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I spent most of today trying to remember what my official “birds and bees” talk was like. My memory was just so fuzzy—didn’t my mom walk into my room one day during junior high, sit down on my bed, pat the seat next to her, and ask if I’d been feeling a little different lately? Something like that?
Oh wait, that was a Full House episode or something. My mom never gave me the talk. Like, NEVER. We NEVER TALKED ABOUT SEX.
I mean, when my sister ran away from the house her senior year in ’88 to stay with her awesomely white trash boyfriend’s awesomely white trash family, a long period ensued during which my aunts and mom would call each other from their respective homes in Michigan, Indiana, Missouri and California to speak in hushed tones about the filthy indiscretions. “Your sister, she lays with boys,” my aunt said to me while I was playing with my Barbies. “No man will ever marry her.” (She was wrong, by the way.)
When I was 17 and snuck my then-beau up into my second-story Southern California bedroom, my mom became suspicious at a noise and barreled down the hall, bursting through my door. He swiftly jumped to a hiding spot and I was discovered alone, laying awkwardly atop my fully made bed in a star-patterned bra and panties, looking guilty. My mom was confused and disturbed. She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re… I… I know what you do.” She left the room with no further talk about sex, even though my night probably included it.
I think the conversation, if we’d ever had one, would have been one-sided: “Don’t have sex.” Conversation over.
Hyphen Magazine recently addressed this kind of no-talk policy in an article called “Asian-American Women Who Accept Abortion as a Way Out.” Writer Lisa Wong Macabasco explores how deeply ingrained the denial of sex is in Asian cultures, and how categorical aversion to sex (or proof of it) has shaped generous Eastern attitudes towards drastic measures like abortion over generations. In short: abortion is less shameful than the truly disgraceful act that it functions to hide, sex.
Filed under: Abortion, Aunts, Awkward Moments, Culture Clashes, Denial, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents' Nightmares, Hyphen Magazine, Let's Talk About Sex Baby, Sex, The Birds And The Bees, The Talk
Two studies published in the last year suggest that Asian-Americans–of Chinese, Indian, and Korean descent–prefer having boy children, and there may be a growing trend among us to get male progeny through sex-selection procedures (in vitro and sperm sorting) and even abortion.
We don’t know how sound these findings are, but we’ve seen this cultural bias in play, in our own families and in others’. To which we say:
1) Dude. LAME.
2) Get over it, people. New country, new culture, new rules (i.e. you make the rules, dumbass).
3) Sorry to get totally cliche, but girls fuckin’ RAWK. I mean, helloooooooo?
(No Asian Girls = No DISGRASIAN = Sadness and Despair.)
LEVI: Impregnawhat? I’m just a fuckin’ redneck. Dude, how old are you again? Like, 126 years old? You got hella bags under your eyes, man. You should do something about that.
McCAIN: Well, I can’t, you cunt, because I can’t lift my arms high enough to put on Cindy’s expensive eye cream every night. Because I’m a fuckin’ war hero, okay? A P-O-FUCKIN’-W, ever heard of it?
LEVI: Yeah, yeah. Whatevs. I know guns are cool and shit. Don’t get your crusty panties in a twist, bro.
BRISTOL: (sighs) I love it when men fight over me. This is so romantic. Levi, I can’t wait to have your baby. And the second one, and the third, and the fourth, and the…
LEVI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. Slow down. Remember how I said I didn’t want any fuckin’ kids? Boy, you really effed up my life plans.
BRISTOL: Your life plans? What about my life plans?
LEVI: What are you fuckin’ talkin’ about? I made you. You’re set. Instead of being branded a pinhead by Bill O’Reilly and having conservatives blame your parents for this shit, you’re, like, now the poster child for the right-to-life movement. As though abortion had anything to do with our fuckin’ a lot without a condom. Think about it–you’re getting rewarded for your “morals” by puttin’ out at 17! Most kids our age would get killed for this shit, and I’m going to be on national TV instead. This is the greatest bait-and-switch in history. I’m a fuckin’ genius.
McCAIN: Kid, you are a fuckin’ genius. A cunt, but a genius cunt, nevertheless. (beat) Do you want to run my campaign?
LEVI: The dividends from fuckin’ without a condom just keep rollin’ in. Sweeeet.
Filed under: Abortion, Abstinence-Only Does Not Work, Bristol Palin, Fuckin' Without a Condom, Horribly Run Campaigns, John McCain, Knocked Up, Levi Johnston, Rednecks, Sarah Palin, The 2008 Presidential Election