I have just a few questions about this new Chinese cleavage garment, a product that Jen’s mom tells me translates as “Devilish Peak” and promises to make breasts fuller, visible, and attention-getting with just a yank of two strings.
Okay, so, assuming I buy it:
1. Will my bosoms make that cool, zippy laser sound every time I pull on the strings?
2. Can my sad little A cups really turn into what looks like a very shapely, bouncy butt on my chest?
3. Why do the infographics lead me to believe that all the fat from my rice belly will somehow disintegrate and then regenerate underneath my areolae?
4. Total side note, and not a question: I just met a woman whose last name was Arriola, and thought damn, that must have sucked in junior high.
5. Also not a question: I think I got my rack checked out for the first time in three decades the other night, by a drugstore security guard, and I have to say that the experience was hardly all it was cracked up to be.
6. Okay but back to questions: This product promises that the body will be reshaped to a perfect “S,” transforming a figure from boring and flabby to that of a devil–which is apparently attractive and beautiful. But um, are devils really shaped all that nicely? I always imagine them like this:
…but maybe they’re talking about the kind of “devil” that my “sexy cousin” dresses up as every year at Halloween.
And one last question, which I can only ask myself:
1. DID I REALLY ASK JEN’S MOM TO WATCH THIS COMMERCIAL TWICE, TO MAKE SURE I GOT AN ACCURATE TRANSLASIAN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?
Thanks so much, Mrs. Wang! xx
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