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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The CW Network’s ‘Nikita’

Dear Nikita producers,

During last night’s episode, “The Recruit,” I got so much done: I checked my email 8 times, I accepted an outstanding friend request on Facebook, I wrote on somebody’s wall, I made a couple of online Scrabble moves–no bingos, sadly–I wrote 10 tweets, I bookmarked two websites, I read this ridiculous post about “How Dreadlocks Work,” I checked out Jessica Alba’s Twitter page because Twitter suggested that we follow her, and I read about designer vaginas, or, as I like to call them, “deginas,” which are apparently all the rage in the Czech Republic.

All this is to say that I WAS OUT OF MY MIND BORED WATCHING YOUR SHOW.

I’m not sure how exactly you’ve managed to make reading up on “deginas” more appealing than watching Maggie Q play a vengeful female assassin, but that’s exactly what’s happened.

Since I’m part of that female Vampire Diaries‘ audience the CW’s so keen on retaining, may I suggest you take one cue from your lead-in show?

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The CW Network’s ‘Nikita’

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The First And Last Time I Went As A “Sexy (Something)” For Halloween

I had just moved to a new town and was still in the process of making friends.

My cat, Jimmy, had run away in the move.

I was living in a shitty neighborhood where people were always coming and going so no one bothered to keep their grass green or their house paint from peeling.

I was into this guy, Chris, who was so not into me.

I was feeling vulnerable and alone.

And, yes, I was desperate for attention.

Continue reading The First And Last Time I Went As A “Sexy (Something)” For Halloween

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The Chinese Really Love Their Dogs (And Not To Eat, Wiseass)

First, the good news: The Chinese are no longer eating their dogs (almost)!

Hear that, Morrissey, ya prick?

A recent story from the NY Times, which loves to print pieces about how China is overcoming its barbarism one “civilized” step at a time–showing a particular affinity for “Chinglish” stories –reports that, although once banned, dogs have become increasingly popular as pets in recent years. The Times story tells tale (tail?) of status breeds, fancy canine day spas, and animal-protection laws becoming a phenomenon in China.

Now for the bad news: The Chinese embracing dogs-not-as-food idea has gone way too far.

I give you Lu Lu, the purse-carrying pooch from Henan Province:

As dlisted‘s Michael K. put it, “I mean, her pussy’s hanging out!

Also: if you’re going to make that poor dog carry a purse and walk on two legs, eff that janky teddy bear shit and get that girl some Chanel! Even a knockoff–and I know those haven’t been banned in China–would suffice.

[via dlisted]
[The Daily Mail: The diva dog Lu Lu which walks on her hind legs and carries her own handbag]

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Even The Dry Cleaner Tried To Blame Yoko For Their Problems

Um, yeah, so…there’s really nothing that isn’t awesome about this letter John Lennon wrote to his laundry service in the 70′s:

Things that I reallyreally love about it:

  1. For once, the cleaners being yelled at aren’t Asian.
  2. The cleaners are being yelled at BY A BEATLE.
  3. Learning something new about Yoko, i.e. that she doesn’t sweat.
  4. The line “(MOST ORIENTALS DO NOT SWEAT LIKE US),” which I also interpret to mean “Most Orientals Do Not Smell Like Us,” which is true (read this if you don’t believe me).
  5. Continue reading Even The Dry Cleaner Tried To Blame Yoko For Their Problems

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Has Tila Met Her Crazian Match?

Photo of Garry Sun, "a lunatic" accusing Tila Tequila of kidnapping his girlfriend, from MissTilaOMG.com

We haven’t checked in on Tila Tequila in awhile, but she’s home again (in TMZ’s headlines)–this time, involved in a kidnapping plot that involves armed men, travel across state lines, wife-thieving, death threats and a restraining order.

Sounds like just an average day for Ms. Nguyen. But this time, she’s not the one making the crazy claims. Wait, WHAT?

Here’s the scoop: Miss Tila has been accused of kidnapping the girlfriend of Garry Sun, an LA photographer that was apparently fired some time ago from a job on her website (photo above).

From TMZ:

Photographer Garry Sun filed an application for a restraining order in L.A. County Superior Court, claiming on October 19, Tila and the armed men drove to the Texas house of his alleged girlfriend, Shyla Jennings, kidnapped her, somehow got Shyla on a plane and flew her to L.A.

Sun claims Tila then threatened Shyla … If anyone notified cops, she and Garry would be toast.

Tila’s rep says the claims are “patently absurd” (she also responded to the allegations in a blog post entitled, “GARRY SUN IS A CRAZY, DELUSIONAL EX-EMPLOYEE WHO HAD A DANGEROUS FATAL ATTRACTION TOWARDS ME!“) but we hate to say… absurdity is kind of the woman’s forte. Dare we follow this story to see who the real crazian is? We’re scared, no matter who’s telling the truth lying less.

[TMZ: Photog Claims Tila Tequila Kidnapped His Girlfriend]
[Miss Tila OMG: GARRY SUN IS A CRAZY, DELUSIONAL EX-EMPLOYEE WHO HAD A DANGEROUS FATAL ATTRACTION TOWARDS ME!]

Source Source

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ROCK OF ASIAN: KoreAm’s Krazy K-Pop Music Video Battle [Now With Extended Deadline!]

Since you’ve got your cameras and editing systems out, why not try to win some more kool shit? We learned via Angry Asian Man that our kickass friends at KoreAm have extended the deadline for their Krazy K-Pop Music Video Battle to November 10!

Which means: if you can shoot a killer response to this video (and by the way, we wanna see you muthafuckin’ DANCIN’):





…you can win a trip to NY. And get mad props. And earn our mad respeck.

Contest rules are all here. Step up, K-poppers!

[via Angry Asian Man]
[KoreAm: Krazy K-pop! - A Music Video Battle]

Source

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Chen Wei-yih, A Taiwanese Woman Engaged To Marry Herself


Name: Chen Wei-yih

Age: 30

Occupation: Office Worker

Known for: Committing herself to Number One by proposing… to herself. Chen wants to puncture the perception of single women as something to look down on–so at age 30, having not yet met anyone else she wants to spend her life with, she has decided to marry her own bad self.

From HuffPo:

For the 30-year-old Taipei resident, there will be no Prince Charming, no tuxedoed groom. In an effort to defy the traditional Asian perception of single, independent women as failures, Chen says she will marry herself.

“Age 30 is a prime period for me,” Chen is quoted by Reuters as saying. “My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do?”

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Chen Wei-yih, A Taiwanese Woman Engaged To Marry Herself

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Make Your Own “Evil Chinese Professor” Parody [CONTEST]

Just in time for Halloween, fiscal conservative think-tank Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW)–which has been tied to big tobacco and corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff–has released a campaign ad depicting a scary vision of the future in which the Chinese have taken over everything:

According to Ben Smith at Politico, the ad’s an homage to a 1986 Ridley Scott-directed ad that was paid for by CAGW’s founder, and it’s produced by Larry McCarthy, who also produced the 1988 Willie Horton ad that did considerable damage to Democrat Michael Dukakis’s presidential campaign by fueling white voters’ fear of black men.

But it’s 2010, and what Americans need to be afraid of is…China!

And we are afraid. We are VERY afraid.

So afraid that we want to make this ad less scary–and race-baiting and fear-mongering and just kinda baaaaad–and more fun. And that’s where we need your help. Campus Progress Action has already done their own parody, and we want to see yours. So we–along with 8Asians, Angry Asian Man, and Reappropriate–are making it a CONTEST. Because Asians love contests. Because Asians love to win. Which is why we’re taking over everything!

Here’s what you need to do:

Continue reading Make Your Own “Evil Chinese Professor” Parody [CONTEST]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Meg Whitman Spokeswoman Sarah Pompei Is Teh Awesome

In the past, CA gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has accused her opponent Jerry Brown of being “part of the old school, part of the old approach.” And, as if to prove that point–that Brown is for the olds and Whitman can hang with the youngs–her press secretary Sarah Pompei tweeted this week that “Jerry Brown is too soft on crime,” only instead of linking to the usual boring political stuff, Pompei linked to this video of–y’all ready for this?–Korean cross-dressing jazz fusion/metal bassist-turned-viral video-star H.J. Freaks, who, according to his MySpace, aspires to be “the world’s greatest stupid idiot bass player”:

So, yes, the Whitman campaign basically invented the new Rickroll. Which means Whitman’s press secretary is either incredibly inept and does not understand teh Twitter OR…she knows exactly what she’s doing and did it for the lulz.

We think it’s obvious what really happened, therefore we say…

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Meg Whitman Spokeswoman Sarah Pompei Is Teh Awesome

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A Literary Situation

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to write a book. At age three, in cursive on construction paper, I wrote tables of contents for imaginary novel chapters. From fifth to eighth grade, I created dozens of terrible young adult fiction book outlines that inspired too-long scribbled “Chapter Ones” in loose leaf notebooks. During high school, I attempted to write poetry collections about my non-existent love life and glamorized ideals of solitude. In college, I would study in the University library and take my breaks strolling through my favorite aisles–particularly the 20th century non-fiction texts, running my fingers over the books’ textured spines and gazing with love over the letters that spelled out titles and author names horizontally, like vertebrae.

As a grown-up writer, I think differently about the idea of publishing a book. I would still love to write one (perhaps with Jen, who is a far better scribe than I), but I now unfortunately know all the other stuff that goes along with the endeavor: book proposals and agents and publishers and politics and big-selling Christmas seasons and the word “niche” and writing from the inside and redundancy and timeliness and nervous breakdowns and writer’s block and what-about-my-other-projects and maybe-I-just-can’t-fucking-do-this and wouldn’t-it-just-be-easier–and-faster-to-have-our-twitterfeed-optioned-as-a-lame-William-Shatner-sitcom. I mean, hell, real writers are miserable for a reason.

That said…

Whenever somebody I know publishes a book, particularly a second or third (God help me if I ever befriend Mr. Chopra), my chest heaves a little. I’m jealous. I’m really, really jealous. I’m obviously proud and happy for them, I probably love their book and can’t wait to get my copy signed–but I’m also cringing inside, mad at myself for not realizing such an important dream, even though I arguably write thousands of words every week. Bloggers publish words on a virtual page that isn’t really a page; it doesn’t smell of ink and paper, you can’t dogear it, you can’t lend it to a friend and ask for it back. There’s just something about a book.

That said…

When I see something like this:
Continue reading A Literary Situation

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Deepak Chopra

Happy 63rd birthday tomorrow, Deepak Chopra! May you continue to enjoy good health, and write another eleventy-grillion books during the rest of your long, well-balanced life.

Oh, and if you have any advice that might help a procrastinating pitta-kapha (me) to write more (50) blog posts before noon every day, please send it over!

[Deepak Chopra - official site]

Source

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Dumplings Can Make People Do Crazy Things

Let me just begin by saying that some dumplings can be extremely powerful. The famous dumplings from San Gabriel Valley’s Din Tai Fung have compelled me to do things I would never have imagined, like break my L.A. driving rule (never motor more than 5 miles from home unless somebody’s paying me) countless times–once to see our pals The Good Asian Drivers, most times simply to experience the gingery-vinegary-broth-filled goodness inside their perfect pork soup dumplings. You have to understand, they’re too special for words, almost too special to eat. They make you not want to share. In fact, I believe that a very good friend once tried to poison me just so he could swipe my chicken soup dumpling take-home box. Rest assured, he didn’t get the box.

So am I surprised that the crazy saga that inspired last week’s DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK honoring of San Gabriel’s mayor, Albert Y.M. Huang, apparently started with some sort of hurly burly that had to do with…DUMPLINGS? Eh. Not so much. Not at all.

From the SGV Tribune:

Bao Gang Li, owner of New Taste Dumpling House, said Huang and the alleged victim had been arguing after the couple arrived at the restaurant at about 1 a.m.

“They started arguing a lot and at that time there were about 20 people at the restaurant,” said Li. “The woman grabbed a dumpling container and threw it at the gentlemen’s chest.”

Huang then threw vinegar at the woman, Li said.

At that point, the woman went to a nearby ATM and took out what appeared to be a lot of money. Huang attempted to try to take the money from her and threatened to call the police, Li said.

DUDE. Dumplings can make people do some weird shit. And Jen and I happen to gobble up weird shit like… dumplings (as does his Highness Jonathan Gold)! I’ll assume that you remember the rest of what happened on that ill-fated night, but if you don’t, those geniuses at NMA News have distilled it for you. It is (also not surprisingly) genius:

Continue reading Dumplings Can Make People Do Crazy Things

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