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Why Does The Internet Want Jackie Chan Dead?

Sure, there was a time when we wanted Jackie Chan to go away. Like, during that almost-ten year period we’ll call The Rush Hour Era, when Jackie’s enormous capacity to entertain was basically reduced to being the butt of some played-out ching-chong-ling-long-ting-tong jokes. And, yes, we even called him an Uncle Tam on occasion.

But we never wished him dead, unlike the Internetz, which proclaimed him dead twice this year, first in March and again this past Wednesday. The “R.I.P. Jackie Chan” Facebook page that started this latest death hoax has already gained 370,000+ fans in just one day.

The question is: why now? Allow me to rephrase: who the fuck cares? The last movie I Continue reading Why Does The Internet Want Jackie Chan Dead?

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Me Love You Long Tongue

Though it might seem a bit strange, I LOVE that 19-year-old Rhiannon Brooksbank–Jones, a UK student, got her slightly-shorter-than-average tongue lengthened–in a parent-approved, 15-minute elective lingual frenectomy.

All so that she could speak Korean without sounding “foreign.”

From the Telegraph UK:

“I’d been learning Korean for about two years, and my speaking level was high, but I was really struggling with particular sounds,” she said.

It became apparent after a little while that I was having trouble with the Korean letter ‘L’, which is very frequent and comes from a slightly higher place in the mouth than the English ‘L’, and that my tongue was too short.

Koreaphiles come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of commitment, but Brooksbank-Jones clearly knows that, err, bullshit walks and surgery talks. (Wait, what?) Or that getting freaky with Korean girls all through college does not a Korean expert make. Or that Korean culture is not *just* about imbibing copious amounts of Hite beer, KBBQ, TV dramas and sexy/angry/pretty men (Or is it?).

What I mean is, though she’s studied the language for two years, plans to major in Korean at University, and dreams of living in her beloved Asian country as an adult, she knows that real Koreans won’t pay her any mind unless she speaks like a native. And she did what it takes to speak like a native (in this case, that meant a small incision in the flap connecting her tongue and mouth floor). This chick is so not fucking around!

But just a quick aside: I had no idea that lingual frenectomies were so easy-peasy. To think that a simple snip could help someone speak an entirely different language? It has me wondering if a quick tongue-lengthening might help one speak all kinds of other languages… perhaps even the language of love? And by “language of love,” I mean YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[Telegraph UK: British Student Has Tongue Lengthened To Speak Korean]

Source
Thanks, Chris!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! This Wack “How To Be Asian” Tutorial

Here’s a video on “How To Be Asian” by some chick named Nicole. It’s supposed to be funny or something? Apparently it’s an inside joke and part of an ongoing schtick of Nicole’s that involves putting shit on her face to become another race (black, usually) and maybe being self-satirizing about it but also maybe just being lazy and racist.

Taped eyes? Yellowface? Ching chong? Yawn.

The real tip on “How To Be Asian” that’s missing from the vid? If you want to be Asian, rule number one is Don’t Suck. I don’t know if this video was supposed to make me laugh or give me an outrage boner but neither happened. It just kinda hung there like a stale fart waiting to be collected in a glass jar and ushered out of the room so the rest of us could carry on. It was meh, it was mediocre. Mediocrity, of course, is failure, and failure isn’t Asian.

[LA Weekly: How to Become Asian: Alexandra Wallace Wannabe Takes Video Racism to New Low]

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Is The McDonald’s Asian Salad Racist?

When you hear the words “McDonald’s Asian Salad” uttered together–which bills itself as “the perfect combination of deliciousness with snow peas, mandarin oranges and edamame…topped with Newman’s Own® Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing”–is “racist” the first thing that comes to mind?

Seen tagged in L.A., photo by John Fitzgerald

Or do you, like me, think: “How many times does your mom have to drop you on your head as a baby for you to order salad at McDonald’s?”

[McDonald's website: Premium Asian Salad]

Thanks, Fitz and Meatbars!

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Dickflashers United

The first time I was flashed by someone’s unsolicited penis, I was 12. My female cousin and I were sitting at an outdoor table on the patio of a little French-Vietnamese cafe, eating cake, giggling, likely talking about floral skirts or boys. In the middle of a sentence, I noticed a man about five yards away, standing at his bicycle. “Yuck,” I said to my cousin. “That old  guy’s staring at us.”

“What guy?” she asked.

“Uh, the weird old guy over there standing at his bike,” I muttered under my breath. “Don’t look, don’t look, he’ll see–”

She turned unsubtly to look. I took another glance then, too, what the hell.

Undisturbed, the bike man kept staring at us. I immediately retreated from the eye contact and dropped my gaze… down… to… his limp penis, which was hanging out of the open zipper in his pants, the tip resting weirdly on the top tube of the bike frame.

Dirty, I thought, referring to both the tip-touched bike frame and the perv.

I was nervous and wanted to escape. She, thankfully, hadn’t taken in the whole picture yet. I spoke through my teeth, code-speaking a plan to get back inside to the safety of the cafe and its brightly-lit bakery case, and she followed me despite her confusion. We hid inside as he tucked his worm back in and pedaled away, then ran back to where we’d left our parents.

In the decades since, I’ve probably glimpsed about ten more strangers’ penises that I never wanted to see. Some silently shown, some being wanked, some flaccid, some less so, all hideous–because frankly, there’s nothing more hideous than an unsolicited penis.

Which is why I wish I had the nards to create a fake membership and start digging around on Dickflash.com, a forum for people that love to, uh, flash their dicks to strangers (and a couple of hanger-on basic exhibitionists), which Jezebel’s Irin Carmon kindly infiltrated and investigated earlier this week. Continue reading Dickflashers United

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Brazilian Soccer Team’s Chink-Eye Ad

I don’t know much about soccer, but I think we can all agree it’s an international sport. It’s the world’s most popular sport, for one thing. And the sport’s crowning event, the FIFA World Cup, is a tournament with over 200 participating nations, and, consequently, the world’s most-watched sporting event.

“Real football” is also a game governed by international rules. Rules Brazil’s Santos FC broke this week when an ad was revealed featuring some its top players “celebrating” the fact that the 2011 FIFA Club World Cup will be held in Japan later this year.

This is sort of astounding when you consider Brazil is home to the largest population of people of Japanese descent outside of Japan. And while apparently there are a number of Brazilians on the interwebz defending Santos FC’s use of the chink-eye as a gesture of affection–sound familiar?–this ad still gets a red card.

Law 12 of the International Football Association Board's Laws of the Game clearly states a player can be sent off the field for "using offensive, insulting or abusive language and/or gestures"

Even if the chink-eye isn’t considered offensive in Brazil–which I find hard to believe, Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Brazilian Soccer Team’s Chink-Eye Ad

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BABEWATCH: “Bruce Lee In Casual Wear” Action Figure

Y’all. I never knew an action figure could be sexy until I laid eyes on Hot Toys’–appropriate name–Bruce Lee in Casual Wear action figure. Bruce Lee’s always been a muthafucka with mad swag but this one you can actually touch. I mean, the shades, the lace-up shirt, those spectators, and a beach chair included? I don’t know if I want to lick him or bite his style. A little bit of both I guess.

Don’t get me wrong. I tried to lust after my brother’s Han Solo action figure back in the day, but they made him ugly back then. Plus my bro never let me near any of his collectibles. Now I know why!

Whether you want to lick him or be him, Bruce Lee in Casual Wear will set you back about $150. Whatevs.

[MWCTOYS.com: Bruce Lee in Casual Wear Review]

Thanks, Oliver!

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The Lost Summer’s Eve “Hail To The V” Asian Vagina Reel

You know those Summer’s Eve commercials that created quite a stir recently? The ones that seemed to imply all women’s vadges are dirty but most especially those of women of color?

Here’s the “black version”:

And the “Latina version”:

But there was no Asian version. Which left me with all sorts of confused feelings. Like, Hey, are our vadges not dirty, too? Wait, I didn’t just say that. But it feels bad to be left out! No, no, it doesn’t. What I mean is…I just really really want to see what a stereotypical Asian vadge sounds like? Okay?

And then, I got my wish*:

Continue reading The Lost Summer’s Eve “Hail To The V” Asian Vagina Reel

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