Toyota, Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda, Toyota President Apologizes, Toyota Recall

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

Did too many of Tiger’s low-rent mistresses rise up to tell their tales? Did enough of his sponsors threaten to drop him? We’ll never know.  But one of the world’s greatest atheletes has decided to step away from professional golf to focus, finally, on the shit circus that is his life:

From Tiger Wood’s official site:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

Filed under: Affairs, Apologies, Dayum, Detroying Your Family, Disrespecting Your Wife, Fucking Around, Fuckups, Golf, Hiatus, Homewrecks, Indefinite Hiatus, Infidelity, Life As A Circus, Low-rentitude, Mistresses, Never the Same, Professional Athletes, Sadness, Tiger Woods, Whoopsieeee

Guess It’s Settled: Miley Was Just Smiling With Her Eyes, Really Really Hard

It was announced today that Lucie Kim’s $4 million dollar lawsuit against Miley Cyrus–which we knew in our hearts she would never win–was thrown out by Los Angeles judge Robert Sohigian today.

Sohigian “was not convinced Cyrus had violated a state law protecting citizens from discrimination by businesses,” and tossed the case without so much as a stern talking-to about social responsibility, the significance of buck-teef and slit eyes, or a verbal list of things that toothy, chubby-faced Disney troll-models should not do…especially in front of cameras.

So it’s likely that what Cyrus will take away from this experience is a big, fat PHEW! And a cheerful reminder that when you’re famous, you can do really stupid, shitty, racist crap and never, ever be sorry for it.

[AFP: Judge Dismisses Miley Cyrus 'slant eyes' suit]

Source
Thanks, Jasmine and Kelly!

Filed under: $4 million Lawsuit, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Apologies, Bad Judgment, Fuck 'Em All, Lawsuits, Los Angeles, Lucie Kim, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus is a Disease, Miley Cyrus Lawsuit, Not Sorry, Robert Sohigian

Serena Williams Wants To Hug It Out

When Serena Williams apologized Monday to the lines judge whose “fucking throat” she wanted to shove a “fucking ball” down after the judge called Serena on a foot-fault in her U.S. Open semifinal against Kim Clijsters, she went so far as to say, “I would like to give (the lines judge) a big ol’ hug.”

To which the lines judge replied, “Uh, er, um…know what? I’m good. I’m not what you’d call a big hugger anyway.” *runs away*

Source

Filed under: Apologies, Hugging Does Not Come Naturally To Us, Hugs, Kim Clijsters, Serena Williams, Serena Williams Foot Fault, Serena Williams Lines Judge Controversy, Tennis, US Open

Kanye, Real Apologies Aren’t Written In Caps Lock

Dear Kanye,

It seems unnecessary at this point to remind you that you are a douche. It also seems pointless to ask if you’ve been taking lessons from that other loudmouth with no fuckin’ shame, Joe Wilson. Frankly, it’s clear that you’re an asshole with a God complex. That’s your “thing.” You behave as though–simply because you are a successful music and pop culture maker–you contribute something truly significant to society, and might actually matter long after we all turn into carbon matter and dust. Oh man, we hope you take disappointment well.

But let’s talk about last night’s assface behavior. What you did to that sweetheart girl, Taylor Swift, during her one joyous moment accepting the MTV Award for “Best Female Video,” was absolutely deplorable.

The look on her face after you scramble off stage is absolutely heartbreaking. You are an asshole, yes. But more importantly, you’re cruel. You are a cruel mother fucker.

But far worse than your awards show behavior, it seems, is your apology.

As you know, we’re real sticklers on apologies. We’re also huge proponents of avoiding Inernet acronyms (and aggressive ellipses, for that matter), as well as unlocking caps when trying to express something–like sorrow or sorry–with some level of sincerity.

A real apology is not rattled off in powder-blue font on your blog. A real apology is not made up of jumbled nonsense. More importantly, when you apologize to Taylor, don’t ramble [again] about how much greater Beyonce’s video was. In fact, leave Beyonce out of this! Stop fucking bringing her into your weird, convoluted world of drama, you dick!

Here’s our suggestion. Write a new apology (and we mean really write it, with a pen, on a card), and mail it (with a stamp) to Taylor.

It should read:

Dear Taylor,

Words cannot describe how ashamed I feel for interrupting you during your acceptance speech last night. I was out of line and I am deeply sorry. I am truly sorry.

I realize that I ruined one of the greatest moments of your life, and left you hurt and uncomfortable. I can never make that up to you, but I will certainly try.

Lastly, I know that I am not God. I have said that you are talented, but you don’t need my blessing to receive the “Best Female Video” award. You completely deserve it.

Please accept my humble apology. I hope we can be friends.

Sincerely,
Kanye West

And this time, when you say you’re sorry, you should mean it.

[kanYe West: Blog apology to Taylor Swift]
[MTV: Taylor Swift Wins Best Female Video [VIDEO]]

Source

Filed under: Apologies, Bloggers, Cruelty, Douchebags, God Complex, Kanye West, MTV Video Awards, People Who Have No Shame, Sincerity, Ways to Not Look Sorry

Dear Miley Cyrus: Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry in a Half-Assed Way

Dear Miley,

Asians hate apologizing. Because it means we have to admit we were wrong. And we hate being wrong as much as we hate apologizing, which is why we excel at stuff to painstakingly avoid it. Our parents also never taught us the distinction between apologizing and flogging ourselves; when we were wrong as kids, we’d have to apologize for the ages. Literally. Like for stuff we did years ago, that we had already apologized for, not to mention the stuff we did five minutes ago. Then we’d have to admit that we fucked up not because, y’know, we occasionally dabbled in bad behavior or that we were, um, children, but because of some deep dark character flaw that we would have to spend the rest of our lives rectifying. Which then sent us into some horrible shame spiral about our “true” selves. It was all very grim, punishing, and Catholic, like Meryl Streep’s character in the movie Doubt, but if it taught us one thing, it was that WE. ALWAYS. HAVE. TO. DO. BETTER.

All this is just to say that we get how hard it is to say you’re sorry. It’s so much easier to, like, shoot an elephant. So when we heard this morning that you’d apologized for giving us the chink-eye, we were pleased, to say the least. Relieved too, because we were exhausted from reading all of the lazy, unexamined responses to the chink-eye picture that told us to “lighten up” or that our eyes “really look like that” or that, apropos of nothing, we’re just mad because our dicks are so teeny. You see, therein lies the problem: when you have a really famous person doing a really racist gesture–and we can’t believe we have to spell this out in the year 2009–it opens the floodgates. It makes it okay to hate. It gives a greenlight to people to air out, inflate, and disseminate their prejudices with impunity.

But then we actually read your “apology”:

“Ive also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!

In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’!”

I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way!

You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like Ive owned up to them and apologized.

Anyway, I really wish everyone would stop focusing on my personal life and get back to focusing on what I love! Music and Acting! Hopefully, I will be touring again this fall! Yayy! =] It will be a nice change to be back out on the road again! xoxo Blessings.. Miley =)”

“Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!“?

Never begin an apology with “I’m sorry IF.” That makes it a conditional and half-assed. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry if I offended you. You think I offended you, but I don’t, and I refuse to think about this further because I’m right and you’re wrong. Who wants ice cream?” If you apologize, you have to own it.

Also, never lie in an apology. “I was simply making a goofy face.” No, you weren’t. You were giving us the chink-eye, an internationally-recognized symbol of unwelcome, like the reverse pineapple. The guy who’s making a peace sign and covering his mouth behind your hirsute boyfriend knows it. And your token Asian friend, who’s the only person not giving us the chink-eye because, deep down, underneath the hair product and the “I’m-just-happy-to-be-here” attitude, he understands on an inchoate level that you’re really laughing at him, and not with him…he knows it, too.

Furthermore, don’t leave things unsaid in an apology. If you’re going to blame the context, you’re obliged to provide the context. But in what context is giving the chink-eye acceptable? Are you going to feign like the Spanish Basketball Team and try to pass it off as a “loving” gesture? Were you and your friends doing an impromptu staging of Miss Saigon (we’ll admit we love that musical for the helicopter rescue)? Or were you just high, as a lot of people are saying you were? Marijuana is always a lousy excuse for bad behavior. And don’t hide behind the word “context.” Context doesn’t make it right.

How do we know so much about apologizing, when we’re so loath to do it? Well, we’ve had a lot of practice. And also, we’re Asian, and, like we said before, we excel at things because we don’t like to fuck up, make mistakes, and get sent down a horrible shame spiral. If you really want to be like us, Miley, get your fingers out of your eyes, and start doing the same.

love means never having to say you’re sorry in a half-assed way,

DISGRASIAN

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Filed under: Apologies, Ching-Chongery, Chink Eye, Half-Assed Things, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus Makes Fun of Asians, Public Apologies, Racist Gestures, This is Bullshit

We Got to Praysian Just to Make It Todaysian

Dear Fuck God,

First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.

Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.

Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.

Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”

Smoochles,
Heidi

Source Source Source Source Source Source Source Source Source Source

Filed under: Apologies, Chanel, Disappointing Your Parents, Douchebags, Fake Tits, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, John McCain, Martial Arts, Prayer Hands, Shameless Photo Ops, Spencer Pratt, The Fuck God

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy 52nd birthday to Hong Kong activist Leung Kwok-hung! You’ve spent many moons growing out that coif (we hear that you aren’t cutting it until China apologizes for the 1989 crackdown on the Tiananmen Square protests)– here’s hoping you have reason for a trim this year.

Source

Filed under: Activists, Apologies, Che Guevara, China, Coifs, Hong Kong, Leung Kwok-hung, Marxists, Tiananmen Square

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between

1. A Day Late and a Dollar Short
This is the theme of today’s Sports Illustrasian edition, because I meant to post yesterday but had my head too far up the fashism industry’s asshole. We’ve got so much to talk about…why don’t we start with the NBA? The first round of playoffs is over, so it’s time to review who came up short, why, and what needs to happen in the off-season.

a) Booyao!
Just look at that sad mug. Yao and T-Mac put up a good fight, but the Rockets simply didn’t have enough “O” against the Utah Jazz. My anxiety? The era of dominant center-basketball is almost done-zo. The next wave is all about speed–look at Phoenix, Golden State, Chicago, Cleveland (well, mostly LeBron), and even Detroit.

Off-season Priorities: Shopping for a third-scoring option. Running with cheetahs.

b) Rhymes with “Shitzki”
Dear Dirk, Love your game, and that you’re proof there a few white men left in the world who can jump, but, seriously, you choked in Game 6. Finishing 2-for-13 with eight points in an elimination game against the 8TH SEED? How do you say disgraceful in German?

Off-season Priorities: Polishing his MVP trophy while learning the English-language idiom, “in the clutch.”

c) Beef Boy Basketball
Nothing to add here, really, except…BU-HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA BU-HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAAAAAA!!!

Off-season Priorities: Acquiring teammates who know how to win. Acquiring a winning personality. Fah-reaking out as LeBron James blows up even more. Sulking.

2. Black or Green or Purple or Yellow or Whatever, The Schillster’s Always Good for a Soundbite
Yesterday morning on the radio, Curt Schilling ripped Barry Bonds for taking ‘roids, cheating on his wife and sullying the game of baseball. When asked about the racial divide among those who believe Bonds is a juicer and those who don’t, the Schillster said, “…I don’t care that he’s black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever. It’s unfortunate.”

After getting ripped himself by the media, the Schillster apologized to Balco Barry on his personal blog, 38pitches.com. Oh please. At least he had the balls to say what’s on most everyone else’s minds, as Bonds moves closer to faking history.

Source Source Source Source

Filed under: Apologies, Balls, Curt Schilling, Dirk Nowitzki, Fakery, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, Loudmouths, Meaningless Trophies, NBA, Steroids, Yao Ming