Is Ann Curry Getting Fired From “The Today Show” Because She’s Too Asian?

There’s no shortage of theories as to why Ann Curry will be imminently fired, er, “replaced” as co-host of “The Today Show” after only a one year-stint, a fact first reported by the NY Times’ Media Decoder blog this week. The theories range from the timeless Ann Is Awkward to Ann Is A Bad Actor to the widely-acknowledged but still news-to-me Ann Prefers Hard-Hitting News To Fluff–I guess I’ve always been better-acquainted with this side of her work–to perhaps the least-relevant but still sorta-funniest theory of them all,  Ann Has Terrible Fashion Sense.

The Unfortunate But Perhaps Not Totally Unintentional Chyron That Appeared Under Ann Curry The Day After News Spread Of Her Getting Canned

It’s not just, as Gawker pointed out, that everybody hates Ann Curry, it’s that everybody loves to hate Ann Curry. And though we’ve partaken of this pastime considerably over the years–see Ann Is Making This All About Her or Ann Is An Idiot For Not Letting Ryan Gosling Put His Hands All Over Her or Ann Can’t Dance For Shit or the general Ann Is A Robot category–this latest national piling-on in anticipation of her firing just feels too mean.

Perhaps the most interesting theory put forth as to why Ann Curry’s failed to connect with her audience is that she’s Asian. The NY Times’ Mike Hale, who is himself of Asian descent, called Curry “The Today Show” family’s “stepsister,” musing:

I don’t know what personal factors might come into play in creating an on-screen distance. You could speculate about certain things. Ms. Curry is biracial (Japanese-American) and spent part of her early childhood living overseas, a situation that has been known to generate self-reliance and reserve. (Barack Obama probably wouldn’t make the warmest of morning hosts.)

Funny thing is, I never really think about Ann Curry’s Asian-ness. Except when contemplating her flawless, 55 year-old(!) skin. (Bitch, give me the name of your derm.) Then again, descriptors that have been used to describe Curry time and again and especially of late, descriptors like “robotic,” “awkward,” and “unable to emote,” are pretty much code for “Asian.” I mean, hug one of us if you don’t believe me.

Or better yet, save that hug for Ann Curry. She needs it, y’all, poor thing. And while you’re there, lightly feel around, between the shoulder blades I’m guessing, to see if you can make out the almost-imperceptible outline of a control panel. Won’t hurt to look, and it could potentially explain everything.

[NYT: Morning TV's Stepsister Feels the Ratings Heat]

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Ann Curry Was Wrong, Therefore We R2

Y’all know we’ve always thought Ann Curry was a robot. A really silky-voiced, smooth-skinned, awkward-dancing, non-aging robot programmed to never have her lipstick smudge and to have a fangirl’s devotion to Brad Pitt.

BUT WE WERE WRONG.

Because over the weekend, Ann Curry made a mistake. While giving the commencement address at Wheaton College in Massachusetts, she confused it with the Wheaton College in Illinois by citing the latter’s illustrious alumni, which include evangelist Billy Graham, director Wes Craven, and 9/11 hero Todd Beamer.

Proof positive that Ann is…human?

DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Read her charming apology here, where she asks for forgiveness twice and admits, “I am mortified by my mistake.” She may not be a robot, but feeling shame over making a very public mistake means she’s most definitely Asian.

[via HuffPo]

Thanks, Shaheen and Dave!

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How To Make A Wedding Even More Awkward: A Robot

Here’s a romantic story…

A Japanese robotics professor falls for a beautiful female employee of Kokoro (Sanrio’s humanoid robot division). They tumble deeply in love, and are married at a beautiful ceremony, surrounded by family and friends. The sacred, romantic service is officiated by none other than their close friend… a humanoid robot with the world’s cutest voice.

And no, it wasn’t Ann Curry:




Robot. Wedding. Robot. Wedding.

OMG OMG OMG I JUST HAVE CREEPY AWKWARD TINGLES RUNNING ALL THROUGH MY BODY RIGHT NOW! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!

[via Boing Boing]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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This Robot Woks

Finally, a robot’s been invented that isn’t just an expensive (read: sad), cutting-edge (read: sad), and sad (read: pathetic) excuse for a blow-up doll.

Students at Yangzhou University and Shanghai Jiaotong University in China have come up with a fully-automated robot that can cook “600 classic Chinese dishes,” according to Popular Science. (Only from a civilization that’s been around for a gajillion years like China could you have 600 “classic” dishes.) All you have to do is pour in the ingredients and let it go to wok.

Here’s a demo from the 2009 version (begins at :30):

This is so much better than a sex robot. Actually, this may even be better than sex.

[via Neatorama]

[Popular Science: Student-Created Wok Robot Can Cook 600 Chinese Dishes]<--Look, Dad, I read a science journal!

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The World’s First Sex Robot Has Been Unveiled, And It Doesn’t Look Like Ann Curry…

…NOR was it invented by the Japanese!!!

She can't move her head, but sure does give great...

Roxxxy, the first functional sex robot with artificial intelligence, was unveiled by New Jersey-based creator TrueCompanion at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas over the weekend.

From Fox News:

“She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,” Douglas Hines, the president of ROXXXY manufacturer TrueCompanion, told the AFP. “She’s a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate a personality of a person.”

Not to hate on a breakthrough, but we’re a little dissatisfied. Sure, a sex robot sounds great. But we couldn’t care less if our robot sleeps, feels our touch, or talks about her day. We want her to call us a stallion, screw us on demand, and occasionally cook us a lasagna. Is that too much to ask?

[via HuffPo]
[Fox News: ROXXXY, the World's First Life-Size Robot Girlfriend]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Ann Curry

Our pal Angry Asian Man haaaaates it when we make fun of Ann Curry, because he’s got a mad crush on the Today show anchor, who turns 53 today.

People CurryBut the truth is, we do, too.

There’s something ineffably charming about her, whether it’s her repeatedly wishing you a good morning or her oogly-love for Brad Pitt that makes her go all fangirl during an interview. We’ve called her a robot time and again, yet we can’t actually remember how that got started in the first place–must have something to do with how perfect she always seems (and certainly how perfect her lipstick always is).

She’s just trying soooooo hard alllllll the time, y’know?

She should get points for that. And since it’s her birthday, we’re only going to say nice things about Ann. Here goes:

Ann, baby. You turn 53 today, and you look fuckin’ amazing. Please email us the name and number of your derm when you get a chance. You seem like a nice person, way nicer than us, all oozy with compassion, even when you’re talking to hideous fame trolls like Octomom, i.e. people we’d rather punch in the face. Your voice, that silky, smooth alto, could soothe the bloodlust of famished baby hyenas. We kid and we tease you only out of love. Now please don’t stop doing ridiculous things like really awkward hip-hop dancing or attempting to scale one of the world’s tallest, cruelest mountains or inappropriately touching movie stars’ faces, or we won’t have anything fun to write about anymore.  Oh, and happy birthday!

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Not Just A Hobby-Hob, Robots Need A Jobby-Job

Pay. Me. Sucka.

The NY Times has reported that Japan’s robots are now facing a devastating rise in unemployment, due to the economic slump of our current worldwide recession.

What does this mean for American robots? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL ANN CURRY DO!?!? IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY!?!???????????????????????? ANN! BABY! IF YOU’RE READING THIS, CALL ME AND I’LL START PUTTING MY FEELERS OUT FOR NEW GIGS. WE’LL FIND SOMETHING. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.

[NYT: In Recession, Japanese Lay Off Robots]

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Thanks, Eliza and Pete!
Sorry, Phil!

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Sometimes You Wonder If They Mean, Like, Funny "Ha Ha"

Jen and I always read all of most of some of our mail. And we get it–sometimes, folks are not happy with all of the things we say. There are people who feel we’re too rough on Ann Curry (By the way: Seriously? It’s not like she isn‘t a robot). And there are those few remaining Gwen Stefani fans who wish we whouldn’t comment on her man-shoulders. There’s Tila Tequila, who likes our sense of humor (??!), but changes her mind once she sees we don’t believe she actually buys Chanel (or that she should exist).

Maybe y’all get mad sometimes. And you want to tell us. That’s cool, guys. That’s fine. That’s par for the course for two ladies pouring pitchers of Haterade.

But might I make one request: the next time you’re all worked up, huffy and puffy with your mouse clicking away and your little fingers tippity-tappity-ing against your keyboard, fueled by unsettled angst while composing an angry email to us–please remember what your Asian “ha ha” alternative might be if gals like us weren’t busy policing the Web:

“OMG” is precisely what comes to mind

…and try to see that we’re just tryin’ to do our job. And we love you–we’re just trying to keep you safe and free from humiliasian and shame, caused by our fellow citizens.

Unless you’ve got a real hankering for “69 Photos of Asian Girls Posing,” all day, every day–in which case, DISGRASIAN is probably not the site for you. Please. Step. Away.

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Thanks, H.K.!

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Giant Robots Rule

HOLY CRAP!!!!!


Gizmodo recently posted pictures of the 59-foot tall, fully armed and operative (well, at least lit up and moving) Gundam robot that was erected in Tokyo, and it’s just totally dfi;!!%&@fjdsiof dsajfdwowwowwowwow fucking amazing!

Now, if they could only build a giant Ann Curry, fully armed and operative, as well. That would be friggin’ insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!!

“What the world needs is a BIG me.”

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Ann Curryella

Meredith Vieira as Pinocchio, Matt Lauer as Humpty Dumpty, Ann Curry as Cinderella, and Al Roker as The Gingerbread Man

The Today show crew dressed up as fairy tale characters for Halloween, and our favorite robot Ann Curry went as Cinderella, or, in her own words, “an ethnic J.Lo Cinderella.” While I’m glad she’s making a case for ethnic Cinderellas, she looks more like an ethnic J.Lo Cinderella’s evil stepmonster trying to upstage her stepdaughter at some royal event to which the evil stepmonster was charitably invited, despite being a raging shebitch who used to make Cindy scrub floors and clean toilets. Her Cinde-weave looks really grey. The cream color of her dress washes her out, too. And I don’t think anyone over the age of 6 should ever wear a ballgown, because they’re aging (whenever I watch the Oscars, I scream this all night long at the television), a problem that Ann doesn’t have in real life, making this costume all the more confounding.

Ah well. I suppose things could be worse. Like, say, having a big blue M&M for a ballsack.

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Speaking of Robots

This little guy, dubbed “Yuki-taro,” is a self-guided Japanese robot that clears snowbanks and compresses them into perfect bricks of ice:

Stick that in your robo-eye, Ann Curry!

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Don’t Worry, Ann Curry

News reports have confirmed that Ann Curry was captured yesterday after fleeing from a moving vehicle in North Fort Myers, Florida. *Insiders say that she was last seen robot-running from the set of The Today Show with metallic tears streaming from her aluminum eyes, bleating, “Screw. You. Matt. Lauer! I will. Not. Be. Your. Smiling Robot Friend. Anymore! This. Charade. Is Over. I Need. To Be Free! Make Al Roker. Your Bitch! Good. Bye!”

“Ann Curry,” the common name for prototype Android CURR176-051B, was first developed in 1962 by a Les Lee, a robotics engineer who often commiserated with pal George Lucas about how “‘droids do it better.” Lee has spent most of his career making robots in the model of his mother’s image to serve for national news reporting and reality show casts.

After being treated for minor injuries, Curry will be sent to North Carolina for rehabilitasian and possible duplicasian for future needs.

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*most of this story is untrue. However, a zebra named Ann Curry was indeed captured after escaping from a moving vehicle in Florida and was sent to N. Carolina to breed. We wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the story (metallic tears and all) happened anyway.

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