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“I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man [very odd wording, no?--Ed.]. I am very blessed to be who I am…these years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.”
I can’t help thinking that if this had happened sooner, the world wouldn’t have had to endure this:
If at all, I only watch the first few weeks of any season of American Idol, because I like watching horrible auditions and becoming overwhelmed with icky tingles. I also cry during the background packages about contestants that inevitably nab golden tickets to Hollywood–whether it’s the sweet church singer who takes care of his sick mom, or the country bumpkin with the Tennessee Twang that likes to jump off of bridges for fun:
So I just happened to be watching last week when 62 year-old Larry Platt debuted the original song, “Pants On The Ground” (a track he wrote to encourage baggy pants-wearers to pull their pants up):
Filed under: American Idol, American Idol Auditions, American Idol Season 8, Cover Songs, Golden Ticket, Hollywood, Internet Phenoms, Larry Platt, Malaysia, MC5, Pants On The Ground, Pants On The Ground Phenomenon, Simon Cowell
Happy birthday to William Hung, who turned 27 this week!
Though he hasn’t produced a record in years, Hung has somehow hung (ahem) out prominently in our minds–like sticky rice on the back of a wooden spoon–until present. Most Hung-related memories make us want to drag him out from his hole just to slap him silly, just because he so famously embodied for millenials every marshmallow-faced, Engrish-speaking, penis-shrinking stereotype we (like our hero, Bruce Lee) have ever tried to kick to the curb.
So here’s hoping now that Hung’s a little bit older, he’s also a bit wiser (and for all of you quick-draw commenters, I know he’s plenty book smart, but we’re talking wisdom here). Maybe he’ll find a way to channel all of that “attitude and charisma” into something wonderful, like medical school or law school (kidding)! Listen, we’re stoked as long as he’s not making us all look like clowns. Anymore.
Filed under: American Idol, Birthdays, Book Smart, Bruce Lee, Clowning, Clowns, Engrish, Engrish as a Second Language, Fat Faces, Getting Older, Marshmallow, Never Resisting a Chance to Exploit Yourself As A Stereotype, Penis Shrinkage, Shame, Stereotypes, William Hung, Wisdom
OUT: Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
OUT: You went down on her?
OUT: Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
AL: It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17… The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.
Filed under: Adam Lambert, American Idol, Bi-Curiosity, Bisexuality, Bragging Rights, Cunnilingus, Desirable Twentysomethings, Devastating Sound Bytes, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Dirty Girls, Embarrassing, Gay, Gay Boys, Heartland, Heartthrobs, Oral Sex, Pop Stars, Public Humiliation, Sex, Sexy Thoughts, The Importance of Cleanliness, This Is Why Diana Thinks People Should Shower 2-3 Times A Day
2008 was all about China China China, but 2009 is shaping up to be South Asia’s year. Between the total Oscar dominasian of Slumdog, to the rise and FAIL of Indian-Americans in politics–Bobby Jindal FAIL, Sanjay Gupta FAIL, and Vivek Kundra, who was today named Federal Chief Information Officer, FTW–to M.I.A. popping out her mixtape-making baby right after her upstaging-turn at the Grammys, to the crazazy shit going down between Pakistan and Sri Lanka, to Citi CEO Vikram Pandit becoming the sad face on the precipitous decline of Wall Street, to Freida Pinto becoming a fashion icon and Woody Allen’s muse, good and godawful, Desis are here like paneer, and you betta get used to it.
My favorite Desi success story so far, however, has got to be that of American Idol contestant, Anoop Desai. Anoop, aka “Anoop Dawg,” is the definition of dorklicious, an a cappella-singing group nerd –something our pal Angry Asian Man predicted in private conversation before it became a well-known fact–a normal dude who’s longer on goofy charisma than talent but was nevertheless brought back by the Idol judges to contend tonight for one of the 3 remaining wild-card spots on the show.
I really can’t explain Anoop’s appeal–although j’adore the fact that he wrote his college thesis on the importance of barbecue in the South–but, if the stars continue to align as they have, this guy’s a lock for the Top 12.
Sanjaya “Hell No I’m Not Gaysian” Malakar will soon release his first post-American Idol EP, “Dancing to the [techno/house remix and Madonna] Music in my Head.” Psyched? It’s available for pre-order on Amazon right now:
And somewhere, all huddled together in a room: the Debarge guys, Menudo kids, Lionel Richie, and Billy Ocean in fetal position on the floor, punching themselves in their respective neckmeats for not coming up with this album cover themselves.
Name: Billy Kemp
Hails from: Wyoming
Occupation: Vice President of Casting, Fremantle Media
Known for: Acting and writing in gay porn as “Jordan Young” (Lost in Vegas), making the transition to casting reality TV (Elimidate), being promoted recently to VP of Casting and Talent for Fremantle Media, which produces reality hits like American Idol and America’s Got Talent.
If Billy Kemp’s story of going from being an gay adult film star in the 90′s (under the tutelage of tranny porn director Chi Chi LaRue) to becoming a TV exec for one of reality’s top production companies isn’t the American Dream, we don’t know what is. Kemp–who is half-Korean, half-Greek–has had a unique career trajectory that proves it doesn’t matter where you start, it only matters where you end up [insert butt-sex joke here]. Hear that, Tila?
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE, and as much as Carrie Underwood tried during last night’s American Idol finale, she couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal.
Miley Cyrus’s affinity for peeps of the Asian Persuasian was once again in full effect at American Idol‘s
self-congratulatory charity event taping, Idol Gives Back.
Poor Ramiele Malubay. We hardly knew ye…
Farewell, our little boob-grabbin’ Pinaysian sensasian!
American Idol also-ran Shyamali “Hooters” Malakar was in attendance last night at the show taping, accompanied by a greazy skeezy plus one.
SHYAMALI: Are people staring at my tits?
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Uhhhhhh–
SHYAMALI: O. M. G. People are totally staring at my tits. (squeals with excitement)
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Baaaaaaaaaaaa–
SHYAMALI: Wait, are people staring at Paula’s old tits? Shit.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Burrrrrrrr–
SHYAMALI: Fuck. Me. No one is staring at my tits. Fuckity-fuck-fuck duck-fuck.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Fuuuuuuuuuuuu–
SHYAMALI: Why aren’t they staring at my tits??? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SHYAMALI: (sniffs) At least you’re staring at my tits.
GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…dude. That’s disgusting. You’re my fuckin’ sister.
Y’all heard about the recent UFO sighting in my home state Texas, right? I figured that was a bunch of horseshit, as we would say in the Lone Star State, until Wednesday night, when I was given a reason to believe that one of Them is among us.
But the dead giveaway that Lapuz is an alien life form was his claim that he hailed from Reno, Nevada. Nevada, home to The Extraterrestrial Highway and the most UFO sightings on planet Earth. Fortunately for all parties involved, Lapuz turned out to be a friendly visitor, regaling the American Idol judges with this message from his people:
I am your brother
your best friend forever
singing the songs
the music that you like
We’re brothers ’til the end of time
together forever til the end of time
Simon Cowell, whom the alien had tearfully declared “Heaven’s Chosen,” was overheard complaining after the show of minor anal cavity discomfort. Lapuz, meanwhile, is goin’ home, back to the place where he belongs, where alien love has always been enough for him…he’s goin’ ho-o-o-ome.