If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party

February 18th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

What are we all doin’ tomorrow night? A little birdie tells me that Kobe’s having a par-tay!

And it sure ain’t to celebrate his Lakers’ mortifying loss on Wednesday to the Cleveland Cavs.

Rather, tomorrow the 5-time NBA champ, 2-time NBA Finals MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer will receive an honor that no other athlete has ever received: cement prints in front of Hollywood’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.

According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.

The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.

A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:

  • Pai Gow poker
  • Crab legs
  • A “Math Bar.” What’s your pleasure: Multiplication, division, addition, subtraction, exponents, integers? You pick!
  • Hardass Asian Dad bouncers (no one gets in, no one gets out)
  • Hardass Asian Mom bartenders (expect a chintzy pour)
  • Tiny gymnasts
  • Stuffed animals
  • Hondas. Hondas everywhere.
  • Pianos
  • Chess
  • Homework

Okay, NOW we’re partying.

[TMZ: Kobe Bryant's NBA Bash -- Not All VIPs Welcome]

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3 Responses to “If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party”

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jasmine D, JeFreda Brown. JeFreda Brown said: If You Aren't Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well … http://bit.ly/hFiPpV [...]

  2. farleyk says:

    Perhaps I’m exposing my ignorance of such things, but just what is that on his finger? A suit-matching splint? A photo editing error? Maybe he’s so magnetic he needs to have an easily accessible lint remover?

    A hardcore math bar would have multidimensional vector calculus. Not for the squeamish.

    You left out the ninjas.

    Forget hand and footprints, give us a face print.

  3. Teamrobhogg says:

    I would like to say that Lebron James is the NBA’s most talented douchetool. Go Cavs.

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