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Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.
It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops). The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.
NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!
I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:
Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream
ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History
Filed under: Ali Lohan, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Black Card Abuse, Carvel Black Card, Carvel Black Cards Are Amazing, Carvel FTW, Carvel Ice Cream, Celebrity Mom, Dina Lohan, Dina Lohan Makes Us Hurl, Discounts, Embarrassing, Freebie, Lindsay Lohan, Low-rentitude, Pathetic, Playing The Victim, Public Humiliation, Public Shaming, Shameful Behavior, Sublebrities, The Lohan Family, The Lohans, Time To Call It
How can one celebutard–who knows full well how closely her words are parsed–commit two Twit faux pas in one week?
What we’re referring to is handing off her blackberry to a friend who apparently shouted out himself in no uncertain terms: Continue reading DISGWITTER OF THE WEAK! Lindsay Lohan
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, BBC, Blackberry, Celebrity Twitter, Celebutards, Friends Suck, Human Trafficking, India, N word, Stupid Things Celebrities Say, Trivializasian, Tweets, Twitter
It was announced today that Lucie Kim’s $4 million dollar lawsuit against Miley Cyrus–which we knew in our hearts she would never win–was thrown out by Los Angeles judge Robert Sohigian today.
Sohigian “was not convinced Cyrus had violated a state law protecting citizens from discrimination by businesses,” and tossed the case without so much as a stern talking-to about social responsibility, the significance of buck-teef and slit eyes, or a verbal list of things that toothy, chubby-faced Disney troll-models should not do…especially in front of cameras.
So it’s likely that what Cyrus will take away from this experience is a big, fat PHEW! And a cheerful reminder that when you’re famous, you can do really stupid, shitty, racist crap and never, ever be sorry for it.
Thanks, Jasmine and Kelly!
Filed under: $4 million Lawsuit, Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Apologies, Bad Judgment, Fuck 'Em All, Lawsuits, Los Angeles, Lucie Kim, Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Miley Cyrus is a Disease, Miley Cyrus Lawsuit, Not Sorry, Robert Sohigian
In my most shameful of moments, I once received a boot on my car.
And, okay, it wasn’t that long ago.
Fine, FINE. I deserved it. I’d racked up about five parking tickets in one month, and each little slip quickly got lost somewhere in my junk mail, or my trunk, or my purse–every one of them crispy with dried coffee stains and dirty from, ah, me stamping them with fury into the ground. Out of sight, out of my busy muthafuckin’ mind! I kinda assumed that the parking gods would just take care of it and I wouldn’t have to pony up $160 overdue bucks a pop.
Wrongo! They didn’t. So one day, I got the boot.
Now here’s the thing. I’m troublesome, but I never get in trouble–and certainly, not with the LAW. This was the worst moment of my life. I felt like a criminal. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. Was this going on my permanent record? Would I have to pay my fines or face jail? Do they flog you when they return to remove the boot? Why was it so ORANGE? Where was my lawyer? Was I a bad person now?
And my gosh, the large orange mark of shame somehow negated all of the coolness of my slick black car paint and rad Steelers license plate frame! ACK!
Most importantly: WOULD THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BOOT TELL MY PARENTS (who I haven’t lived with since age 17)?!??!
I called the number, my heart racing. The mean old lady on the phone told me come down to some super-secret government/law/prison/clerical (it all sounds the same to me) office, where I would meet my reckoning.
Immediately, I raced to my closet, trying to imagine the outfit that would best convey my a) intense, due shame b) willingness to turn my life around c) overall good citizenship and d) inability (okay, lack of desire) to pay the fines in full. After much deliberation, I landed on a modest, sensible, not-too-luxe getup that screamed “I’m a non-profit librarian and devoted disadvantaged youth volunteer!”
I showed up at the office–which turned out to be administrative, with no armed guards flanking the entrance. I took a number, walked up to the window, gave her a bunch of money. The (different) mean lady at the window informed me that the boot would soon be taken off, and I was all set–I would not be arrested or even given a talking-to by the police. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the orange boot of shame was gone–like a whisper in the wind.
I can’t help but think that dressing the part, showing how ashamed I was for being bad, kinda stood for something. Sure, the responsible garb didn’t garner any discount from The Man that day, nor did it save me from a ritual beating (shockingly, people don’t get beaten over parking tickets–although maybe they should?), but it did tacitly express deep remorse for my wrongdoings when I walked into the building. That counts, somehow. At a certain point, we’ve got to just tuck our tail between our legs, bow our heads, and admit that we’ve done something wrong. We’re not loud and proud and wrong, we’re just wrong. That makes it, y’know, better.
Perhaps this is why, when I eyed Lindsay Lohan’s “look” for her court appearance last week (to discuss violation of her probation), I was taken aback.
Who appears before a judge looking like…
Moreover, a not sorry one?
Fortunately, for Lindsay, celebrities don’t have to be sorry. We’ll still keep “rooting for them” and extending their probation.
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Being Wrong, Beyond Shame, Grandmas, Gremlin Grip, Hardass Asian Parents, Law Breaking Doesn't Pay, Lindsay Lohan, Shameful Behavior, The Man, Ways to Not Look Sorry
Have y’all checked out Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blogzzZZzzzZzz, GOOP? Y’know, a Paltrow P.O.V. guide to dressing appropriately, eating well, rocking hip tunes, throwing wonderful dinner parties, and having dear friends with cool jobs (like chefs and directors).
It’s awful. So awful. And hey, this is coming from a die-hard subscriber to Martha Stewart Living (seriously… it’s so good), yoga addict, shoe fiend–a person, one could argue, that should be having joyous convulsions over such a site right this very minute.
But GOOP is gross–as smug as the actress herself, and perhaps even less interesting. Whether she’s touting a pedestrian list of party songs or listing kid-friendly restaurants like, uh, Chicago’s NoMI (where I almost had a very ugly incident with glass sculpture once), it’s really a blasé bunch of scribblings that not-so-subtly nods to the wonderful life that Paltrow leads–the fabulous friends, so-very-down-to-earth perspective, glamorous day job, eloquent vocabulary…zzZZZzZzzzzZz. It’s inaccessible, really, and not particularly insightful.
Still, she underscores the site’s presence with the logline: “nourish the inner aspect,” a Hindu phrase that recently came under public criticism via religious scholar Rajan Zed.
From Contact Music:
U.S. Hindu leader Rajan Zed suggests the movie star should take the trouble to learn more about the ancient religion before using taglines like “nourish the inner aspect” on her website. Zed fears Paltrow is leading impressionable minds astray by suggesting her weekly musings are deep and philosophical – and then just writing about material, “external” matters.
He says, “There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self.
“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ – in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men.”
Hunh. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Oh wait, yes we could:
The actress needs to just stop writing.
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hateful People, Hinduism, Lifestyle Blogs, Martha Stewart, Nourish the Inner Aspect, Rajan Zed, Religious Scholars, Tweezerman, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
There’s just something about hearing a
celebutard drive-bi actress mutter about how great it is to have elected “our first colored president”…
…that makes me think we shouldn’t ask celebrities to talk about politics.
And here I’ve been holding out for 2011 to enjoy the joyous, slightly-epileptic, seemingly-possessed kung-fu poses of Jack Black on the Red Carpet!
for ‘Kung Fu Panda’ at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre
Lesson learned: Why wait for a film sequel when there are, uh, red carpet events to celebrate just about anything! Like, um, DVD releases?