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Happy birthday to Angelina Jolie, who turns 35 Friday!
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she’s aging well.
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she likes reading Asian languages.
Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she sounds a little Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie
Filed under: Adopted Moms, Adoption is the New Black, Adoptive Parents, Angelina Jolie, Birthdays, Brangelina, Hardass Asian Adopter Moms, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien, The Jolie-Pitts
In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:
“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”
Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…
Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!
*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.
Filed under: "Bill", Adoption, Amazian Jr., Angelina, Angelina Jolie, anonymity, Brad Pitt, Chinese Exclusion Act 1882, Hardass Asian Moms, I Call Bullshit, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, In Touch Magazine, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Mental Abuse, Pax Thien, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Yeah Yeah
Hmmm… bet somebody‘s happy that the Saints won the Super Bowl!!!
And by “somebody,” I mean every person in America except for the Colts, people that don’t believe in dinosaurs, grouchy Indianapolis mathball devotees, whoever Reggie Bush dumped to bang Kim Kardashian, folks that don’t care about Black people New Orleans, a couple of sour Vikings fans, Tim Tebow, jerkoffs, assholes, and strange hard-nosed people like my sister who show their conviction during the most curious of times, declaring “AFC all the way!!!!” and rooting for the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV even though we–as Steelers lovers–spend every waking moment during the rest of the season hoping for their failure.
So yeah, somebody is totally fucking thrilled!
Filed under: AFC, Angelina Jolie, Bourbon Street, Brad Pitt, Celebrities At Sporting Events, George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, Indianapolis Colts, Kim Kardashian, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans, New Orleans Saints, NFC Victory, Party Time, Reggie Bush, Saints Beat Colts, Saints Win Super Bowl, Scott Fujita, Super Bowl 44, Super Bowl XLIV, Thrilling Outcomes, Tim Tebow
“Eat this, Suri Cruise! I’m lookin’ fly on the red carpet! You think you’re so bad in your high heels? My sisters wear ties and hats and exercise pants and maxi dresses. And I am rocking this scarf and chapeau at the ‘Invictus’ premiere better than a veteran director at the Cannes film festival. You’ve been to Cannes, right? Wait–do you speak French yet? I do. I’ll translate: Cannes is French for “WE JOLIE-PITTS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU.”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cannes, Children That Dress Like Adults, Cute Kids, Cute-Offs, Famous Offspring, French, Live From the Red Carpet, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Men In Hats, Our Progeny Are Just Cuter--Deal With It, Precocious Younguns, Suri Cruise High Heels, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Throwdowns
“Dude. WTF happened? One minute, I’m on the hottest television show of all time and married to the hottest man in the universe. And the next, I’m forty, single, my ovaries are drying up, and I’m driving a motherfucking rickshaw. I knew I should’ve become a Scientologist when I had the chance. FML”
Pro-woman scholar (we try not to use the “f” word, as in f*minist, here at DISGRASIAN) Naomi Wolf penned an essay for this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar, stating her case for why Angelina Jolie’s life is not only intriguing but admirable (and, um, pro-woman), her sphere of influence so very big and round.
Immediately after the article surfaced, scattered voices across the Interwebz snorted and scoffed. Jezebel, whose writers were shamed by Wolf after making asses of themselves on Lizz Winstead’s TV show, responded, predictably, very flatly. But perhaps that’s because Angie doesn’t inebriate as much as she did in her twenties, and only appears to fuck one person at the moment (how conventional!).
However, Double XX also found Wolf’s commentary absurd. The Washington Post‘s Liz Kelly found that the evaluation was downright anti-f*minist. And the celebrity blogs seemed to all share one snarky, repulsed, collective sniff.
So here I am, sitting quietly behind my laptop at DISGRASIAN HQ, wondering why I seem to be the only person that didn’t have that negative reaction. Am I some kind of sucker? Am I, like all those average girls, desperately in lust with Jolie’s pillow lips? And so ignorant of the world’s goings-on that I think she’s also some kind of brilliant saint (Wow, what’s Darfur!?)? Am I just soooo wishing that I was playing house with Brad Pitt? Do I secretly want to be really skinny with veiny alien forearms and big ol’ lady cans?
I don’t have a problem with Angie. I like her. I have seen her present some twisted, brilliant performances (Hello, Girl Interrupted!) and some incredibly fun ones (Gear-shifting in Gone in Sixty Seconds? Bending bullets in Wanted? Come on!). I appreciate the fact that she’s gone from Hollywood bebe to angry tween to escapist user to beautiful freak to self-taught scholar to loving mom, all seemingly without a life coach. I feel like she’s gone through some fucked-up shit, and she’s found the very best way to hold it together–which is to focus (even to the point of vomit) on improving the world she lives in.
Listen: from my experience, I don’t expect a lot from actors (or celebrities in general), save for they be really crazy, entirely full of themselves, convinced that they’re funny, dripping with bad house-decorating taste, and mostly intolerable to be around. If they do anything beyond that, like READ A BOOK, or do U.N. Ambassador work, I’m duly impressed.
Okay, okay. Let’s be real. Look at these cute fuckin’ kids:
ANGELINA: Because it’s cute, Mad.
MADDOX: It’s not cute. It’s more like–um, what’s the word I’m looking for–oh right…stupid.
ANGELINA: You don’t really believe that! (to self) Remember to smile, remember to smile, paparazzi everywhere. (back to Maddox) Why would you say that? Do you want to match Daddy, too? Is that it? You know we could run out and get you your own newsboy cap–
MADDOX: Ack! Mom! Seriously. That hat is gay.
ANGELINA: Mad, we don’t say things like “that hat is gay.” We’re a progressive, multiracial, multinational family, from all different socio-economic strata, and we are tolerant regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation. (to self) Don’t look pissed-off and hormonal. Don’t give anyone the death-glare. Look happy.
MADDOX: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through all this.
ANGELINA: How would you like it if somebody said, “That hat’s so boat people”?
MADDOX: I wouldn’t care, because I’ve never been on a boat that wasn’t a yacht, and we have a private jet. Which reminds me, why did we have to fly commercial to Japan?
ANGELINA: Because, honey, we’re just like everyone else. No better, no worse. And sometimes we have to fly commercial to prove that. Just like sometimes we have to carry our own luggage and strap on our own children to our chests with our own Baby Bjorns. (to self) See, world? We’re just like you. Look how we hold our own children’s hands!
MADDOX: Ow, Mom! Speaking of hands, do you think you could ease up on mine a little?
ANGELINA: Sure thing, sweet-pea.
MADDOX: Why do we have, like, 8 people with us on the plane if they don’t carry our stuff for us when the paparazzi are around?
ANGELINA: Because not everyone has 8 people around them at all times to carry their stuff for them. And we don’t want people to think we’re better than them. Because we’re not. We’re a normal family who happens to be better looking than everyone else and makes tons more money, but other than that, we’re just people. (to self) Hear that, everybody? We’re just like you. We relate. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful.
MADDOX: Whatever. Dad and Knox’s hats are still gay.
ANGELINA: (to self) La-di-da, isn’t life grand? I’m not mad because I’ve lost every award to that pale, babbling, criminal-dater Anne Hathaway! It’s just an honor to be nominated. And to have a beautiful husband and beautiful children! Not to mention beautiful boobs! And to be an ambassador for goodwill and peace and…and orphans! Look at my adorable orphans–and, no, I’m not talking about my beautiful boobs! We could do a production of Annie right here in Narita. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be suuuuuunnnnn!
Filed under: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, Knox and Vivienne, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Matchy-Matchy Nightmares, Photo Op Victims, The Changeling, Zahara Jolie-Pitt
If I read another boo-hoo out of you (“Vogue, I can’t buh-lieve what uncool Angelina said in another magazine!” “EW, I can’t buh-lieve Vogue printed what I said about Angelina! It’s not like everybody’s slobbering in wait for me to breathe the word Ang–” “I’m the victim here!”) I promise that I will send each one of my overbearing, stubborn, outspoken aunts out to your house to hunt you down and give you a good old-fashioned Hardass Asian talking to.
Y’know. Like the kind you get when you’re getting divorced and they explain to you that you’ve suddenly made it everyone’s dishonor problem.
Y’know. Like when they tell you that your career goals of becoming an engineer are stupid and worthless, and that if you loved anybody but yourself, you would just go to medical school like your mother wanted you to.
Y’know. Like when they say that you should exercise more. Because you look fat.
They’re mean as hell. But they’re honest.
Trust me, at the end, you won’t feel pretty, you won’t feel cool, you won’t feel good about the fact that you’re still dating that cooz John Mayer–but you will understand (hopefully) that there’s no pride in airing your relationship dirty laundry through PR channels over the course of five years. That in order to maintain your dignity you’ve can’t cry out loud–just keep it inside, and hold your head up high, and make a goddamn good movie for Chrissake.
Please. Have a little pride.
Angelina Jolie went toy shopping with Maddox recently in New Orleans, an outing that sparked… pregnancy rumors. X17 published the photos with the headline, “Could Angie Be Preggers Again Already?”, and claimed that she was sporting a “tiny little bump.”
Um, exqueeze me?!
If what everyone else on planet Earth would call a flat stomach is now considered a “bump,” I really need an abortion.
The Internet is just buzzing today with the “news” that Angelina Jolie is miraculously shedding her baby weight by doing virtual Pilates on her kids’ Nintendo PS.
From the SF Gate:
A family insider reveals, “The kids were convincing her that video games were more than just fun. They explained to her that you can do anything from practice math to learn to read music and exercise.“
“She tries to get in an hour of Pilates three times a week. She’s picking it up pretty quickly and is already at the hardest setting.”
Jesus H., does this “family insider” have something to learn or what? Aside from cultivating yet another obnoxious Hollywood lie (not unlike “I just lose all the chub running around with my kids!”), purporting that Jolie would strive to do low-rent Pilates on the “hardest setting” instead of get a trainer, and that her kids would bother to use their game console to “practice math or read music” as opposed to “shoot shit up“–it’s sloppy, just sloppy.
Seen in the German edition of Vanity Fair:
“For me, our family is just what America is – a melting pot, a mixture of many different races and nations,” she says. “My children should be proud of their Asian and African roots, but that in no way means [is] a lack of respect for the fact that they and their parents are Americans.”
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.
But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.
But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”
Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.