DISGRASIAN’s First Fan-Fiction: When Jan & Diane Met Ken & Donny

July 28th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Guest Contributor

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

What you’re about to read is UH MAY ZING.

Remember last week when we introduced you to our alter egos, Jan and Diane?  Those gals who are so, so, so not us?  The post ended with Jan and Diane in full bridezilla regalia, and one of our readers, crazyDonna, wanted to know who those ladies ended up marrying.  And we were like, You tell us.

So she told us.

And as you will see from this fan-fic about our alter egos, Jan and Diane, crazyDonna is not only crazy, she’s also a genius with stock photos, hilariously funny, and undoubtedly our favorite new person on the planet.

*******************

Jan and Diane are BFFs who have awesome lives and are basically perfect. Yet even for them, finding their Mr. Rights wasn’t easy. Busy professionals making oodles of money don’t have time to meet guys! So Jan and Diane turned to modern technology to help them out. Yes, they used… the Internet!

JAN: Online dating is perfectly fine nowadays.
DIANE: Everyone’s doing it.

So Jan and Diane posted a personal ad (together, like they do everything else!).

DIANE: At e”CharmMoney”.com!
JAN: Oh, you! [giggles]

At first, the results were disappointing.

JAN: I mean, the guys were cute.
BOTH: Of course!
DIANE: But they had issues. Like, you absolutely could not touch Giorgio’s hair, or he would freak.
JAN: And why was Carl always looking for phone booths, anyway?

DIANE: Then there were those two guys who said they were in LXD.
JAN: As if!

DIANE: Although they were very limber.

[Both giggle]

JAN: And Rico?
DIANE: Ugh! He was so not a Rico. More of a Little Richard, if you know what I mean.
JAN: [gasps] Oh, naughty!
DIANE: I’m kidding!

DIANE: And Rico’s friend, Wally?
JAN: Oh, yeah, “Wacky” Wally.
DIANE: Remember? ‘Heeeerrrre’s Wally!’
JAN: [shudders]

Our stalwart pair were beginning to get a bit discouraged. Would Jan and Diane ever find true love?

DIANE: There was that one week in Barbados.
JAN: Oooo, Paoloooo.
DIANE: And Ferrrrrnando.
JAN: The ones you don’t take home to Mother.
BOTH: Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Still searching for true love, they rewrote their personal ad and tried again.

And by an amazing coincidence–or was it fate?–that very day looking at the online dating site for the very first time were a pair of successful young businessmen named Ken and Donny.

Just like Jan and Diane, Ken and Donny were busy professionals making oodles of money. Just like Jan and Diane, Ken and Donny didn’t have time to meet girls. Just like Jan and Diane, Ken and Donny did everything together. Even “surfing” the “Web”!

Imagine their reaction when they saw Jan and Diane’s personal ad. They had so much in common! It was a perfect match.

Even though they were handsome, successful young businessmen, they were still a teensy bit nervous the first time they called Jan and Diane.

But soon they realized it was true love!

DIANE: Donny’s so much fun. He’s got his own sense of style, as you can see! And he’s in great shape. He loves soccer.
JAN: Really loves soccer. Really.
DIANE: In fact, his goal is to start his own sporting goods company some day.


JAN: I hope he has better luck with that “goal” than he does on the soccer field.
DIANE: …What?

JAN: Ken’s more serious. He’s focused on keeping up with emerging business trends and all the latest financials.
DIANE: Very focused.
JAN: And, no, he is not a Web addict!
DIANE: Just don’t try to come between him and his laptop.

After a whirlwind courtship, and with the blessing of their families, Ken and Jan and Donny and Diane got married in a lavish yet tasteful ceremony.

Wedding

Ahem. A tasteful ceremony.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Basically.

DIANE: No more Fernandos.
BOTH: [sigh]
JAN: On the other hand, no more Wallies.
DIANE: True dat.
JAN: …What?

crazyDonna’s Jan & Diane Fan-Fiction originally published here.

[DISGRASIAN: Meet Our Alter Egos, Jan & Diane]

Thank you, crazyDonna! You so crazy, we think we wanna have yo baby!

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4 Responses to “DISGRASIAN’s First Fan-Fiction: When Jan & Diane Met Ken & Donny”

  1. Red says:

    That is brillian use of stock photos. And happy to see that so many pics of good looking Asian guys out there.

  2. Cindy says:

    If this wasn’t so fucking funny I think I might hate crazyDonna for being so clever.

  3. cDonnaF says:

    OMG times infinity! What an intro. I got tears in my eyes, seriously.
    You two have made my day/week/month. Thank you so much.

    @Red: Yeah, it’s amazing how many “handsome young Chinese man” photos there are at iStockPhoto.
    I have to give Ken and Donny a lot of credit. They must be hard-working guys; there are a bazillion shots of them at iStock. With pic after pic of Ken with his laptop and Donny with his hair, the story pretty much wrote itself.
    That said, the guy I’D like to see more of is Ferrrrrnando.

  4. ButtaFlyy says:

    Man, oh, man, OH FREAKIN’ MAN!!!! That was so classically funny cute!!!! You guys show create an Alter-Forum!!! Ha ha ha!!!! This totally brought joy to my life as I slave away at my desk yearning for 6pm on this wonderful Friday morning ;o)

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