You are currently browsing posts tagged with Adoption is the New Black

Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

February 14th, 2011 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

On this Valentine’s Day, we ponder the question: What’s the best way to say “I love you”?

With flowers?

Chocolate?

Diamonds?

Skywriting?

(Not microwaves, obviously.)

Fuck that! This is the real way you show your significant other you’re in it for the long haul:

Continue reading Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

June 3rd, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to Angelina Jolie, who turns 35 Friday!

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she’s aging well.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she likes reading Asian languages.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she sounds a little Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

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About Lost Night

May 19th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

No, you will not be the guardians of the “light hole”

I realized as I was watching Lost‘s “previously on” at the start of last night’s episode that I’ve been suffering from TV-PTSD–that’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought on by something awful you’ve seen on TV that you actually and pathetically believe is real–the awful thing, of course, being Jin and Sun’s deaths in that sinking sub two weeks back.

Is anyone else still pissed that among Jin’s last words to Sun were “I won’t leave you” and then the final shot of them is their cold dead hands drifting away from–i.e. leaving–one another?

Did anyone else want Hurley or Jack to die instead, because they both fuckin’ bug?

Is anyone else worried about what’s going to happen to Ji Yeon, Jin and Sun’s baby daughter?

Like, is she going to an orphanage?

Or will Sun’s mean Hardass Asian Dad raise her?

Or, worse yet, will Katherine Heigl adopt her and raise her to become a Hollywood princess d-bag???

The show since has been as dead to me as Jin and Sun’s cold, parting hands, and in my Continue reading About Lost Night

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Katherine Heigl to Become Less Annoying by Adopting a Korean Baby

September 10th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Somewhere on the road to becoming America’s next rom-com sweetheart, Katherine Heigl stumbled. Newsweek published a story in July trying to chart how that happened exactly, noting that the phrase “I Hate Katherine Heigl” generated twice as many results as “I Hate Tara Reid” (although Heigl is still safely behind “I Hate Gwyneth Paltrow,” which yields 52,400 results at present count).

Her first misstep? When she called Knocked Up, the work that made her a legit film star, “a little sexist,” a comment that continued to haunt her a year-and-a-half later when the movie’s director Judd Apatow and star Seth Rogen appeared on Howard Stern and mocked her for it, with Rogen adding that Heigl saying “batshit crazy things” was “kind of her bag now.” Then there was that whole Emmy nomination withdrawal kerfuffle, when she managed to look a gift horse in the mouth once again by insulting the entire writing staff of Grey’s Anatomy, who had made her a legit TV star.

The latest with Katherine Heigl is that she and her husband are adopting a special-needs baby from Korea. (Heigl’s older sister Meg was also adopted from Korea.) She broke the news first on Ellen, which will air this Friday.

So far, not even Perez Hilton–who was specifically cited in the Newsweek piece as having turned on Heigl–has had a bitchy thing to say about this. Is becoming a new mother what it’ll take to soften public opinion toward the 30 year-old actress?


All we know is that babies are a lot like crack. And Asian babies are kinda like rock that’s so addictive, it makes you forget you’re smoking crack in the first place–you’re just naturally euphoric and giddy and it’s totally normal that your windows are melting–like the stuff Whitney used to smoke that put her in hardcore denial, when she claimed that Whitney “don’t do crack” and “crack is wack.” And Asian babies make you forget, kinda the way crack does, that people suck and say stupid things and are chronically annoying, especially when they’re strapped to those same people in a cute Ecuadorian baby sling. Take a gander at aznbabyz.com if you don’t believe us, then imagine one of those little ones–with their chubby cheeks and sausage legs–attached to Katherine Heigl’s hip, and then try hatin’ on her. Pretty tough, right?

Thanks, uccloud9!

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Nicole Kidman Wants to Adopt Our Vietnamese Baby

June 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

An Australian tabloid’s reporting that Nicole Kidman is planning to adopt a baby from Vietnam. Kidman and husband Keith Urban already have one child together, 11 month-old Sunday Rose.

Although Dang Minh Dao, deputy of the Department of International Adoption at the Ministry of Justice in Hanoi, told Australia’s New Idea magazine, “Yes, Nicole Kidman wants a baby from Vietnam. We’ve been approached by the American Embassy. This is very sensitive information. We are keeping it closed,” Kidman has denied the rumor.

But I have it on good authority that the rumor is true. I’ve even learned the identity of the baby Kidman plans to adopt.

And her name is…DIANA!


Some of you may be hatin’ right now, because Diana’s going to have celebrity parents and you’re not, but I, for one, am totally stoked. Because this means that 1) I’m finally going to Australia, the last continent I have yet to visit besides Antarctica, 2) I’ll probably get to ride in the Kidman-Urban jet there, and 3) I’m going to be able to call Keith “uncle” and Nicole “auntie” from now on.

Sweeeeet!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Koreatherine Heigl

October 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


According to the National Enquirer, Katherine Heigl wants to adopt a baby from Korea–where her sister Meg was born–because she hopes that getting an Asian baby a la Angelina will do wonders for her career and make her seem less like a spoiled, self-righteous assbag who dissed both the movie that made her a box-office viability and the show writers who got her an Emmy.

Or something like that.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Ain’t That America, You and Me (and the Jolie-Pitts)

October 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Seen in the German edition of Vanity Fair:

“For me, our family is just what America is – a melting pot, a mixture of many different races and nations,” she says. “My children should be proud of their Asian and African roots, but that in no way means [is] a lack of respect for the fact that they and their parents are Americans.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

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Parental Emulasian

October 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Listen, I’ll admit it. Every time I look at Angelina with her brood of cutest children ever, my uterus starts to quake a little. And I’m not really into kids, quite frankly–they seem way too easy to break, and they always need to be fed Cheerios or mac ‘n cheez, and they always ask questions like “Why? But why? But why? But why?”–and once they’re three, they’re only a decade away from being a teenager with a cell phone/belly ring/penchant for HATING YOU. Blegh.

But look at those little elbow patches on Pax! How can they be ignored? Just one glance at his soft little nose and Zahara’s cute lips and Maddox’s furrowed brow makes me want to start collecting children like Limoges boxes. I think it happens to us all, and I simply can’t fault us for it.

But sometimes these things take a downhill spiral. Take Lindsay Lohan, for instance, who recently told Marie Claire, “At some point … I want to adopt a kid … A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet.”

Um, BAD IDEA. HUGELY BAD IDEA. At the very least, I must warn all the little baby orphans in y’know, like, other countries–at least Vietnam–to cover their heads and RUN. By all assumptions, Lohan could be casting a very wide net.

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Congratulasians, Tony Soprano!

September 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

James Gandolfini, 46, and Deborah Lin, 40, got hitched this weekend in her hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Three teams of Chinese lion dancers performed at the reception. Congratulasians, James and Deborah!

Gandolfini, who was married once before, has his work cut out for him. While they’re both in their forties, she looks ten years younger and smoking hawt, while he looks…like Tony Soprano. Dude seriously needs to hit the gym and the derm before people start mistaking his bride for his adopted daughter from China.

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Maddox and Pax: Imitasian Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

August 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


MADDOX: Goddammit, Dad, Pax copied me AGAIN. I get streaks in my hair, he gets streaks in his hair. Are you gonna let him get a mohawk, too?! Just cuz we’re both Asian doesn’t mean we have to look alike. Christ, I wish that little squirt would get his own steez.

PAX: Daddy, what is “steez”?

BRAD: It’s like this hat I’m wearing. Hats are a kind of steez. Before I started aggressively wearing hats in public, I was only known as, you know, the Sexiest Man Alive. But then, I got a steez, and I became, like, a satirist.

MADDOX: Sartorialist. You mean “sartorialist.”

BRAD: Man, you’re smart. How did a kid like you come from a guy like me?

MADDOX: Um, how do I put this? I didn’t.

BRAD: Oh. Right.

PAX: Daddy, this backpack I’m wearing is ugly. I want to get a one-shouldered bag like Mad. Please, please, pretty please?

MADDOX: Aw hell no.

BRAD: Come on, guys. Don’t fight. Not in front of the paps, anyway. We’re going to see some architecture in Venice today, remember? And you love architecture.

PAX: What’s “architecture”?

MADDOX: Oh please. We do not love architecture. What’s so great about looking at old, crumbly buildings? I want to shoot off some guns. Is there a gun range in Venice?

PAX: What’s a “gun”?

MADDOX: Jesus. I’m surrounded by idiots.

BRAD: True, but we’re gorgeous idiots. Would you be happier growing up in a family of ugly, unfamous geniuses?

MADDOX: Hmmm. Okay, good point. Not bad for an idiot.

BRAD: Yesss! So maybe you are a chip off the old block, huh?

MADDOX: Don’t push it.

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Brangelina’s Chinese Baby

August 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The afterbirth has barely dried on new twins Knox and Vivienne, and already rumors abound about Brangelina’s next adoption. This time, Hollywood’s It Couple are apparently shopping around for a Chinese baby. And only DISGRASIAN has the scoop on who that lucky little kid will be…


That’s right, y’all. It’s yours truly!!! Congratulatory baby gifts are totally not necessary. As you can see, I’m already stylin’ with a bitchin’ pacifier. And I can personally attest to the fact that the Brangelina Family Bed is oh-so-cozy. (Is it wrong that I think Mom and Dad are hot, and sometimes I have fantasies about a three-way with them? Just wondering.)

So, yeah, this means I’m pretty much set for life…but don’t hate!

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Thanks, Jasmine, for making my dreams come true!

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Paging All Orphans

June 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Why the long faces?!


What’s up, little guys?! We’ve got great news. If you’re Asian, that is. Because we’ve just learned that Asian orphans are HOT HOT HOT! So stop your crying and all that tiresome bitching and moaning about losing your parents (jeez, we get it already)–and clean up those faces! Do you think fabulous people like the Jolie-Pitts adopt dirty children?! Turn that frown upside down! Help is on the way.

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