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DISGRASIAN EXCLUSIVE: Interview with The Filipino Monkey

January 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Since January 7, when Iranian speedboats were reported harassing U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz and a voice identified as “The Filipino Monkey” told our Navy ships over the radio that “You will explode after…minutes,” DISGRASIAN (as well as Navy and Pentagon officials) has been working tirelessly to track down that little troublemaker. Not to beat our own flat chests, but after calling in a few favors and getting some muckety-muck friends of ours to pull major strings (we’re not at liberty to say how), we located the Filipino Monkey in hiding and iChatted with him about what really happened.

DISGRASIAN: Hey dude. So, like, were you or were you not on one of those Iranian speedboats?

FILIPINO MONKEY: I was not.

DISGRASIAN: So then you think it’s cool to punk the U.S. Navy? And to help start a war with Iran? What the hell is wrong with you? Did your grandmother beat you over the head with a hairbrush when you were a child?

FILIPINO MONKEY: No, no, no. This is all a terrible misunderstanding. [starts sobbing]

DISGRASIAN: Hey, hey. Cut the crybaby nonsense. Tell us what really happened.

FILIPINO MONKEY: [sniffs, gets shit together] I am a star. No one knows it yet, but I know it in my heart of hearts, that’s all that matters. My dream has always been to become the next…American Idol. But I am all the way out here in the Middle East, so far away. Sometimes I would sit by the water to get inspiration for my music, and I would always see these big American ships pass by, and I thought, maybe I can hide myself on one of these ships and get to your country to see the love of my life, Ms. Paula Abdul, in the flesh.

DISGRASIAN: Eww…we mean, uh, go on.

FILIPINO MONKEY: But that did not come to pass, so then I had this stupid stupid idea to buy a VHF radio and sing my music into it. And perhaps someone passing by might hear my velvety voice–my influences are Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, and Jeff Buckley–and say, My God, who is this man? His voice has been touched by angels! And then they would go to America and tell Paula Abdul and she would bring me over and we would fall in love and make beautiful brown children.

DISGRASIAN: Okay! New subject. You know, a lot of people are wondering why you call yourself the Filipino Monkey.

FILIPINO MONKEY: I thought it was an excellent stage name. Plus, Filipino entertainers are hot right now–like Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Minnillo, Nicole Scherzinger–and I wanted to be part of the zeitgeist. If I say I am Middle Eastern, everyone will think I am a terrorist. Terrorists are not hot.

Anyway, about 10 days ago, I was just sitting by the water, minding my own business, lost in my dreams, and I began to sing a new song I wrote for my love Paula. It is what they like to call “a slow jam.” Are you familiar with “slow jams”?

DISGRASIAN: Yeah and, again, eww.

FILIPINO MONKEY: May I sing it for you now?

DISGRASIAN: Go for it. [Diana and Jen cover their iChat camera and whisper simultaneously, OMG! WTF?]

FILIPINO MONKEY: Okay. Here goes:

Hey Paula
I’m coming to you
I’ma coming to you
yes I’m coming to you

Hey Paula
Didja know it was me
Didja see it was me
Can’tcha see that it’s me?

When I come to Hollywood and find you
My love will forever bind you
In a thousand knots I think I’ll find you

When I’m coming to you, you won’t resist
You’ll take off my clothes and explo-o-o-o-o-ode
after just a few…minutes

Yeah yeah
hmm-mmm hmm-mmm
mmmmm

DISGRASIAN: [coughing fits]

FILIPINO MONKEY: What did you think? You guys are in Hollywood…could you put in a good word for me to Ms. Paula Abdul? Please, pretty please, with sugar on top?

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Hady Mirza

December 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Hady “Hottie” Mirza

Occupation: Singer

Known for: Becoming the first Asian Idol winner, beating out 5 contestants from Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Vietnam and India who had all won Idol contests in their home countries, reprzntin’ for Singapore…yeow!

On a slightly more somber note, Hady’s win reminds us that there will be nothing on television in ’08 but American Idol. Perhaps now would be a good time to start a new hobby, like reading or soapmaking.

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When Worlds Collide: Sanjaya And Janice Dickinson

October 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


SANJAYA MALAKAR: Your hair looks so shiny.

JANICE DICKINSON: Yes, it does. Look at the camera–not directly at the camera, but just beyond the camera. Relax your neck a little.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: Don’t you think my hair looks shiny too? I think we might go to the same stylist.

JANICE DICKINSON: I doubt that.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: But I mean, it looks good, right?

JANICE DICKINSON: Listen kid, I don’t give a shit about your hair.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: This hair made me famous!

JANICE DICKINSON: You bitch, you are not famous.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: I am famous! I was on American Idol!

JANICE DICKINSON: You didn’t win. That kid with the frosty tips won. Or that robust girl.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: [Miffed] I was the people’s choice!

JANICE DICKINSON: Did you win an award?

SANJAYA MALAKAR: …

JANICE DICKINSON: God, kid, just part your lips and take the picture.

SANJAYA MALAKAR: You’re not even a model anymore.

JANICE DICKINSON: Are you kidding me? I was the first super–

SANJAYA MALAKAR: Supermodel? Whatever, bitch. You’re a has-been.

JANICE DICKINSON: You’re a never-was!

SANJAYA MALAKAR: You’re a never-was, bitch!

JANICE DICKINSON: I’ll pull your fucking hair out, bitch!

SANJAYA MALAKAR: Don’t! No!

JANICE DICKINSON: [grabs for tufts] You’re going down, you little coont!

SANJAYA MALAKAR: [sobbing] Stop it!!! No!!! I am America’s sweetheart! I AM AMERICA’S SWEETHEART!

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When Worlds Collide

May 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Sanjaya Malakar and Aerosmith’s Joe Perry performing together during the American Idol finale

Sanjaya: Wow! That rocked! You can play back-up for me any time. Yeah!

Joe Perry: Uhhdassuzvcxhue Sureasrsse.

Sanjaya: Like, seriously, that was SO great. I think I’ve gotten WAY better.

Joe Perry: Riacmkxaejg;lt.

Sanjaya: I know, right?

Joe Perry: Yodfjfjkjklssre adursn Iddidasfsjncv;.

Sanjaya: I’m such a big fan of Boston, man. I’m really sorry about your lead singer.

Joe Perry: Whadia;ijta;s;a/? WEjfasdkldfe Ae’asdfdsklzeith!

Sanjaya: I had a pet hamster, Carlos, who died.

Joe Perry: Gg5fhxc7mcxjcjet! DId;jdfkdasfjbt yeifvuc fucsdfmnng h;eaefedau r mdes?

Sanjaya: Car-los.

Joe Perry: Jezjisebgsas.

Sanjaya: I’m having a really hard time hearing you. The applause for me is so loud.
Hey–does your band need a new lead singer?

Joe Perry: I tilajkachzsdjkh he;jlcsa;h noi;dts dea;ljafdsd!! IDIOT!!!

Sanjaya: Dude. I made the same girl cry. Again. How much do I rock?

Joe Perry: @@@@#####****&&&@&%*###!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SNEWS

May 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzZz
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzz
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ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz…

…wha?…hurhm?….five more minutes…ZzzZZzzz….wha wha whoa. So sorry! I must have fallen asleep at my computer. Big news this week in reality television. Apolo Ohno won Dancing with the Stars, beating out the Fat One. Now all Apolo needs to do is focus on Vancouver 2010, and getting the rest of those pubes waxed off his chin. I know an excellent Russian lady in Bev Hills who will do the trick.

American Idol also staged their finals this week, where ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZzzzzzzzZZZzzzzzzz
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….

..five more minutes goddamit!…ZzzzZzzzZZz…hello? Mom, am I late for school?…zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…..I’m up, I’m up! Where’s my…oh. My bad. It appears I fell asleep at my computer again and now there’s drool under my keyboard. What was I saying? Oh right. Jordin Sparks won AI last night. Woohoo. Let’s put our hands together for the new Mandy Moore of color. Cuz that’s what we need in this world…two Mandy zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZzz…

“Why do we smile so much? We have no fucking clue!”

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Baby’s Got the Benz

May 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Sanjaya Malakar recently told E! Online that his intent to sing Janis Joplin’s Mercedes Benz during the American Idol “country” competition was snuffed, due to the fact that Idol is sponsored by Ford.

All I can say is: thank god. If Malakar had uttered one note of that brilliant woman’s folk classic… I would have shaved my hair, tattooed “I give the fuck up” across my face, and vomited jelly beans all over myself in my sleep.

So thank you, Ford. Thank you.

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Seasons Change, People Change

May 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

DListed dug up this drag show performance of a DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Famer we haven’t seen in a while (and quite frankly, we’ve been missing)–Sanjaya Malakar.

It’s been a month since you tearfully sang your sad goodbye to the American Idol stage, so let’s assess the progress: Still talentless, still knobby-kneed, still sporting that ridiculous bob–oh and still denying that you are a woman.

Most importantly, STILL A DISGRASIAN! Thanks for staying.

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Let This Be a Lesson to Cokeheads and Bell-Bottom Pant-Wearers the World Over

May 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

LaKisha Jones (a badassss blaxploitasian name if I ever heard one) said goodbye to American Idol last night, but not before singing “Stayin’ Alive” and high-fiving this adorable Asian nerd.
I have to admit, I got a little teary during LaKisha’s farewell. I think I was probably suffering from PTSD after seeing Barry Gibb sing “To Love Somebody.”

Ravaged by Disco

Holy Mother of Barry. Is that really you, Gibby? Aren’t you a quadrillionaire? How expensive these days are upper lips, hair plugs, and opaque shirts that hide your gut and your sad, old nipples? I…I…

I gotta go put on the Chambers Brothers version of “To Love Somebody” to exorcise this memory. Or the Nina Simone version. Or the Billy Corgan version even. Shit, I’ll listen to Michael Fucking Bolton to numb the pain.

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Source: Fox

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Fagtasy Idol

April 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Booted American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar tells People this week that he “understand(s) women,” gets along with us better than men, but is NOT GAY.

Sanjaya, you dear, sweet Gaysian. Let me tell you how life after Idol is supposed to go down:

You kiss gloomy Seattle goodbye and, for fear of turning into a pillar of Gore-Tex, never look back, then you move to New York, make a very quiet splash on Broadway–in Rent, Wicked, Hairspray, take your pick–learn the meaning of the word “fierce,” record a shitty album that goes triple-platinum, befriend an Olsen, develop a coke habit, flunk out of rehab, become Marc Jacobs’ new boy toy, become a huge raging bitch drunk on your newfound fame, did someone say drunk?–get a DUI, go on a fad diet, refuse to sign autographs for 9 year-old girls anymore, laugh in derision when they cry, start wearing heels, take over Page Six with your high-heeled, table-dancing club antics, flash your junk to the paparazzi while tumbling out of a town car on your way to slurp champagne and oysters at Balthazar, return to rehab, date another reality TV star whose name is “Lane,” fall madly in love, move to L.A. for your careers, to a treehouse off of Laurel Canyon, have a well-publicized commitment ceremony with white orchids everywhere and Paula Abdul and your busty sister serving as bridesmaids (you, of course, are the bride), adopt a Chinese baby, become a humanitarian, hit the gay-rights lecture circuit, win some awards lauding your courage of conviction.

If you’re really not gay, Sanjaya, then nothing in this fagtasy will come true. Which means you may as well pull up the hood on your purple rain jacket, skedaddle back to Seattle, and begin reminiscing about your 15 minutes of fame right now.

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Idol Gives (Itself a Pat On the) Back

April 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Here’s a clip of Blight Lewis’ lifeless rendition of John Lennon’s “Imagine” on last night’s American Idol: Idol Gives Back:

“Imagine all the Beebowl”

I was inspired after Blight’s performance to write a letter to Yoko. Now, unlike most people, I actually like Yoko. Did she break up the Beatles? Perhaps, but so what if she did? That means she’s clearly more compelling than Paul McCartney, an idea that I find entirely plausible (might I add, I’m also with Heather Mills, that little gold-digging, Cockney-accented peg leg.)

And John could have never written “John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band” without Yoko and her scream-therapy style of musicianship, so I thank you, Ono, because it is my favorite weep-fest record of all time.

I’m well aware that the Yokster has a whole history of controlling John’s estate (Diana pointed this out last month), but if she’s letting Blight Lewis phone in “Imagine” on American Idol, I’d say her grip isn’t tight enough. Let’s get on with the letter, shall we?


Dear Yoko,

Imagine there’s a no-talent white guy. It’s easy if you try. He’s like hell before us. Above us, a blackened sky. Imagine all the people. Whose ears wouldn’t be bleeding today-ay-ay. You may say that I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will live as one.

Power to the People,
Jen

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Bye Bye Miss Disgrasian-American Pie

April 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

‘American Idol’ Says Sayonara to Sanjaya (not my revolting title)


Awww. Now that Sanjaya’s gone, I kinda miss him. Is that totally f-ed or what?

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Zanjaya Rides Again

April 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Yahoo! News announced today that “Sanjaya Surprises Again.”

With what, exactly? Singing in Spanglish? Not totally sucking? Or, was it with his uncanny resemblance to…



…Antonio Banderrrrrrrrrrrrrassing in Mask of Zorro?

You be the judge.

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Source: The Mask of Zorro, Tristar Pictures

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