So my latest troll down YouTube lane began with a link from my friend, Doug. It led to a video (removed from YouTube today) posted by an American gent in his fifties (and bearing an uncanny likeness to Captain Kangaroo). In it, he wears a custom hachimaki and dances wackily in front of the screen projection of a music video from the J-pop band Perfume. The man, who goes by the YouTube handle Perfume444, gleefully professes his longstanding love for Perfume–particularly his favorite member of the trio, A-Chan, as he makes kissing motions to her video lips. He smiles the biggest grin I’ve seen on a human being in weeks. The piece ends with a scrolling caption: “I really, really, really LOVE Perfume!!!”
I thought, instantly: DISGRASIAN. A snap judgment, yes, but I doubt I was the only one who would have made it.
But I needed to see more. So I clicked through to his YouTube channel. Quickly, I saw that Frank (Perfume444) had something to say for himself in the “About Me” section:
PERFUME 444 CHANNEL IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE SEEING ME…ITS ABOUT ME THANKING PERFUME FOR ALL THAT THEY HAVE DONE !!!
I have been to Japan in 2003 and 2005.. I play Drums so did 2 small tours in Japan. I LOVE JAPAN !!!! I miss it so much. The Japanese People are so kind and wonderful. I really feel like my soul is Japanese. About Perfume… I got into Perfume in early 2006. I was looking for Japan stuff on youtube, all kinds of music from Japan and I found Perfume. The song Akihabalove was the first one I heard. I fell in love with that song and the girls. I watched the beehive cam on youtube and watched them grow up. So my love for them is like a father daughter love. Not sex because they were so young at the time. Even now I still see them as big kids, NOT sex objects. Anyway…about the Music… I was hooked, It was so different then anything I heard before. my all time favorite song is Seventh heaven…It all ways makes me cry. I also love Secret Secret , Foundation, computer city, Macaroni, Edge , ” jenny in a bad mood ” wonder 2, Polyrhythm,Baby cruising love , Vitamin Drop, yes Its heard to pick just one song. A-Chan is my favorite. If I was 20 yrs old I would want to marry her. But Im not ! Im 55 yrs old. But perfume music makes me feel happy and young I wish I could find some one like A-Chan. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. her heart and sole are heaven ! The person that marries her will be the luckiest person on earth.
Well, shit, the words were sweet as perfume. AND LITTERED WITH RED FLAGS. (Quick, another snap judgment: Frank is a full-on Nippon perv who clearly thinks of the 21 and 22-year-old members of Perfume as sex objects. I mean, hello, read the “About Me” excerpt!)
But first, more proof. More videos. Needed to see more creepy, pervy, proofy videos. But my eyes slid to the right and glimpsed this user comment:
And a few more:
Dear Lord, these words of support were as earnest as my family hugs are awkward. I quickly became confused. (Snap judgment: Perfume fans are batshit.)
On the top of the page, Frank’s featured video marked the resolution of a mega-drama:
Hmm. The tears were real, the sentiment genuine. For wanting to pounce on him so quickly, I already felt bad. I still felt creeped out, but also bad. He calls out bullies in the statement; I hate bullies; I don’t want to be a bully. Boo.
Yet I remained confused enough to continue hunting. So in I went, to his archives (89 videos large), to see what the eff went down that caused Creepy Captain Kangaroosan–just last week–to almost quit YouTube, announce his resignation, receive a flood of support, and decide to eff the haters.
Here’s what I’ve got:
- Although Frank has been down with Perfume since ’06, he’s only been posting on YouTube for about a year.
- On his channel, he disseminates information, videos and original vlogs–all about Perfume.
- Frank’s favorite member of Perfume is definitely A-Chan. But he knows what Nocchi smells like.
- The drama begins after Frank posts what I believe he feels is an innocuous video celebrating the 22nd birthday of band member Kashiyuka. This video reenacts a “strange dream” Frank apparently had of Kashi with an older man (one might assume Frank) trying to give her “sweets for her birthday,” though she can only think of her pet squirrel glider (Get ready; it’s a doozy).
- As is the case with many zany videos, this one gets reposted. This time, to 4Chan.
- As is the case with many blogged videos, this one takes off. The hate mail begins pouring in.
- Perfume444 soon has a crisis of conscience. Is the hate mail true? Has he gone too far? Has he offended the girls? Their country? He asks them for an answer.
- Frank removes the birthday video.
- In the absence of an answer, Frank comes to a conclusion of his own. He decides he will not cause the girls of his beloved Perfume the disgrace of association with him. He cannot change the fact that he is creepy, but he can change the fact that he is making it public. He decides to bid the Internet farewell in a final video, one that seems both genuine and sad:
- However, an outpour of love and support from subscribers brings Frank back. For good.
- Frank reposts the birthday video.
- In Frank’s next video, he says “I’ll give you creepy” and discusses an attack of a giant vagina (statue). [Ed. note--the video was made private, literally, as I typed this post.]
Frankly, I can’t decide what to think about Perfume444. Harmless creep? Horrid perv? Sociopath? The most socially awkweird person ever? I donno. Here’s hoping this is all just a strange, strange dream. (Snap judgment: WORST. DREAM. EVER.)
And I’d like to wake up, like, now.
Thanks, G Scott and Doug!
Filed under: 4Chan, A-Chan, Captain Kangaroo, Creepy Old Dudes, Frank Evins, Happy Birthday Kashiyuka Video, Internet Memes, J-Pop, Japan, Kashiyuka, Nippon, Nocchi, Perfume, Perfume444, Pervs, Snap Judgments, Squirrel Glider, Wormholes, WTF?, YouTube, YouTube Is a Sordid Place