#Linsanity, The Valentine’s (Or VaLintine’s) Day Edition: Who Should Be Jeremy Lin’s Basketball Wife?

February 14th, 2012 | 10 comments | Posted by Jen

So Linsanity took, what, all of a week to sweep the nation? Now what?

If Jeremy Lin keeps playing the way he’s been playing, he’s going to have to negotiate a much bigger contract when he becomes an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season. (Currently, he makes the league minimum.) But that’s for his sports agent to figure out.

And dude needs a place to live, since he’s currently–and adorably–crashing with his older brother Josh, who’s in dentistry school at NYU. But that’s for his real estate agent to figure out. Preferably after his sports agent figures out where Lin will be playing next year.

After all that, the next thing Lin ought to figure out is who his “And One” will be. Because nothing–apart from a lot of sparkly man-jewelry–says “I’ve arrived” in the NBA quite like a Basketball Wife, a boo to cheer you on when everyone else is, well, booing your sorry ass. And since it happens to be the holiday of bitterness, loneliness, cliched expressions of affection, flawed diamonds, deli flowers, teddy bears that give you allergies, cheap boxes of chocolates, and crying yourself to sleep, er, LOVE, I’ve taken it upon myself to be Jeremy’s matchmaker. (And, yes, my ten percent cut can totally come in the form of courtside seats.)

JAMIE CHUNG

Like it or not, at the moment, Jamie is arguably the most famous young Asian American female “celebrity.” (I use this word loosely because, ahem, Sorority Row.) And since Jeremy is the most famous young Asian American male celebrity, this match makes the most sense if you are of the belief that celebrity dating’s exactly like high school. Which it is. Other things Jamie has going for her: she already has Basketball Wife Hair. It’s all about The Hair if your dude’s a baller. And did you know Jamie’s middle name is Jilynn? J-Lin + Jilynn? Damn. That’s gotta be Korean for “kismet.”

Clockwise from left: Jamie Chung, Mrs. Lamar Odom, and the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Kobe

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: JERAMIE

RIHANNA

After seeing Chris Brown’s face all over this year’s Grammys, a mere 3 years after he beat in Rihanna’s, and with rumors persisting that the two still see one another now and then, I find myself feeling a bit like Rih-Rih’s mother. Like, “Why can’t she just find a nice boy and settle down?” Jeremy Lin could be that nice boy. He’s humble. He’s all about family. He loves Jesus. It might be a hard switch converting Rihanna from The Thug Life–a posture I’m not sure I believe, anyway–to The Way, The Truth, and The Life, but if anyone can do it, it’s “The Taiwanese Tebow.”

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: JERIH-RIH

SELENA GOMEZ

The other day when I was tweeting about #Linsanity, it occurred to me that Lin fans are rabid, fanatical, and have enormous potential. Belieber-level potential. Which I define as “Typically Nice, Harmless Folk Who Turn Into 4Chan-Type Vigilantes With Sharp, Flesh-Piercing Fangs When You Talk Shit About Their Idols.” That’s pretty much the only reason Selena Gomez came to mind. (That and she, too, has The Hair.) But first, Lin stans need a name on par with “Beliebers.” The Lindoctrinated? The Linfantry? The Lintelligentsia? Come on, people, work with me here.

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: SELINA

ROONEY MARA

You’re thinking: This one’s a bit of a stretch. I’m thinking: This one’s a bit of a stretch. Or is it? Consider these points. Rooney Mara is sports royalty, hailing from both the Rooney family, who own the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Mara family, who own the Super Bowl-winning NY Giants (doesn’t it seem like that happened a million years ago)? If Jeremy stays with the Knicks and gets with Rooney, they could potentially give Jay-Z and Beyonce a run for their money as King and Queen of New York City. Also, Mara starred in The Social Network, which takes place mostly at Harvard, Lin’s alma mater. And she starred in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Lin was born in 1988, i.e. The Year of the Dragon. It’s currently 2012, another year of the dragon. The stars are aligning on this one. Trust.

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: MARLIN

MICHELLE WIE

Athletes get each other. Just ask Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf, Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm, and Kristi Yamaguchi and, ah, Mr. Kristi Yamaguchi, aka That Hockey Player she married. Not to mention the genetic advantages Michelle and Jeremy could pass on to their children! And at 6’1″, Michelle could still wear heels–kitten heels, at least–around the 6’3″ Jeremy, without totally Tom Cruising him. Both went to elite colleges (Wie graduates Stanford next month), so when they’re not hitting the gym together, they could nerd out on, like, quantum mechanics or whatever smart kids are into these days. Oh, and they’re both sponsored by Nike. In other words, just do it.

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: MICHELIN

KIM KARDASHIAN

HA! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I want to ruin this boy’s life?!

COUPLE “KNICKNAME”: K-LIN, KARDASHILIN, 72 DAY-CONTRACT

Oh, and Jer-Jer, when you do find your VaLintine, here’s a little advice on how to make her feel like she’s One Lin A Million:

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10 Responses to “#Linsanity, The Valentine’s (Or VaLintine’s) Day Edition: Who Should Be Jeremy Lin’s Basketball Wife?”

  1. ceileen says:

    entertaining piece! by the way, can you explain the usage of the strike through?

  2. mellowyel says:

    LOL I loved this. I’m all for Michelin, but “72-Day Contract” is the best nickname ever.

  3. originalspLin says:

    BrazilLINt piece of social network, DisgraJen. Truly epic. MICHELIN. TOM CRUISING. I died.

    As for a tribe name for the Lin people, here are my suggestions:

    1. The Linner Circle
    2. The Jeremeek (because the Jeremeek shall inherit the Earth)
    3. The Linquisition. NOBODY EXPECTS THE FANNISH LINQUISITION.

    OK, I’m done.

  4. Jen says:

    @mellowyel Love you for noticing that.

    @originalspLin “Linquisition” is the bomb.

  5. Diana says:

    so, so, so, so, so, so, so effing hilarious.

  6. keyshawn says:

    Lin needs to date white girls. No asians. That will help raise the profile of Asian guys, and make asian guys look better

  7. Jen says:

    “No asians”! Damn @keyshawn. You’re gonna have a Lintifada led by Asian chicks if you keep talkin’ like that.

  8. kkoltai says:

    I would hate to be the bearer of bad news, but looks like Kim K is interested.

    http://www.christianpost.com/news/kim-kardashian-to-date-jeremy-lin-69655/

  9. keyshawn says:

    Jen – How often do you see a white girl dating asian guy? In LA, i would say never. Lin could be a catalyst.

    Kim K is NOT interested. I think Katy Perry would be a nice match.

  10. Jen says:

    Most of the interracial couples I know who are Asian men/white women are in LA actually. But they’re all married or living together, and I have to assume, based on your comments, that they’re quite a bit older than your peer group.

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