You are currently browsing posts tagged with Alien Invasian

Everybody Fugs a Winner

April 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our pals Jess and Heather over at Go Fug Yourself took on an almost insurmountable task last week: determining the 2008 Champion of Fug, also known as the first-ever champion of “Fug Madness.”

Who took home the big honor, you ask? None other than our very own DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer, Bai Ling.

With competition like Victoria Beckham, both Peldon sisters, Britney Spears, and Chloe Sevigny challenging her for the title, Ling certainly had her work cut out for her. Let’s see how she sealed the deal over the last few months:

May 2007.
Bai says “What-eva” to seasonal dressing at Cannes and pairs a hot white bikini with heavy footwear and long outerwear in winter colors. Oh, what a dichotomy! And oh, how gauche!

September 2007.
Bai begins the PR campaign for her new book, Nipples, by wearing customized Band-Aids on her banged-up shins. DISGRASIAN loves the idea so much, we want to kick her in the Band-Aids.

October 2007.

Bai revisits all of the worst “alternative” trends ever to emerge from the youth generation in the last twenty years: mini tees, ironic tees, self-congratulatory tees, bare midriffs, fucked-up belly buttons, distressed denim, short-shorts, ugly belts, tights with shorts, pumps with tights with shorts, pink hair, two-toned hair, colored wigs.

…The result is only slightly worse, however, than the other great offense of that month, Rumer Willis’s “Papa Don’t Preach” appearance at a Declare Yourself event.

January 2008.
Bai rocks a black lace body stocking with a black lace bra and black lace leggings, proving, once and for all, that you can in fact be “too lace for love.”

February 2008.
Bai’s bringin’ Band-Aids back, but this time, to wish the world a Happy Chinese New Year, in English and her native language. DISGRASIAN is up in arms–Jen can’t believe she shares a homeland with this alien, and Diana is shocked at how many veins she can count in homegirl’s feet. BLEGGHHHH. No one can be forgiven for such traumatizasian.

…Which just about brings us to March, wherein Bai focused all of her Fug energy into getting the fug-fug-fuggingest championship award. And when you watch the play-by-play, it’s really no wonder that Bai took home Go Fug Yourself’s coveted grand prize. She had it in the bag the whole time.

Hey, everybody’s gotta win something.

Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: , , , , , , , , ,

(I Am Your) Brother from Another Planet

January 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Y’all heard about the recent UFO sighting in my home state Texas, right? I figured that was a bunch of horseshit, as we would say in the Lone Star State, until Wednesday night, when I was given a reason to believe that one of Them is among us.

His name is Renaldo Lapuz, and he auditioned for American Idol this week. I suspect that Lapuz flew in on his feathered hat, and that it was marked with the name of his intended abduction victim.

The metallic element in the extraterrestrial’s cape was identifiable to the naked eye as lunar silver, distinguishable by its unique iridescent sheen.

But the dead giveaway that Lapuz is an alien life form was his claim that he hailed from Reno, Nevada. Nevada, home to The Extraterrestrial Highway and the most UFO sightings on planet Earth. Fortunately for all parties involved, Lapuz turned out to be a friendly visitor, regaling the American Idol judges with this message from his people:

I am your brother
your best friend forever
singing the songs
the music that you like

We’re brothers ’til the end of time
together forever til the end of time

And with that, Lapuz hugged Simon and bid the judges (and Earth) farewell.

Simon Cowell, whom the alien had tearfully declared “Heaven’s Chosen,” was overheard complaining after the show of minor anal cavity discomfort. Lapuz, meanwhile, is goin’ home, back to the place where he belongs, where alien love has always been enough for him…he’s goin’ ho-o-o-ome.

Source: Fox

Filed under: , , , , , , ,