Advice For Your St. Patrick’s Day Celebrasian
Well, I should preface this post by saying that I don’t really participate in the whole St. Patrick’s Day flurryfaloo.
Yeah, no thanks.
Why? I’m not Irish or Catholic. I’m not in a frat. I am uncomfortable wearing green plastic leprachaun hats. I don’t particularly get anything out of drinking green-tinted alcohol. My Irish accent sounds a lot more like a pirate accent. I don’t appreciate being pinched. I have no interest in regretting tonight’s sloppy sex with a stinky stranger during tomorrow’s spine-shivering hangover. I have an aversion to standing, body-to-body, with smelly people. And I’m no novice partier (Lord knows all of the novices will be out tonight, they’ve been sporting awful green wigs and tube tops at your local pub since 6am this morning… I really loathe those people).
That said, hey! Maybe you’re like, “Top ‘o the mornin, Diana! Don’t bee such a spoilsparrt! It’s thee luck of thee Irish! I want to be havin’ a grand ol’ time at the pub! Arrrr, avast, ahoy!” (Oh shoot, there I go talking like a pirate again.)
Anyway, if you are going out tonight, don’t let me poop on your parrty, fiddle-dee-dee! I just have a few words of advice:
Tip #1: A successful St. Patty’s night can be about EITHER an excess of corned beef and cabbage OR an excess of Irish car bombs. BUT NOT BOTH.
Tip #2: Don’t bother wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” t-shirt if you ain’t Irish. Just write “I’m drunk at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m drunk. I want to get laid. I’m drunk!” in Sharpie across your stomach. You’ll get the point across without having to lie about your ethnicity.
Continue reading Advice For Your St. Patrick’s Day Celebrasian »
