The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old guy’s staring at us.”
“What guy?” she asked.
“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”
She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.
Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.
Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.
I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.
In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.
Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week.
According to Carmon, Posters share dickflashing photos, videos, stories, and give each other tips on–among many things–how not to get jizz on your pants. Or whom to target to avoid getting caught:
For the gentlemen on Dickflash, the targets are never accidental — there is lots of talk on the forums of teenage girls, and to a lesser extent female in-laws.
In a thread that polled users on whether they’d been arrested (click to enlarge the results), one poster laid out hard-learned ground rules: “No white women over the age of 25 unless you have a wicked getaway plan. Flash Asian women or Black women, Asian’s are too embarrased to call the cops and black women think it’s funny.“
I won’t lie, the thread certainly got me thinking about whether or not I could’ve avoided about six of those strange weiners, if only my eyes weren’t so almondy. Y’know what though, I’ve always felt that basic female horror knows no color lines…
But why think about the past, when we’re talking about a FORUM FOR FUCKING FLASHERS? All I want to say here is that I want to applaud these anuses for making their dicussions public. After all, it’s so much easier to find sexual assaulters when they leave a web trail.
And I’ve also been inspired to create a new website of my own:
FlashMeYourDickAndIllCutItOff.com. (Coming soon!!!)
You rock, N’jaila!
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