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EVA: Tell me again why I have to stand next to you?
ASH: Because we both work for L’Oreal, silly.
EVA: Could you at the very least have let me be the only one wearing the sparkly dress?
ASH: What, this old thing? I just threw it on at the last minute.
EVA: Uh…yeah, me too! Yup, just threw this on. Just like you. Don’t even know who designed it.
ASH: Didn’t I hear you tell that journalist over there it was Naeem Khan?
ELIZABETH: Oh joy, lucky me! I get to walk the red carpet with “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman”! There definitely must be a God. And he hates me.
AISHWARYA: Come now, darling. At least your films are widely seen in the West. Most Americans can’t even name one of my films!
ELIZABETH: Do you think most Americans can name any one of my films either?! All the good parts I go up for end up going to that whore Rachel McAdams. Do you know how close I was to landing The Notebook? To sniffing Ryan Gosling’s godly flesh?
ELIZABETH: So I’m always left playing the girlfriend. Or the blonde. Or the blonde girlfriend. Or the brunette girlfriend. Or the…whatever-colored-hair girlfriend who isn’t an integral part of the story. Arghhh. Shoot me.
AISHWARYA: What about that porno you made? Surely people remember that?
ELIZABETH: It wasn’t a real porno. Unfortunately…that would have actually helped my career.
AISHWARYA: (sympathetic) I see. Well, you look divine in red, dear.
ELIZABETH: I wore it when I found out I’d be walking the red carpet with you. So I would blend right in to the floor, and no one would be, like, There goes Aishwarya Rai and, uh, What’s-Her-Face-Oh-Who-Really-Cares-Anyway-Let’s-Not-Even-Bother-to-Put-Her-in-the-Headline…
AISHWARYA: No one will say that about you!
ELIZABETH: Trust me, people will definitely be saying that about me.
The 60th Cannes Film Festival is underway. Wong Kar-Wai’s My Blueberry Nights opened the festival, which will be screening highly-anticipated new films from DISGRASIAN Quentin Tarantino, Gus Van Sant, the Coen brothers and Kim Ki-duk, director of the profound Spring, Summer, Winter…and Spring.
But enough about movies. Last night was the opening night gala dinner, where everyone got all gussied up. Remember how last week I compared the Costume Institute gala to PROM?
Well, Cannes not only reminds me of Prom, it reminds me of my rival high school, where everyone drove BMWs, carried Louis Vuitton purses, and belonged to a country club. Their prom was held at a Four Seasons, ours was at a Marriott. I know because I went to both with my gay date Steve (more on this another time).
But Prom is Prom, even on the Cote d’Azur, so let’s stop dicking around and get on with the SUPERLATIVES already! Do you think these ladies CANNES handle it?
Bollywood stars Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai will be married next week. Hopefully, they won’t piss off India the way Elizabeth Vomit-ey did with her wedding shenanigans. Bachchan, left, and “Ash,” right, are pictured below:
And those Bollywood nights
In those Bollywood hills
She was looking so right
In her diamonds and frills
All those big city nights
In those high rolling hills
Above all the lights
He had on a headband that killed
Source: AP/Gautam Singh