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ROCK OF ASIAN: “Pants On The Ground,” Malaysian-Style
If at all, I only watch the first few weeks of any season of American Idol, because I like watching horrible auditions and becoming overwhelmed with icky tingles. I also cry during the background packages about contestants that inevitably nab golden tickets to Hollywood–whether it’s the sweet church singer who takes care of his sick mom, or the country bumpkin with the Tennessee Twang that likes to jump off of bridges for fun:
So I just happened to be watching last week when 62 year-old Larry Platt debuted the original song, “Pants On The Ground” (a track he wrote to encourage baggy pants-wearers to pull their pants up):
Continue reading ROCK OF ASIAN: “Pants On The Ground,” Malaysian-Style
Filed under: American Idol, American Idol Auditions, American Idol Season 8, Cover Songs, Golden Ticket, Hollywood, Internet Phenoms, Larry Platt, Malaysia, MC5, Pants On The Ground, Pants On The Ground Phenomenon, Simon Cowell
BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! William Hung
Happy birthday to William Hung, who turned 27 this week!
Hung like a... Shetland pony?
Though he hasn’t produced a record in years, Hung has somehow hung (ahem) out prominently in our minds–like sticky rice on the back of a wooden spoon–until present. Most Hung-related memories make us want to drag him out from his hole just to slap him silly, just because he so famously embodied for millenials every marshmallow-faced, Engrish-speaking, penis-shrinking stereotype we (like our hero, Bruce Lee) have ever tried to kick to the curb.
So here’s hoping now that Hung’s a little bit older, he’s also a bit wiser (and for all of you quick-draw commenters, I know he’s plenty book smart, but we’re talking wisdom here). Maybe he’ll find a way to channel all of that “attitude and charisma” into something wonderful, like medical school or law school (kidding)! Listen, we’re stoked as long as he’s not making us all look like clowns. Anymore.
[William Hung - Official Site]
[YouTube: William Hung American Idol Audition (VIDEO)]
Filed under: American Idol, Birthdays, Book Smart, Bruce Lee, Clowning, Clowns, Engrish, Engrish as a Second Language, Fat Faces, Getting Older, Marshmallow, Never Resisting a Chance to Exploit Yourself As A Stereotype, Penis Shrinkage, Shame, Stereotypes, William Hung, Wisdom
Adam Lambert Doesn’t Like Dirty Girls
Adam Lambert revealed in a controversy-riddled Out interview that he’s gone down on a girl!
Adam Lambert goes down
From Out:
OUT: Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
AL: Oral.OUT: You went down on her?
AL: Uh-huh.OUT: Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
AL: It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17… The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.
Continue reading Adam Lambert Doesn’t Like Dirty Girls
Filed under: Adam Lambert, American Idol, Bi-Curiosity, Bisexuality, Bragging Rights, Cunnilingus, Desirable Twentysomethings, Devastating Sound Bytes, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Dirty Girls, Embarrassing, Gay, Gay Boys, Heartland, Heartthrobs, Oral Sex, Pop Stars, Public Humiliation, Sex, Sexy Thoughts, The Importance of Cleanliness, This Is Why Diana Thinks People Should Shower 2-3 Times A Day
The Year of Living Desi-rously
2008 was all about China China China, but 2009 is shaping up to be South Asia’s year. Between the total Oscar dominasian of Slumdog, to the rise and FAIL of Indian-Americans in politics–Bobby Jindal FAIL, Sanjay Gupta FAIL, and Vivek Kundra, who was today named Federal Chief Information Officer, FTW–to M.I.A. popping out her mixtape-making baby right after her upstaging-turn at the Grammys, to the crazazy shit going down between Pakistan and Sri Lanka, to Citi CEO Vikram Pandit becoming the sad face on the precipitous decline of Wall Street, to Freida Pinto becoming a fashion icon and Woody Allen’s muse, good and godawful, Desis are here like paneer, and you betta get used to it.
My favorite Desi success story so far, however, has got to be that of American Idol contestant, Anoop Desai. Anoop, aka “Anoop Dawg,” is the definition of dorklicious, an a cappella-singing group nerd –something our pal Angry Asian Man predicted in private conversation before it became a well-known fact–a normal dude who’s longer on goofy charisma than talent but was nevertheless brought back by the Idol judges to contend tonight for one of the 3 remaining wild-card spots on the show.
I really can’t explain Anoop’s appeal–although j’adore the fact that he wrote his college thesis on the importance of barbecue in the South–but, if the stars continue to align as they have, this guy’s a lock for the Top 12.
Filed under: American Idol, Anoop Desai, Bobby Jindal, Desis, Freida Pinto, India Is #1, Indian-Americans, Sanjay Gupta, Slumdog Millionaire, South Asians Rule, Vikram Pandit, Vivek Kundra
Dancing On the Ceiling of Sanjaya’s Head
Sanjaya “Hell No I’m Not Gaysian” Malakar will soon release his first post-American Idol EP, “Dancing to the [techno/house remix and Madonna] Music in my Head.” Psyched? It’s available for pre-order on Amazon right now:
And somewhere, all huddled together in a room: the Debarge guys, Menudo kids, Lionel Richie, and Billy Ocean in fetal position on the floor, punching themselves in their respective neckmeats for not coming up with this album cover themselves.
Filed under: American Idol, Bad Hair Days, Billy Ocean, Closeted Asians, Dancing is Fun, DeBarge, Fetal Position, Gaysians, Lionel Richie, Menudo, Shameful Album Covers, Terrible Pictures of Self
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Billy Kemp
Jordan Young (left), aka Billy Kemp (right)Name: Billy Kemp
Hails from: Wyoming
Occupation: Vice President of Casting, Fremantle Media
Known for: Acting and writing in gay porn as “Jordan Young” (Lost in Vegas), making the transition to casting reality TV (Elimidate), being promoted recently to VP of Casting and Talent for Fremantle Media, which produces reality hits like American Idol and America’s Got Talent.
If Billy Kemp’s story of going from being an gay adult film star in the 90’s (under the tutelage of tranny porn director Chi Chi LaRue) to becoming a TV exec for one of reality’s top production companies isn’t the American Dream, we don’t know what is. Kemp–who is half-Korean, half-Greek–has had a unique career trajectory that proves it doesn’t matter where you start, it only matters where you end up [insert butt-sex joke here]. Hear that, Tila?
Filed under: American Idol, Billy Kemp, Chi Chi La Rue, Fremantle Media, Gay Adult Film, Gay Porn, Getting Your Start, Jordan Young, Lost in Vegas, Mixed People, Tila Tequila, Trannies
Hello Dollie
“Dollie Underton”
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE, and as much as Carrie Underwood tried during last night’s American Idol finale, she couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal.
Filed under: American Idol, Carrie Underwood, Country Music, Dolly Parton, I Couldn't Resist, Poseurs, There Can Only Be One
Miley Cyrajuku Strikes Again
Miley Cyrus’s affinity for peeps of the Asian Persuasian was once again in full effect at American Idol’s self-congratulatory charity event taping, Idol Gives Back.
Oh, Miley. Miley, Miley, Miley. Must we remind you that that sorta behavior puts you on a slippery slope to nowheresville?
Filed under: American Idol, Fading Child Stars, For the Love of God Will Somebody Put Lindsay Lohan In a Crate or Something, Miley Cyrus, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps, The Asian Persuasian
American Bye-dol
Poor Ramiele Malubay. We hardly knew ye…
…or could see ye.
Farewell, our little boob-grabbin’ Pinaysian sensasian!
Source: Fox
Filed under: American Idol, Beautiful Filipina Women, Bo Bice Looks Depressed, Goodbyes, I Can't Take Another Week of Kristy Lee Cook, Midgets, Pinay Powerhouses, Ramiele Malubay Is the Shit
When Malakars Collide
American Idol also-ran Shyamali “Hooters” Malakar was in attendance last night at the show taping, accompanied by a greazy skeezy plus one.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Heeeeehh–
SHYAMALI: Are people staring at my tits?
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Uhhhhhh–
SHYAMALI: O. M. G. People are totally staring at my tits. (squeals with excitement)
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Baaaaaaaaaaaa–
SHYAMALI: Wait, are people staring at Paula’s old tits? Shit.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Burrrrrrrr–
SHYAMALI: Fuck. Me. No one is staring at my tits. Fuckity-fuck-fuck duck-fuck.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Fuuuuuuuuuuuu–
SHYAMALI: Why aren’t they staring at my tits??? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SHYAMALI: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SHYAMALI: (sniffs) At least you’re staring at my tits.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…dude. That’s disgusting. You’re my fuckin’ sister.
Source: Fox
Filed under: American Idol, Greazy Skeezy Plus Ones, Shyamali Malakar, Tit-gazing, Tits With Ambition
(I Am Your) Brother from Another Planet
Y’all heard about the recent UFO sighting in my home state Texas, right? I figured that was a bunch of horseshit, as we would say in the Lone Star State, until Wednesday night, when I was given a reason to believe that one of Them is among us.
His name is Renaldo Lapuz, and he auditioned for American Idol this week. I suspect that Lapuz flew in on his feathered hat, and that it was marked with the name of his intended abduction victim.
The metallic element in the extraterrestrial’s cape was identifiable to the naked eye as lunar silver, distinguishable by its unique iridescent sheen.
But the dead giveaway that Lapuz is an alien life form was his claim that he hailed from Reno, Nevada. Nevada, home to The Extraterrestrial Highway and the most UFO sightings on planet Earth. Fortunately for all parties involved, Lapuz turned out to be a friendly visitor, regaling the American Idol judges with this message from his people:
I am your brother
your best friend forever
singing the songs
the music that you like
We’re brothers ’til the end of time
together forever til the end of time
And with that, Lapuz hugged Simon and bid the judges (and Earth) farewell.
Simon Cowell, whom the alien had tearfully declared “Heaven’s Chosen,” was overheard complaining after the show of minor anal cavity discomfort. Lapuz, meanwhile, is goin’ home, back to the place where he belongs, where alien love has always been enough for him…he’s goin’ ho-o-o-ome.
Source: Fox
Filed under: Alien Invasian, Alienasian, American Idol, Anal Probes, Extraterrestrials, Renaldo Lapuz, Simon Cowell, UFOs
DISGRASIAN EXCLUSIVE: Interview with The Filipino Monkey
Since January 7, when Iranian speedboats were reported harassing U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz and a voice identified as “The Filipino Monkey” told our Navy ships over the radio that “You will explode after…minutes,” DISGRASIAN (as well as Navy and Pentagon officials) has been working tirelessly to track down that little troublemaker. Not to beat our own flat chests, but after calling in a few favors and getting some muckety-muck friends of ours to pull major strings (we’re not at liberty to say how), we located the Filipino Monkey in hiding and iChatted with him about what really happened.
DISGRASIAN: Hey dude. So, like, were you or were you not on one of those Iranian speedboats?
FILIPINO MONKEY: I was not.
DISGRASIAN: So then you think it’s cool to punk the U.S. Navy? And to help start a war with Iran? What the hell is wrong with you? Did your grandmother beat you over the head with a hairbrush when you were a child?
FILIPINO MONKEY: No, no, no. This is all a terrible misunderstanding. [starts sobbing]
DISGRASIAN: Hey, hey. Cut the crybaby nonsense. Tell us what really happened.
FILIPINO MONKEY: [sniffs, gets shit together] I am a star. No one knows it yet, but I know it in my heart of hearts, that’s all that matters. My dream has always been to become the next…American Idol. But I am all the way out here in the Middle East, so far away. Sometimes I would sit by the water to get inspiration for my music, and I would always see these big American ships pass by, and I thought, maybe I can hide myself on one of these ships and get to your country to see the love of my life, Ms. Paula Abdul, in the flesh.
DISGRASIAN: Eww…we mean, uh, go on.
FILIPINO MONKEY: But that did not come to pass, so then I had this stupid stupid idea to buy a VHF radio and sing my music into it. And perhaps someone passing by might hear my velvety voice–my influences are Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, and Jeff Buckley–and say, My God, who is this man? His voice has been touched by angels! And then they would go to America and tell Paula Abdul and she would bring me over and we would fall in love and make beautiful brown children.
DISGRASIAN: Okay! New subject. You know, a lot of people are wondering why you call yourself the Filipino Monkey.
FILIPINO MONKEY: I thought it was an excellent stage name. Plus, Filipino entertainers are hot right now–like Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Minnillo, Nicole Scherzinger–and I wanted to be part of the zeitgeist. If I say I am Middle Eastern, everyone will think I am a terrorist. Terrorists are not hot.
Anyway, about 10 days ago, I was just sitting by the water, minding my own business, lost in my dreams, and I began to sing a new song I wrote for my love Paula. It is what they like to call “a slow jam.” Are you familiar with “slow jams”?
DISGRASIAN: Yeah and, again, eww.
FILIPINO MONKEY: May I sing it for you now?
DISGRASIAN: Go for it. [Diana and Jen cover their iChat camera and whisper simultaneously, OMG! WTF?]
FILIPINO MONKEY: Okay. Here goes:
Hey Paula
I’m coming to you
I’ma coming to you
yes I’m coming to you
Hey Paula
Didja know it was me
Didja see it was me
Can’tcha see that it’s me?
When I come to Hollywood and find you
My love will forever bind you
In a thousand knots I think I’ll find you
When I’m coming to you, you won’t resist
You’ll take off my clothes and explo-o-o-o-o-ode
after just a few…minutes
Yeah yeah
hmm-mmm hmm-mmm
mmmmm
DISGRASIAN: [coughing fits]
FILIPINO MONKEY: What did you think? You guys are in Hollywood…could you put in a good word for me to Ms. Paula Abdul? Please, pretty please, with sugar on top?
Filed under: American Idol, Dreams, Let's Start a Betting Pool On When We Go to War with Iran, Misunderstandings, Paula Abdul, Slow Jams, The Filipino Monkey
