[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]
We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.
OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.
WHY IT’S A DICK: Trying to start something with South Korea was a serious dick move. Even more disturbing: the country’s uranium enrichment program. War Lust + Nukes + An Isolationist Dicktatorship = Bad News For Everybody.
OUR SOLUTION: Nuclear Dickarmament, aka Dick Cancer.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: These corporate climbers have never cared about safety. They spilled and killed The Gulf–devastating the entire region. And now they’re proving once again that they don’t give a shit by failing to pay up on huge monetary claims filed by Gulf business owners/oil spill victims, leaving to question whether or not the area and its citizens will recover anytime soon.
OUR SOLUTION: Frontline doesn’t have one, and neither do we. Oh wait, yes we do: Dick Cancer.
WHY IT’S A DICK: In 2010, Arizona proved that it was the biggest dick–and not in a good way–of the lower 48. It passed the racist and unconstitutional SB 1070 into law, kickstarted a national fear campaign of smearing undocumented immigrants–and, really, Latinos in general–as drug dealers and violent murderers, and re-elected a dick governor despite the fact that she lied on several occasions (see here and here) and had one of the loudest brain farts in gubernatorial debate history.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer, if Skin Cancer from all of that unmitigated desert sun doesn’t get it first.
WHY HE’S A DICK: Because of his steadfast refusal to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. And because, ultimately, he’s responsible for creating the monster dick we now know as Sarah Palin. And because, after years of not toeing the party line, Senator McCain, following his 2008 presidential defeat, did a 180 and turned into just another partisan fuck. Is it any wonder that McCain also happens to represent the Biggest Dick State in the land?
WHY IT’S A DICK: Well, for one thing, it just is. But also: It’s just so sad-looking and meh. And: It should’ve never agreed to be photographed and used to sexually harass a woman–and, allegedly, two other women–who had already rejected its advances on numerous occasions. Generally speaking: It should’ve stayed in Brett Favre’s pants. Or somewhere in the vicinity of his wife of 14 years, you know? And not to beat a dead dick but: It’s just so sad-looking and meh, and it made us want to stab our eyes out.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer. Horndog Inhibitor Pills. And, for the love of Cock, no more pics.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: They don’t move quickly. They rarely smile. They toss our water bottles. They muss our carry-ons. They de-belt us and de-shoe us. They rough up our MacBooks. They shove our Chanel foundation and Jurlique serum into cramped little Ziploc bags. And in 2010, in the name of safety, they chose to offer us the not-much-of-a-choice between full-body scanner humiliation and “enhanced” invasive patdown. The real clincher is that whether or not we feel any safer flying is, er, still up in the air. We can’t help but wonder: Has airport security reached its dickitude edge or has the suffering just begun?
OUR SOLUTION: A full-body scan and “enhanced” patdown. And Dick Cancer.
GEORGE W. BUSH
WHY HE’S A DICK: We’d actually been enjoying our bout of Dubya amnesia (probably caught in ’08 from the Republicans in Congress). Then, all of a sudden, the former President decided to take a break from his iPad Scrabbling habit to unveil a book of words he supposedly wrote. And that book supposedly contained explanations for *some* of the many WTF moments of Bush’s presidency. And those supposedly truthful explanations were meant to somehow shed some light on the whatthefuckery that we lived and are living right this min–oh shit, we just spelled “supposably” wrong.
OUR SOLUTION: The Words With Friends app, which should hold his attention longer. And Dick Cancer.
WHY SHE’S A DICK: Okay, Goopy. We officially hear you. Duets was not your singing career swan song. The willowy Gwyneth’s star is not done shining. You’re BACK. You’re not just a Coldplay wife and the mother of a fruit. And good for you, you belted out a Cee Lo classic on Glee. Your voice has guts in Country Strong. They gave you a standing O at the CMAs, which, ehrm, you’ve never deigned to attend before. You spent the holidays layin’ tracks on wax. ALRIGHT? WE GET IT. YOU CAN SING. YOU CAN SING, YOU CAN SING, YOU CAN SING. NOW SHUT THE EFF UP.
OUR SOLUTION: An American Idol audition. A very tiny violin accompaniment. And Dick Cancer.
WHY HE’S A DICK: Cheating on America’s sweetheart, making it politically incorrect to comment on the cloying emptiness of The Blind Side, further uglifying an ugly mug in Nazi photo homage, subjecting the world to the trainwreck that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, forcing us to imagine inky famewhore sex with Kat Von D. Ugh.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer. And Dick Cancer.
As we’ve said before, when life hands you dicks, you hand the dicks Dick Cancer. And to those of you who took this post literally and are thinking about leaving a comment along the lines of “My word! I would NEVER wish Dick Cancer on anybody! You’re awful people, dicks I’d dare say,” we say, respectfully: Please save yourself some trouble and shut your damn dickhole.
And to the rest of you, here’s hoping 2011 is a lot less ridick.
Filed under: 2010 Sucked Ass, Arizona, Arizona SB 1070, BP, BP Oil Spill, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Cheats On Wife, Brett Favre Penis, Brett Favre Sad Weiner, Brett Favre Why Did You Come Back?, Bristol Palin, Cheaters, Decision Points, Dick Cancer, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, George W. Bush, George W. Bush Decision Points, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow Country Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow Sings, Hamburger Helper Helps a Hamburger Help Gwen Make A Great Mess, Jesse James, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Jesse James PR Suicide, John McCain, Kat Von D, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, North Korea, Sarah Palin, SB 1070, The Palins, Todd Palin, TSA, TSA Body Scanner
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