The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History

June 18th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

DINA LOHAN

Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.

It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops).  The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.

NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those  celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!

I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:

Carvel Responds To Dina Lohan Complaint

Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream

ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities.  These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use. Many celebrities have enjoyed their cards at our Carvel Ice Cream shoppes and have shared their excitement with being included in the celebration.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, their extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present.   At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends.  After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned.  The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again.

This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes.  We regret that the Lohan family is upset and hope this matter is put behind us quickly.

-Ashley Swann, Carvel Public Relations Manager



Oh, Carvel. Did you learn the elegant art of public shaming from Asians? Cuz damn, we really dig your style. It cuts like a cold ice cream cake knife. Feel free to guest blog with us anytime!

(And um, if you’re getting rid of the Lohans’ Black Cards, we’ll be happy to take them off your hands.)

[via Dlisted]
[The Carvel Ice Cream Newsroom: Carvel Responds To Dina Lohan Complaint]
[Radar Online: Exclusive Scoop - Cops Called On Dina Lohan At Ice Cream Store]

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6 Responses to “The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History”

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by DISGRASIAN™, Jasmïne Davïla and Jojo Aquino, jasminedavila. jasminedavila said: RT @disgrasian The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History http://dlvr.it/1qgsK [...]

  2. rockmanj says:

    What in the world? I don’t…what??

  3. jasmine says:

    The Lohans should be grateful that Carvel didn’t sic Fudgie the Whale on them. Fudgie don’t play that!

  4. rockmanj says:

    @jasmine… Reminds me of Patton Oswalts comedy. I don’t know a lot about Carvel, being from the Midwest, but I didn’t know that Fudgy was real.

  5. farleyk says:

    Wow. A whole lifetime of flying saucers and yummy crushed up cookie in the middle ice cream cakes, for the asking. Like a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s factory, but for life. And they get it taken away, because they acted like every after school special idiot who gets magical powers.

    Of course, if I had those special powers it would bring me no joy. Where I live I haven’t seen a Carvel store in 10 years.

    I want an oatmeal/vanilla ice cream flying saucer.

  6. Le says:

    Jerry Springer couldn’t have written a better script than this one. This is trainwreck GOLD here!!!

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