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When Former Fake Lovers Collide

October 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Together Again: Courtenay Semel and Tila Tequila celebrate Tila’s 27th birthday in Miami

COURTENAY: I thought we were broken-up. Didn’t I cheat on you or something?

TILA: Hahahahahaha! You’re so funny! That’s why I love you! My girlfriend’s got jokes! Smile for the paps! Make it look real! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: This is getting a little old, don’t you think? By the way, your dress reminds me of a trash bag. I sorta want to dump my receipts and purse-lint into it.

TILA: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, dear Tila–

COURTENAY: What, what are you doing with my hair?

TILA: I’m playing with it because you’re my girlfriend. And that’s what girlfriends do. Partaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re having so much fun! (loudly, to the assembled crowd) I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME AND LICK HER PUSSYYYYYYYYYY! Yum yum!

COURTENAY: Wow. I thought I was a publicity whore. But I’m starting to think that this is really beneath me. You do know that no one believes you’re gay, right?

TILA: When I play with your hair, nobody notices that your eyes are crossed! Yippeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: Sigh. (to the paps) Do you guys mind taking the picture? I’d like to finish this up, then go home, draw a nice warm bath, put on some Sarah McLachlan, slit my wrists lengthwise, and call it a day, okay?

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Still Not Bi-ing It

August 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Courtenay Semel with her alleged new girlfriend, Tila Tequila


TILA: Hurry up, betch, and kiss me.

COURTENAY: Hold your horses, lady! I gotta uncross my eyes first.

TILA: Ughhh. Not that again.

COURTENAY: Yes, that again.

TILA: I sure know how to pick ‘em.

COURTENAY: (hysterically laughing) Betch, pleeeeeease. Do you know how much my daddy’s worth? I could buy your little Chinese ass if I wanted to.

TILA: Dude. I’m Vietnamese, you dumb slut.

COURTENAY: What’s the diff?

TILA: Good point. Did you get those wonk-eyes uncrossed yet? We gotta make out, betch. People don’t believe I’m bi and I really really really need the street cred, ‘kay?

COURTENAY: And I really really really need people to know who the fuck I am. Hanging out with other rich betches is not really helping. (beat) You’re right. We both really really really need each other.

TILA: That’s what I’m sayin’! Trust me. I have the Mid-ass touch. Everything I rub on turns to gold.

COURTENAY: Alright, alright! I’ve almost got my eyes uncrossed.

TILA: Fuck. We’re getting nowhere with this. (sighs) Just take the picture.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Who Is "The F*ck God"?

July 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I have to admit, poetry has always confused the hell out of me. Once I ventured outside of the AB AB rhyme scheme, I was pretty much effed. From a very young age, I kept diaries, I wrote stories, and I had imaginary pen pals (one of whom was named after the regional burger chain Whataburger), but I never fancied myself a poet. Even when I attended a graduate writing program, I avoided poetry. Poets, too, because they’re a whole different breed from fiction writers–infinitely cooler, yes, but irritatingly difficult to hold a conversation with. I attribute that to their constant need to distill everything down to its essence.

I’ve never been much of a reader of poetry, either. I usually get stuck on one image–T.S. Eliot’s rolled trousers, William Carlos Williams’ plum. I experienced that same confusion when I read the following poem, penned by Tila Tequila after she got dissed at the pink-and-blue disco-altar during the Shot at Love 2 finale:

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.

Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile….brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Sure, she was going through unimaginable pain. Yes, she had been dumped AGAIN. And on TV, no less. But, reading her poem (the only entry tagged “Tila Tequila poetry” on her website), I was drawn to one thing, and one thing only.

WHO IS “THE FUCK GOD”???

I allowed myself to imagine that, if I could only figure out who “The Fuck God” was, the universe would fling open its sacred doors for me. All kinds of mysteries would be revealed. I would get rich! I would get famous! I would have mind-altering sex every day, possibly several times a day! I would finally understand phenomena that have confounded me for years, like the popularity of red shoes and Red Bull! The Grateful Dead and Coldplay! Dancing with the Stars and The Hills! Shorts-with-heels and short pants! Oprah and Rachael Ray! Why hot dogs are always so damned delicious!

This, I believed, was going to be bigger than The Secret.

After scouring the internet for answers, I think I found Him.


Hmm.

Weird.

I don’t feel more enlightened.

Huh.

Well, like I said, poetry confuses the hell out of me.

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Thanks, Adriel and DJ Phatrick!

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Overzealous Anticippppppasian

December 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
WHOOPSIE!!!!!!!

Apparently, we were so eager to weigh in on the finale for A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila last night that we posted about it a week early. When we (reluctantly, with a big sigh, and an even bigger glass of scotch) finally sat down to watch the mess on TiVo, our eyes were mistreated by a recap episode even more boring than the whole stupid series. Blegh. But the good part was that we immediately realized our error in horror, and here we are to fix it. Dear readers, we sincerely apologize if we caused you to watch the show last night to find out the results. But who cares, it’s just bad TV.

And hey, even Asians make mistakes! Weird, right???

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Last Shot of Tila Tequila, Please

December 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The final showdown of MTV’s red cup-fest A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila goes down next week, and blogs across America are wildly abuzz: WHICH LOVER WILL TILA CHOOSE??

Will it be…

…or…

BOBBY or DANI–man or woman–straight dude or lesbian–
either way,we can’t believe they both still care and/or don’t have
managed to escape Tila’s embrace without an onslaught of V.D.


WHO WILL IT BE? WHO WILL IT BE? WHO WILL IT BE?

Oh who are we kidding? We don’t care. Nay, we don’t give a shit.

As we’ve maintained from the beginning, Tila is a poseur, fame whore, and most importantly, a homisogynasian drive-bi. We’ve never bought her bi-curiosity, only been amazed by her ability to turn a cache of zzzZzZztitillating web cam videos of herself sharing brisk kisses with gal pals into a much-discussed multi-episode reality series. Entrepreneurial? Sure. Bisexual? Not on your life.

Sure, people may have thought we were just hating on the short little trollop, ’cause we were jealous or somethin’. That was, of course, until Page Six chimed in–albeit eight episodes too late. As they report, an inside source says Tila has a boyfriend, and the sexy sexual curiosity thing has all just been a sham all along! Wow! Shocker!

That’s funny, she didn’t seem to mention any boyfriend when she was on Tyra Banks’ talk show, gushing vaguely and unconvincingly about how she’s been sneaking around “like [in] a movie” with the winner of the show–oops, we mean, the winner of her love–since they wrapped.

It all makes us wonder if the trifecta (secret boyfriend, show winner, and the drive-bi) are all involved in A Shot At Love’s second season, which has apparently been in motion since October.

After all the excitement of this fake season, one can only hope so. Can we make just one brilliant suggestion: ORGY PARTY!!!! WE’LL BRING THE RED CUPS.


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Another Shot

October 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

One of the folks over at Oh No They Didn’t discovered this casting notice in her box today…

Another season of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila is coming???

Oh, Tila. You and your homisogynasian pals over at MTV are going to keep DISGRASIAN in business!

We’ll be waiting.

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This is the casting couch Source, but if you apply, Jen and I will hunt you down and flog you.

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