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The Revolution Will Be…Eventually Turned Into A Marketing Campaign For Fresh Breath

To the non-violent protesters, people power revolutionaries, and good people across the Middle East and North Africa, a glimpse into your future:

Gandhi made of Chiclets: An Indian ad for Happydent White chewing gum

Because as Gandhi himself once said, “Anger is the enemy of non-violence and pride is a monster that swallows it up. And terrible breath is what that monster belches up once he’s finished feasting on his rage.”*

*More of a paraphrase than a direct quote.

[copyranter: Gandhi, Mother Theresa selling gum in India]
[Happydent website]

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Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

On this Valentine’s Day, we ponder the question: What’s the best way to say “I love you”?

With flowers?

Chocolate?

Diamonds?

Skywriting?

(Not microwaves, obviously.)

Fuck that! This is the real way you show your significant other you’re in it for the long haul:

Continue reading Because Nothing Says “I Love You” Quite Like An Asian Baby

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Even Ninjas Have Bieber Fever

Everyone knows Justin Bieber has a badass bodyguard who’ll fuck you up if you try to harm a hair on the Biebs’ $750 coiffure. Which explains why the various Bieber-hater clans of the Internet resorted to hiring ninjas to infiltrate last night’s Grammys and destroy him.

The mercenaries came to the totally culturally irrelevant awards ceremony armed with throwing stars, poison darts, and their cloaks of invisibility to carry out their mission (and possibly catch a glimpse of Gaga getting hatched from an egg before, a sight not even ninjas get to see every day). But not long after the chorus to Bieber’s hit “Never Say Never” kicked in with “and there’s just no turning back/when your heart’s under attack,” the ninjas hired to kill the 16 year-old pop sensation realized that that was exactly what was happening to them.

Their cold ninja hearts were under attack, besieged with fever…Bieber Fever.

I could fall on him and snap his neck with my bare hands and no one would ever know what happened. But he's just so goddern adorbs! <333

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Even Ninjas Have Bieber Fever

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Why It’s Called The “Ex-Girlfriend Jean”

Levi’s has recently introduced a new denim style for men called the “Ex-Girlfriend Jean.”

Why anyone would want to be reminded of their ex-GF especially in the crotch area is beyond me, but what do I know? I don’t have a cock and balls.

Neither, apparently, does the wearer of said “Ex-Girlfriend Jean.” Which explains why Continue reading Why It’s Called The “Ex-Girlfriend Jean”

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Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes

Watch the speech Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) gave today at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), in which she pokes fun at her SOTU response gaffe, manages a pun on Chinese President Hu Jintao’s name that no one’s ever made before, and invites all of her college-aged groupies–some of whom are presumably underage–to “party hardy” with her later:

But, hey, at least Bachmann knows her math:

“There’s a difference between millions and billions. But there’s an even greater difference between billions and trillions.”

Mind is blown.

Because, seriously, Bachmann-as-the-Human-Calculator is pretty impressive, Continue reading Michelle Bachmann’s Got Jokes

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Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian

Nary Manivong was abandoned by his parents at the age of 14, leaving him and his siblings homeless. Today he’s a fashion designer showing a collection designed with Ally “Yes, My Dad Is Tommy” Hilfiger for Fashion Week, and the subject of the documentary, Dressed, now playing in New York City. [HuffPo]

The new It Bag? A murse! Luxury handbags from fashion houses such as Gucci, Burberry, and  Louis Vuitton are de rigueur status symbols for today’s affluent Chinese man. [LAT]

Jared Eng, creator of the popular gossip blogs Just Jared and Just Jared, Jr., shows that being a nice guy and a celebrity gossip blogger are not mutually exclusive. [NYT]

When Mark Zuckerberg unfriends you, he doesn’t fuck around: The Facebook founder has taken out a restraining order against Pradeep Manukonda, who’s stalked Zuckerberg at the Facebook offices and once at his home. [Gawker]

Italian fashion label Prada is planning to go public on the Hong Kong exchange. Their stock certificates are probably going to be gorge. [NYM]

Los Angeles-based musician Daniel Ho has two albums nominated for this year’s Grammy award for Hawaiian music. This is raising questions of authenticity among native Hawaiian musicians who’ve been overlooked in this category. [NYT]

Source

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AMAZIAN Jr. Explains What’s Happening In Egypt

Nina is a little girl growing up in Japan who somehow has a pretty firm grasp of what’s going on between the President and the “No Money Persons” in Egypt:

[via HuffPo]

For more videos of Nina on less political topics, go to her YouTube channel here.

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Let’s Go To The Congo, Kiddies!!!

For a limited time only, we can go to the Congo for $799.99!

Our “Congo Excursion 2011″ features an “8′ Wave Slide, Rock Wall w/Rope, Trapeze Bar, Belt Swing, Glider Swing, Telescope, Binoculars & More.”

The “& More” refers to:

And yet, speaking of, our Congo Excursion 2011 curiously fails to feature any black children:

Continue reading Let’s Go To The Congo, Kiddies!!!

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And Today’s Most Hyperbolic, Exploitative, And Just Plain Creepy Headline Award Goes To…

TMZ!

And never mind what her own mother thinks, let’s ask our esteemed TMZ readers what race baby Nahla is:

Continue reading And Today’s Most Hyperbolic, Exploitative, And Just Plain Creepy Headline Award Goes To…

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Of Course Electroshock Smile Therapy Was Invented By Asians [HOAX]

Hardass Asian Parents, do you wish your lazy, spoiled, selfish children would show some gratitude for all the sacrifices you’ve made for them by offering up a smile now and then? Is that too much to ask???

Welp, if it is, you can simply force their little mouths open with the Electro Smile, a device allegedly invented by a Japanese scientist that sends electric shocks to a child’s cheeks, producing a smile that “lasts for Days.”

I hate you, Mommy! BZZZZZZZZZ I mean, I love you, Mommy!

The gadget warns of an “only slight twitch side effect,” along with an only slight your-child-hating-you-forever-and-thinking-you’re-a-sadistic-fuck-for-the-rest-of-his-or-her-life (deep breath) effect.

[UPDATE: The photo above is for a real product, albeit one that doesn't deliver electroshocks (sorry, Tiger Moms). And the text is fake and not just the result of a horrible translation. The real product, as I learned from the comments section of Neatorama, is called a Kami Kami sensor, and it counts the number of bites children make while eating their food. Which actually seems way less useful than an electroshock smile therapy tool, don't you think?]

[Image via]

[via Neatorama]

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Super Bowl Sunday Hangover: Groupon’s Good Deeds

Guys, seriously, Groupon did a good thing, okay? Because after they aired that Super Bowl ad about Tibetans-being-oppressed-but-who-gives-a-shit-when-we-can-save-money (above), we’re actually talking about Tibet today. And when’s the last time anyone talked about Tibet? At a Bjork concert in 2008? Groupon’s made Tibet hip to talk about again! I mean, sure, talk is cheap, but so are things you buy with Groupons!

Also: Groupon actually aired that ad out of the goodness of their hearts, and are tying the ad to The Tibet Fund, where they’ll match your donations up to $100,000. (Never mind that, by comparison, their Super Bowl spots cost them $3 million.) That’s like giving a dime for every Tibetan who’s died in their political struggle with China over the last 60 years. 10 cents per human life, talk about bargains!

The other good deed Groupon performed? Relegating an ongoing political struggle for self-rule and religious freedom to a “noble cause” in line with whale and rainforest-saving. And we all know that “noble cause” is code for “bumper sticker cause” or “t-shirt cause,” which means we can all buy the bumper sticker or t-shirt for the cause–with a Groupon, I dare hope–and then stop thinking about the noble cause altogether. Oh hell, Continue reading Super Bowl Sunday Hangover: Groupon’s Good Deeds

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Happy Year Of The Rabbit Y’all

Today marks the start of the Year of the Rabbit, and it’s gonna be huge, we just know it.

Darius, the world's biggest rabbit

To celebrate, we give you…

Continue reading Happy Year Of The Rabbit Y’all

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