Meet Our Alter Egos, Jan & Diane

July 23rd, 2010 | 16 comments | Posted by Jen

Over the last 3 1/2 years of maintaining this site, we’ve developed alter egos.

Before you think we’ve gone totally crazeballs, let me just say that we didn’t develop these alter egos ourselves. No, see, they were developed for us. Who knows? Maybe they even exist. Maybe they’re our selves in a Sliding Doors-kind of parallel universe. Maybe they’re already planted in our subconsciousness a la Inception, and they’re more real than the real. All we know is we get email and Facebook messages for them all the time.

Their names are JAN and DIANE.

Like us, they’re BFF. Like us, they think of themselves as sisters. Unlike us, Jan and Diane have closets full of mock turtlenecks, their favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden (Intern Jasmine’s theory), they actually have savings accounts, they’re cat people, they love to drink cocktails that are first and foremost the colors of pretty bridesmaid dresses, they majored in something useful in college, and they’re not disappointing to their Hardass Asian Parents.

But enough out of “Jen and Diana,” meet our better halves…

This is Jan and Diane at their computers, not grumpily blogging, still half-asleep at midday, but happily using Quicken at the crack of dawn to keep track of their money (P.S. That’s decaf in the red mug):

This is Jan and Diane at their day jobs, where they make their oodles of money that they then have to keep track of with their personal accounting software (JAN: That cancer’s inoperable.  He has about 6 months to live. DIANE: Mmm.  Interesting.):

This is Jan and Diane letting their hair down once a year, when they allow themselves to dress up like pretend sluts for Halloween, because it’s the ONLY acceptable time of the year to show some skin, because they’re not REAL sluts, you know, because real sluts are vulgar and gross and no one ever wants to marry them, because, you know, of that whole getting milk from the cow for free thing:

And speaking of marriage! This is Jan and Diane getting married at their double wedding, which is EXACTLY how they pictured it, where the only fight they got into in the planning of it was over who would get to wear white lace gloves with her Vera Wang, which resulted in a teaching moment for Jan and Diane about compromise and sharing, which they cried about while toasting each other at their double bachelorette party, which was in–where else?–Vegas, Baby:

Maybe we should have Jan and Diane guest-blog for us?

Start a fan page for them on Facebook?

Let them take over our Twitter account?

Because they sound like a whole lot of fun. Like, barrels and barrels of it.

[photos via istockphoto.com and jupiter images]

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16 Responses to “Meet Our Alter Egos, Jan & Diane”

  1. jasmine says:

    This is awesome. You know your drag alter-egos are totally Jujubee and Ongina from RuPaul’s Drag Race, right? YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.

  2. Cindy says:

    I have a few spare hours to while away. I might as well devote them to Jan & Diane’s Parallasian Blog.

  3. Jen says:

    @Cindy What I want to know is who Cindy’s alter ego vis-a-vis Jan and Diane is.

  4. dalianmoon says:

    Ha! That’s great!

  5. cDonnaF says:

    Wow. Donna IS my alter-ego, and she’s not nearly as interesting as your guys’s alterAsians. I guess it takes an interesting person to be creatively boring.
    Heck, why don’t you start a Jan-n-Diane Facebook page? (Facebook pages are good for the dull and perfect. Twitter’s a little too fast-moving.) Who knows? The Real Jen and Diana might even experience a little teaching moment with your alt-selves!
    What I’d like to know is who did they marry?

  6. Jen says:

    @cDonnaF re: What I’d like to know is who did they marry?

    You tell us!

  7. Jen says:

    @Cindy PS Her name is “Candy.”

  8. Cindy says:

    HA!!! I’ll work on that for you. At the moment, Candy is unavailable for comment because she is getting her pink and whites done.

  9. cDonnaF says:

    OK, I’ve got pics of the guys and a story to go with them. Now where to post it?

  10. Jen says:

    @cDonnaF Do you have a Twitter acct? Twitpic? Can you attach to your comment maybe?

  11. cDonnaF says:

    I’m too verbose for Twitter, so I did the Courtship of Jan and Diane as my very first blog post.
    http://thingsandstuffbycrazydonna.blogspot.com/2010/07/mawwiage-twue-wuv.html

  12. Jen says:

    @cDonnaF Um, that is quite possibly the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Can we re-post on DISGRASIAN, please???

  13. cDonnaF says:

    @Jen Wow! It would be an honor. Thank you!

  14. Cindy says:

    @cDonnaF ZOMG!! Can’t breathe…laughing too hard. Help me.

  15. Diana says:

    @cDonnaF Diana thinks you’re amazing. Diane can’t open up your site on her PC.

  16. cDonnaF says:

    @Diana: Right back atcha!

    @Diane: Maybe Donny can help you “upgrade” your Web “browser”?

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