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Oh, how that sneaky Rep. Joseph Cao (R-LA) toys with our emotions! We never know how we’re gonna feel about him (okay, pretty sure we love the guy–but he sure can bum us out) on any given day. He’s always so full of surprises!
Earlier this week, during BP America President Lamar McKay‘s public shaming congressional testimony regarding the Gulf oil spill, Cao said what we’re sure lots of people are thinking, but would never say aloud:
“Mr. Stearn asked Mr. McKay to resign. In the Asian culture we do things differently. During the Samurai days, we would just give you a knife and ask you to commit Hari-Kari [sic]. My constituents are still debating on what they want me to ask you to do, but that being said, the cleaning up process has been a disgrace and the claims process has been dismal…”
Of course the comments were extreme and Cao has since stated that they were meant only to convey his level of frustration with BP, but dayum! We couldn’t have scripted his words better if we tried ( okay, we did try, but it wasn’t any better).
Rep. Joseph Barton (R-TX), on the other hand, did the opposite this week. When it was his turn to speak during BP CEO Tony Hayward’s public shaming congressional testimony, he said what nobody else would say aloud, and uh, NOBODY ELSE WAS THINKING:
Filed under: Apologies, BP, BP America President, BP CEO, Congressional Testimony, Culf Coast, Culf of Mexico, Gulf Coast Oil Spill, Gulf Coast Oil Spill Clean-up, Hardass Asian Politicians, Harikiri, Investigation, Joseph Barton Apologizes for Apologizing to BP, Joseph Barton Apologizes to BP, Joseph Cao, Lack of Preparasian, Lamar McKay, Louisiana, Political Suicide, Politicians, Public Apologies, Rep. Joseph Barton, Rep. Joseph Cao, Republicans, Ritual Suicide, Texas, Tony Hayward
Y’all know we’ve always thought Ann Curry was a robot. A really silky-voiced, smooth-skinned, awkward-dancing, non-aging robot programmed to never have her lipstick smudge and to have a fangirl’s devotion to Brad Pitt.
BUT WE WERE WRONG.
Because over the weekend, Ann Curry made a mistake. While giving the commencement address at Wheaton College in Massachusetts, she confused it with the Wheaton College in Illinois by citing the latter’s illustrious alumni, which include evangelist Billy Graham, director Wes Craven, and 9/11 hero Todd Beamer.
Proof positive that Ann is…human?
DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Read her charming apology here, where she asks for forgiveness twice and admits, “I am mortified by my mistake.” She may not be a robot, but feeling shame over making a very public mistake means she’s most definitely Asian.
Thanks, Shaheen and Dave!
Filed under: Admitting One's Mistakes, Ann Curry, Ann Curry Commencement Address Blunder, Ann Curry Graduation Speech Blunder, Anti-Agin' Asian, Apologies, Even Asians Make Mistakes, Mixed-Race People, Public Apologies, Robots, The Today Show
I never thought much of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews. Pretty, nice rack, whatever. Okay, okay, let me amend that–pretty, very nice rack…whatever.
The point is, I still got to “whatever.” Because Erin Andrews represents everything that’s cliché and uninteresting about sports to me. She’s the archetypal Hot Girl–blonde, leggy, and, again, racktastic–for dudes with no imagination. She’s also the (pin-up) poster girl for the gender inequality that pervades professional sports and its employment opportunities within, whether it’s in front of the camera, on a coaching staff, or on an executive level. Women need not apply to this good ol’ boy network–unless they’re sexy and most closely resemble the cheerleaders. Men, meanwhile, who do the same work that Andrews does, can be as dweeby (ahem, Ken Rosenthal) or as sartorially-challenged (hi, Craig Sager) or as overweight as they want (what’s up, Goose?) with impunity.
But Erin Andrews’ recent beef with The View‘s Elisabeth Hasselbeck–another female-in-sports archetype, aka The Quarterback’s Wife–a beef that, for the record, Hasselbeck started, has not only done away with my ambivalence towards Andrews, it’s also got me rooting for her. You see, Andrews has been a stalking victim twice in the last year. The first time, some perv filmed a Andrews through a peephole while she was naked in her hotel room, and then put the video online. The second time, she received emailed death threats. But she’s been in the news most recently because she’s a contestant on Dancing With the Stars, one of the final five, in fact. A week ago, Hasselbeck criticized the outfits Andrews wore on the show–the women’s outfits are typically skimpy–saying the ESPN reporter was wearing “next to nothing” while not-so-subtly playing the ol’ blaming-the-victim game:
Filed under: Apologies, Barbara Walters, Bithfights, Blame-y Bitches, Blaming the Victim, Boobs, Conservative Women, Dancing With the Stars, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Elisabeth Hasselbeck Apologizes to Erin Andrews, Elisabeth Hasselbeck Erin Andrews Feud, Erin Andrews, Erin Andrews Death Threats, Erin Andrews Stalker Victim, ESPN, Fake Apologies, Female Sportscasters, Nice Racks, The View
Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.
To recap, Tiger said he:
- has a lot to atone for
- doesn’t get to play by different rules
- brought shame to his family
- wants to live a life of integrity
- will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy
If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:
Filed under: Apologies, Atonement, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Kultida Woods, Public Apologies, Public Shaming, The PGA Tour, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals
John Mayer apologized on stage Wednesday night for saying some racially-fucked things in that now infamous Playboy interview–like calling a “hood pass” a “n*gger pass” and saying he has a “white supremacist dick”–and made a special point of saying sorry to his back-up band members, most of whom are black (awkward!). Although he said he was done being “witty” and “clever,” and repeated over and over that he just wants to “play my guitar,” dude couldn’t stop trying to be witty and clever for over three minutes:
As much as we love a real, honest-to-God apology…DUDE SHUT UP ALREADY.
And the colored girls go, “Doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-we’re-so-stoked-you-have-a-white-supremacist-dick-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo-keep-plugging-chicks-like-Jessica-Simpson-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-that-is-so-fine-with-us-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-your-emo-sensitive-boy-MeMeMe-patter-gives-us-a-rash-doo doo doo-dooooooooo…”
Often when we award the distinctive honor of DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, the offender’s biggest problem is that they are shameless about whatever shitty thing they’ve done.
This week, however, we recognize disgrace that has been acknowledged and loaded with a truckful of shame. As you may know, Toyota recently recalled eight auto models with brake pedal sticking problems, after a widely-publicized car crash took the lives of a CHP officer and his family.
Today, Toyota CEO of three months Akio Toyoda stood before the Japan National Press Club to deliver a most ashamed, sprawling, grief-laden public apology.
A little more than three months after assuming his post, the president of Toyota, the world’s biggest automaker, recited a long list of mea culpas to astonished reporters at the Japan National Press Club.
Filed under: Absolute Shame, Apologies, Economic Crisis, Fatal Car Crash CHP Officer, Global Economics, Japan National Press Club, Lexus, Public Apologies, Salvasian, Shame, Toyota, Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda, Toyota President Apologizes, Toyota Recall
Did too many of Tiger’s low-rent mistresses rise up to tell their tales? Did enough of his sponsors threaten to drop him? We’ll never know. But one of the world’s greatest atheletes has decided to step away from professional golf to focus, finally, on the shit circus that is his life:
I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.
I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.
Filed under: Affairs, Apologies, Dayum, Detroying Your Family, Disrespecting Your Wife, Fucking Around, Fuckups, Golf, Hiatus, Homewrecks, Indefinite Hiatus, Infidelity, Life As A Circus, Low-rentitude, Mistresses, Never the Same, Professional Athletes, Sadness, Tiger Woods, Whoopsieeee
It was announced today that Lucie Kim’s $4 million dollar lawsuit against Miley Cyrus–which we knew in our hearts she would never win–was thrown out by Los Angeles judge Robert Sohigian today.
Sohigian “was not convinced Cyrus had violated a state law protecting citizens from discrimination by businesses,” and tossed the case without so much as a stern talking-to about social responsibility, the significance of buck-teef and slit eyes, or a verbal list of things that toothy, chubby-faced Disney troll-models should not do…especially in front of cameras.
So it’s likely that what Cyrus will take away from this experience is a big, fat PHEW! And a cheerful reminder that when you’re famous, you can do really stupid, shitty, racist crap and never, ever be sorry for it.
Thanks, Jasmine and Kelly!
Filed under: $4 million Lawsuit, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Apologies, Bad Judgment, Fuck 'Em All, Lawsuits, Los Angeles, Lucie Kim, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus is a Disease, Miley Cyrus Lawsuit, Not Sorry, Robert Sohigian
When Serena Williams apologized Monday to the lines judge whose “fucking throat” she wanted to shove a “fucking ball” down after the judge called Serena on a foot-fault in her U.S. Open semifinal against Kim Clijsters, she went so far as to say, “I would like to give (the lines judge) a big ol’ hug.”
It seems unnecessary at this point to remind you that you are a douche. It also seems pointless to ask if you’ve been taking lessons from that other loudmouth with no fuckin’ shame, Joe Wilson. Frankly, it’s clear that you’re an asshole with a God complex. That’s your “thing.” You behave as though–simply because you are a successful music and pop culture maker–you contribute something truly significant to society, and might actually matter long after we all turn into carbon matter and dust. Oh man, we hope you take disappointment well.
But let’s talk about last night’s assface behavior. What you did to that sweetheart girl, Taylor Swift, during her one joyous moment accepting the MTV Award for “Best Female Video,” was absolutely deplorable.
The look on her face after you scramble off stage is absolutely heartbreaking. You are an asshole, yes. But more importantly, you’re cruel. You are a cruel mother fucker.
But far worse than your awards show behavior, it seems, is your apology.
As you know, we’re real sticklers on apologies. We’re also huge proponents of avoiding Inernet acronyms (and aggressive ellipses, for that matter), as well as unlocking caps when trying to express something–like sorrow or sorry–with some level of sincerity.
A real apology is not rattled off in powder-blue font on your blog. A real apology is not made up of jumbled nonsense. More importantly, when you apologize to Taylor, don’t ramble [again] about how much greater Beyonce’s video was. In fact, leave Beyonce out of this! Stop fucking bringing her into your weird, convoluted world of drama, you dick!
Here’s our suggestion. Write a new apology (and we mean really write it, with a pen, on a card), and mail it (with a stamp) to Taylor.
It should read:
Words cannot describe how ashamed I feel for interrupting you during your acceptance speech last night. I was out of line and I am deeply sorry. I am truly sorry.
I realize that I ruined one of the greatest moments of your life, and left you hurt and uncomfortable. I can never make that up to you, but I will certainly try.
Lastly, I know that I am not God. I have said that you are talented, but you don’t need my blessing to receive the “Best Female Video” award. You completely deserve it.
Please accept my humble apology. I hope we can be friends.
And this time, when you say you’re sorry, you should mean it.
Asians hate apologizing. Because it means we have to admit we were wrong. And we hate being wrong as much as we hate apologizing, which is why we excel at stuff to painstakingly avoid it. Our parents also never taught us the distinction between apologizing and flogging ourselves; when we were wrong as kids, we’d have to apologize for the ages. Literally. Like for stuff we did years ago, that we had already apologized for, not to mention the stuff we did five minutes ago. Then we’d have to admit that we fucked up not because, y’know, we occasionally dabbled in bad behavior or that we were, um, children, but because of some deep dark character flaw that we would have to spend the rest of our lives rectifying. Which then sent us into some horrible shame spiral about our “true” selves. It was all very grim, punishing, and Catholic, like Meryl Streep’s character in the movie Doubt, but if it taught us one thing, it was that WE. ALWAYS. HAVE. TO. DO. BETTER.
All this is just to say that we get how hard it is to say you’re sorry. It’s so much easier to, like, shoot an elephant. So when we heard this morning that you’d apologized for giving us the chink-eye, we were pleased, to say the least. Relieved too, because we were exhausted from reading all of the lazy, unexamined responses to the chink-eye picture that told us to “lighten up” or that our eyes “really look like that” or that, apropos of nothing, we’re just mad because our dicks are so teeny. You see, therein lies the problem: when you have a really famous person doing a really racist gesture–and we can’t believe we have to spell this out in the year 2009–it opens the floodgates. It makes it okay to hate. It gives a greenlight to people to air out, inflate, and disseminate their prejudices with impunity.
But then we actually read your “apology”:
“Ive also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context!
In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy? It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked! I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’!”
I feel like now that Britney is back on top of her game again, they need someone to pick on! Lucky me! haha Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know what is on my heart. You guys know me and have been by my side every step of the way!
You guys know my heart and know the most important things to me are my friends, family, fans, and GOD! In NO WAY do I want to disappoint any of you! But, when I have made mistakes in the past, I feel like Ive owned up to them and apologized.
Anyway, I really wish everyone would stop focusing on my personal life and get back to focusing on what I love! Music and Acting! Hopefully, I will be touring again this fall! Yayy! =] It will be a nice change to be back out on the road again! xoxo Blessings.. Miley =)”
Never begin an apology with “I’m sorry IF.” That makes it a conditional and half-assed. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry if I offended you. You think I offended you, but I don’t, and I refuse to think about this further because I’m right and you’re wrong. Who wants ice cream?” If you apologize, you have to own it.
Also, never lie in an apology. “I was simply making a goofy face.” No, you weren’t. You were giving us the chink-eye, an internationally-recognized symbol of unwelcome, like the reverse pineapple. The guy who’s making a peace sign and covering his mouth behind your hirsute boyfriend knows it. And your token Asian friend, who’s the only person not giving us the chink-eye because, deep down, underneath the hair product and the “I’m-just-happy-to-be-here” attitude, he understands on an inchoate level that you’re really laughing at him, and not with him…he knows it, too.
Furthermore, don’t leave things unsaid in an apology. If you’re going to blame the context, you’re obliged to provide the context. But in what context is giving the chink-eye acceptable? Are you going to feign like the Spanish Basketball Team and try to pass it off as a “loving” gesture? Were you and your friends doing an impromptu staging of Miss Saigon (we’ll admit we love that musical for the helicopter rescue)? Or were you just high, as a lot of people are saying you were? Marijuana is always a lousy excuse for bad behavior. And don’t hide behind the word “context.” Context doesn’t make it right.
How do we know so much about apologizing, when we’re so loath to do it? Well, we’ve had a lot of practice. And also, we’re Asian, and, like we said before, we excel at things because we don’t like to fuck up, make mistakes, and get sent down a horrible shame spiral. If you really want to be like us, Miley, get your fingers out of your eyes, and start doing the same.
love means never having to say you’re sorry in a half-assed way,
Dear Fuck God,
First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.
Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.
Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.
Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”
Filed under: Apologies, Chanel, Disappointing Your Parents, Douchebags, Fake Tits, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, John McCain, Martial Arts, Prayer Hands, Shameless Photo Ops, Spencer Pratt, The Fuck God