Sure, Dancing With The Stars has lost a few viewers in its old age. Apparently, last night’s Season 12 premiere pulled a smaller audience than expected (by that, I mean 22.3 million viewers), 20% down from the last season.
But it actually gained one viewer: ME (Yes, I’ve tried once before, but couldn’t stick to my guns). Now, for the first time, I watched the first performances live on TV (which I couldn’t even do for the Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin trainwrecks)–and I think I’m in for the whole season. Why? Because there are SO MANY REASONS to watch this season. Twelve, in fact, right off the top of my head:
Reason #1: Turns out that my football boyfriend and Steelers #86 Hines Ward is light as a feather on his feet, as evidenced by his much-lauded performance with Kym Johnson. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that man could dance! And dear me, is he better to look at without all that football gear. Ward is as smooth a mover as he is fast a runner. He’s as smiley on the dance floor as he is on astroturf. And I know I’m not the first person to make the “Mmn!” sound while looking at his perfect Hines-dquarters, underdig?
Filed under: ABC, Bosoms, Carrie Ann Inaba, Cheryl Burke, Dancing With the Stars, Dancing With The Stars Season 12, DWTS, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hines Ward, Karate Kid, Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson, Kirstie Alley, Len Goodman, Light As A Feather, Loveline, Pat Morita, Pro Athletes, Psycho Mike Catherwood, Ralph Macchio, Reasons To Watch DWTS, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wendy Williams, Wendy Williams Cries
Kate Middleton and Olivia Munn – separated at birth? Or do all hot brunettes just look alike? [TMZ]
The monologue of last night’s Conan went out the window when Coco became transfixed by a totally adorable (26-year-old) Asian Harry Potter fan. [TBS]
Dan Choi took to Twitter to call Barack Obama “the worst POTUS in #LGBT history.” [Joe My God]
Meanwhile, Kal Penn is back to work at the White House with the POTUS after filming A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas, likely bearing the best bag of munchies EVAR. [ABC News]
Fei Lam made $130,000 for selling the parts to make a white iPhone, aka the Moby Dick of smartphones. [Gawker]
If Kate Gosselin re-packs her kids’ uneaten school lunches the next day (waste not, want not!), does that make her a Hardass Asian Mama or just lazy? [MSNBC]
Privy helps you casually copy the dining habits of your favorite Asian celebs. “Oh yah, Kelly Hu and I dine here all the time.” [Privy.net]
This sad story of a six-year-old AIDS orphan living alone in China has a happy ending – he’s being adopted! [China Smack]
Baby panda! Baby panda! Baby panda! [Zoo Atlanta]
Filed under: Adoption, AIDS orphan A-Long, baby panda, Conan O'Brien, DADT, Dan Choi, Dianne Feinstein, DREAM Act, Fei Lam, Harry Potter, Intern Jasmine's Links of the Daysian, Kal Penn, Kalpen Modi, Kate Gosslin, Kate Middleton, Olivia Munn, Privy, Separated at Birth!, Steve Li, Twitter, white iPhone, Zoo Atlanta
Vaseline has created a face-whitening application for Facebook users in India to promote its Healthy White Skin Lightening Cream, because, um, yeah, that sounds really, really healthy. [Feministing]
Like AT&T in the 80′s, Ichiro Suzuki reaches out and touches someone. [MLB]
You break it, you DON’T buy it: Finally, a place for women having their lady time, in Shenyang, China. [People's Daily Online]
Tila Tequila is no longer part of Celebrity Rehab. Is it because she’s no longer a celebrity, or because she can’t be rehabilitated, or because no one gives a shit? Hmm. [RadarOnline]
Hayao Miyazaki likens iPad use to masturbation. Like that’s a problem?! [Gizmodo]
A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas already sounds like the greatest motherfuckin’ Christmas movie of all time. [MTV.com]
We can see why Prince said that the internet is over. Presenting…Kate Gosselin in a coolie hat. [Just Jared]
Filed under: Celebrity Rehab, China, Coolie Hats Aren't Cool, Dr. Drew is not Tila's co-pilot, Feministing, Harold and Kumar, Hayao Miyazaki, Ichiro, Ichiro Suzuki, India, iPad, Kate Gosselin, Lady Time, MLB, Skin Lightening, skin whitening, They tried to make her go to rehab she said no no no, Tila Tequila, Vaseline, Vaseline is trying to whitewash y'all
Breaking news! Kate Gosselin is lonely. Maybe Mady should break out the world’s smallest violin. [TMZ]
In the southern Philippines, a reporter was shot to death while buying cigarettes this past Saturday. He was killed less than a week after two radio journalists were also killed. [New York Times]
There’s a Facebook group to get an Asian male cast on MTV’s “The Real World”. Which, okay, I can see why you’d want to get an Asian dude on that show as there has never been an Asian dude on that show. It seems like the only place for Asian dudes on MTV right now is competing on “America’s Best Dance Crew”. [Facebook] (Thanks, Stuart!)
4 year-old does 1,500 push-ups in 40 minutes. Speaking for myself, I can probably eat about 1,500 French fries in 40 minutes. [BuzzFeed]
In reality television news, a Kate Gosselin dating show is in the works. Hair-plug sporting, Ed Hardy wearing sunburnt d-bags need not apply. [Just Jared]
Speaking of the Gosselins, the Gosselin kids are getting $200,000 for “Kate Plus 8″. Meanwhile, papa Jon Gosselin gets $70,000 not to appear on the show. [NYDN]
You can pay $4 to throw a live chicken to lions for feeding at a wildlife park outside of Beijing. Fork over $60 and you can chuck in a live goat. Bet that new Harry Potter them park in Orlando doesn’t sound so exciting now. [AFP]
Guess who wasn’t so hot on K-pop star Rain winning an MTV Movie Award for “Biggest Badass Star”? His 2008 dance battlin’ nemesis, Stephen Colbert. [Colbert Nation - thanks, Hau!]
The Daily Beast put together a nifty slideshow recapping bloggers getting in trouble with the law. From a loyal DISGRASIANtern to her two lady blogging bosses: be careful! [The Daily Beast]
Because, bottom line, we really can’t handle watching some gross, bloated, neanderthal douchetool squeezing his gross, bloated, neanderthal belly.
And who can’t eat french food without shitting his pants.
And who can’t shit his pants without talking about it.
Or someone who has to “act stoned” to be stoned. Guaranteed this fool looked at the wall and said, “I see moving colors” or something. Jesus Christ. These dorks make Britney and KFed look erudite.
Or someone whose (former) girlfriend has the ability to make delicious, curvaceous, crunchy Pringles look NOT-THAT-TASTY.
Or someone whose (former) girlfriend looks like a person that can’t help but smell like sweat, musky perfume (a cardinal sin in our book), stale Pringles, cigarette ash, and old hair.
Or someone who ever starred on ANYTHING “plus 8.”
And grew soooooooo tired of cameras ruining his family’s life, but felt it was a good idea to continue documenting the minutiae of his gross, bloated life with a shitty little camera.
While getting stoned with his gross (former) girlfriend thousands of miles away from the “8″ and his estranged (but still) wife.
A video that would potentially (hopefully) be leaked online at some point in the future, hopefully at a time when the tabloids were no longer a-callin’ and Christian Audigier stopped returning calls.
Never passing the pipe to JGoss. NEVAH.
Happy birthday to Kate Gosselin, who turned 35 (yes, only) on Sunday!
Here’s hoping that this year she’ll be able to spend more quality off-camera time with her brood of Amazian munchkins.
Because that naggy bitch can’t dance!
Oh goodness, I’m JOKING. Of course nobody deserves to get cheated on by their
bloat-faced, aging, douchey, deadbeat, stubby-dicked, famewhore husband whose Ed Hardy/cheap chick midlife crisis has shamed us all spouse.
But seriously, bitch can’t dance. And after watching that segment, it appears to me that she actually sucks more at learning.
I know what you might be about to say: “But Diana, have a little compassion! Do you understand what kind of pressure she must be under? Have you ever tried to learn a dance in a week with absolutely no idea what you’re doing and some crazy militant teacher losing their shit? It’s difficult!”
Of fucking course I’ve had to do that. I am from a Hardass Asian Family. Come on.
When I was in fifth grade, my cousin Jennifer–who had just enrolled at my school–convinced me to enter the talent show with her. We auditioned with a fairly simple step-touch routine set to Debbie Gibson’s “Only In My Dreams,” which I choreographed myself (I even included a partner lift and an “improv your own solo by feeling the beat” section at the bridge, for more zazzle). Excited as hell to finally make our mark on the elementary student body, we practiced daily for hours.
A week before the big night, Jennifer pulled out. Stage fright. I was faced with the decision to pull out or do the routine alone (How do you do a lift alone, I ask you?). Frankly, the simple routine was boring without the zazzle, and I was too angry to choose either option. This was our chance to make our mark, dammit!
Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s jilted ex, tweeted a photo yesterday–obviously phony–of the “stubby” penis she shared with Kate Gosselin and a few other mediocre chicks. (Warning: DO NOT click the picture link if you throw up easily. Or if you’re at work.)
Let me first just say that as an admirer of fine penises, I am deeply offended by this photo.
And then I will add to that statement that CALLING YOUR FORMER RIDE “NASTY” SIMPLY SHOWS THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SETTLE AND SMOOSH YOUR MOIST ORIFICES ON A SAD, HIDEOUS DICK. Such a statement shames you far more than the owner of said penis–he didn’t have a choice.
Augh, what a wicked game Glassman is playing. It’s a contest in which nobody wins. Especially not me. I feel like I need to take a shower and watch some good porn to wash this sad image away. Or borrow my friend’s copy of Guys Gone Wild. Or my sister’s old Playgirls.
Jeez, did I ever really think that Jon Gosselin was the biggest fame whore of this bunch?
Filed under: 15 Minutes of Fame, Airing Dirty Laundry, DISGWITTER, Famewhore Twitterers, Hailey Glassman, Hideous Dicks, Horrific Images, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin's "Stubby" Penis, Kate Gosselin, Magic Weiner, Mediocre Chicks, Shameful Behavior, Shameful Sex Acts, Small Penis Jokes, Small Penises, Trash Talking, Tweets, Twitter
And you know what’s not tiny? The yeast infection I’m getting looking at those cheap hooker panties.
If you’ll excuse me…
Filed under: Cocks, Dicks, Hailey Glassman, Hooker Bitches, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Jon Gosselin Dick, Kiss-And-Tell, Magic Weiners, Mixed People, That's What You Get For Going Out With Hookers, Tiny Penises, Yuck
Ladies and Gents, it’s been quite a year: Dubya left the building, Laura and Euna came back to us safely, Miley got goofy, Nadya Suleman lips got tabloid time, Kanye lost his hand, the Gosselins aired every last Garanimal of their dirty laundry, and Tiger Woods fell off his hookerbitch-lovin’ pedestal.
DISGRASIAN also got a makeover.
Frankly, we’re pooped. So we’re taking the rest of the year off for a little shaming break.
But before we go, we thought we’d mention our plans for celebrasian–which include a bit of donasian to Hyphen Magazine!
Alright, maybe we’re a little biased because they’ve spent some of their non-profit funds photographing us this year. But we also believe in Hyphen–what they do and how they do it is an inspirasian to us all.
Filed under: 2009, Donasians, Dubya, Euna Lee, Hyphen Cover, Hyphen Magazine, Jon Gosselin, Kanye West, Kate Gosselin, Laura Ling, Miley Cyrus Chink Eye, Nadya Suleman, President Barack Obama, See you in 2010, Taking a Hating Break, The Gosselins, Tiger Woods
I don’t smile when a marriage splits up. Breakups are sad and awful things, and the end of a marriage is hardly a joke–they are painful for too many parties, from the parents to the kids to the kids’ teachers to mutual friends to the restaurant managers that always give married couples a free dessert after dinner to bubbly dry cleaner ladies that love to ask about how the other half is doing. The only people that enjoy divorces are lonely, angry folks and lawyers.
By no means a happy thing, but perhaps it is cause for celebrasian… for us all. This divorce brings the horrible couple one step closer to finality–or at least to taking their idiotic conflict offline, hopefully forcing them to focus on what’s gonna neutralize all of the shit they’ve put their kids through rather than their childish back-and-forth.
Meanwhile, the rest of us can all take a deep breath and the necessary 14 seconds to forget they ever existed.
So CONGRATULASIANS, Jon and Kate. We all probably need to get some closure and move on.
Filed under: Celebrasian, Divorce, Famous-For-Nothings, Fresh Divorces, Fucking Up Your Kids, Go Awaysian, Gosselin Kids, Gosselins Finalize Divorce, Jon and Kate Divorce, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Sad Things, The Gosselins